The Hidden Toll of Jealous Control on Your Relationship EP 53

Hi, I am your host Shanenn Bryant, and today I'm talking about control and being controlling, and I know if you're listening to this podcast. I know you are. I know you try to control, you try to control situations. You try to control results. You try to control your partner. You try to control the people in your partner's life.

And I've said before, I, I love the ACA laundry list, the Adult Children of Alcoholics Laundry list. And this topic is pulled from number six on the laundry list. And I'll read to you here in just a minute what that is. I love this list because even if you didn't grow up with a parent who was an alcoholic, 

 having this issue of jealousy this topic will probably ring true to you. especially if you had, you know, some of that childhood trauma or a parent who didn't really parent well. I think these things will really hit home with you. So this is number six and I'm going to read it to you from the Adult Children of Alcoholics Laundry list and, and then we're going to talk about it today.

So here it goes. "We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others. Rather than ourselves. This enables us not to look too closely at our own faults. " 

So when I was little, fourth, fifth, sixth grade, my older brother and I, both had chores that we were supposed to do after school.

And it was supposed to be done like we were supposed to do our chores before our parents got home. And before we could go outside and play with our friends, which my brother, my rebellious older brother almost never followed that rule. So a lot of times. I'd his chores because I didn't want to give my dad a reason to get drunk or to get mad, or to get in a fight with my brother.

So, I would just do them. It was easier. I felt like I was keeping the peace, and I felt like that was a way for me to potentially help to control what was going to happen. So, at 10 or 11, it was quite a bit of a responsibility, but that's just how it was. And after a while I started to feel very responsible for what did or didn't happen in my house.

Like I felt like I had some control over that, even if it was just a little bit by how good the house looked when my dad got home. And even trying to weirdly control my older brother from not doing, he was, he was such a rebel. He was so, just did what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. And he had a lot of my dad's personality.

Um, so I even felt like at times I would try to control him from going and doing things that might upset my dad. t was a lot of responsibility at the time, and so this of course translated later in life into controlling my partner. You know, what he replied back in a text to his friend or to his ex, or how he should dress for work, 

Or if he should hug someone or not, or how he should behave when he was traveling out of town, and how often he was required to call me when he was traveling out of town and where he should sit in a restaurant, blah, blah, blah, oh my gosh so tiring, blah. All of it. You may be treating your partner like a child, as if they aren't responsible or capable enough to take care of situations themselves.

I get it. I know that feeling. But they've made it this far in life for however long before they met you without you telling them what to do at every turn. And if you do a quick soul search, . You know, the things that you are guiding them on or schooling them on are strictly for your benefit. And I, I have heard all of it because I used to say it all myself, so I get it. Like, sure, you're thinking, no, I do it for the benefit of the relationship. Like I just want to protect the relationship and I want to make sure that they're protecting the relationship and then they're not doing anything to mess it up, but.

 they know how to be in a relationship. Most likely they're aware of the common ground rules. And if you don't think they do well, okay, one, probably a conversation you should have had before, but we can't go backwards. So now, if you don't think that they understand the general rules of the relationship, 

What they can and cannot do. if you're in a monogamous relationship, most likely they know the rules, they know the major things that are going to end a relationship. But if you don't think they are, okay, well go ahead and set the relationship agreements, have that discussion, agree on them.

And then leave it alone. You don't have to tell them what they should write in a text in response to their ex about picking up the kid or that you feel like they're giving in to them, or you don't have to tell them how they should behave. On a guy's weekend, if they're in a relationship or on a girl's trip, if they're in a relationship, they know they're going to do what they're going to do.

Whether you tell them and try to control them or remind them just before they go off the trip. I used to do this to my husband all the time. He traveled a lot. earlier in our relationship, and he still does from time to time, but he was traveling a lot back then and I felt like this responsibility that I had to tell him, how he needed to behave when he was out of town and to remind him, I would say things like, you know, sometimes when people are away from each other for a while, they tend to start

forgetting that they're in a relationship like you hanging out and being around guys all day and going to work and then just going off and, you know, going to eat with them and going out. don't get caught up and think and forget that you're in a relationship. I felt like I had to tell him that as if he didn't know, Like he was really going to go out of town for a week and forget. That he was in a relationship or forget. That if he did something there. To damage the relationship that it's still counted. He knew that. I would even remind him of that. And say 

it doesn't matter, you know, just because I don't find out it's still wrong. Well, no kidding. Of course, it is. And believe it or not, he also knew that. It still counts even if I don't find out he knows she knows. So I get it when you're thinking, well, I'm trying to protect the relationship, but you are not, and I'm just going to say it as plainly as that it's not protecting the relationship, it's actually ruining the relationship. Feeling like you're being treated like a child, being told where to sit at a restaurant, being told how they're supposed to respond on the phone. All of that is so damaging to the relationship.

So instead of trying to protect the relationship by telling them what to do, what they can and cannot do, reminding them of general relationship guidelines. Instead of doing that, get back to leading yourself. Put that energy into leading yourself. We always want to tell someone else how to do it or how to handle it, or what someone else should be concentrating on, but we don't tell ourselves that.

Think of all the things that you should be focused on with yourself first. I mean, think of all the things. I'm sure there are things like you wanna accomplish at work, you wanna accomplish in life. You wanna spend more time with kids, you wanna get your finances better, you wanna feel better, you wanna get healthier, you wanna lose weight, you wanna eat better.

Maybe you wanna stop smoking, maybe you wanna stop drinking. There's probably a whole list of stuff. that you need to be focused on controlling for yourself, leading yourself. So why are you spending that energy on someone else when you've got these things to get control over for yourself?

And here's the other thing, I, I want to address this because people, calling themselves controlling has even in a way, become cool or desired, or it's being said as a positive, as in it means that you're really good at what you do or you're really put together, or you're the boss or you're the leader.

You're the one that knows best. It's kind of like saying you are a perfectionist, and some people love to call themselves a perfectionist as if it's a good thing. It's like this cool thing to be called and it's not. Who has time to be that and who wants that?

If you're controlling and focused on your partner, then you're no longer concentrating on your own feelings and that my friend is probably what you're trying to avoid. Your own feelings, your own things that you have to work on.

It is also a way to fulfill our assurance, seeking ways. Like to feel needed. To feel wanted, to feel like you're number one, to feel this like, to feel like you're important, to feel like you run the show. . 

This keeps reassurance needing going. 

If you stop controlling and monitoring and telling your partner what to do. And you, in fact, do put that energy towards yourself. Then who's going to notice your accomplishment? So let's say you are putting that energy into yourself and you start accomplishing these small goals. You're doing step-by-step accomplishing things in your life. 

Well, who's going to recognize that? Because remember, you think you need that reassurance and sometimes, especially the way that real goals are accomplished, the way that we really accomplish them. Is small baby steps. Step by step by step. That's really hard for somebody else to notice right away, or for somebody else to notice the change. So then you're missing out on that reassurance because then you feel like why either have to wait until my partner recognizes the changes in me or recognizes the accomplishments, the things that I'm doing, the way that I'm changing my life or. I have to tell them. And I don't want to tell them. Because then it doesn't feel as reassuring. 

It doesn't feel as good. It doesn't feel as special. If I have to tell my partner to notice them. So it's much easier if we keep. on this controlling behavior of telling our partner what they should say and telling them what they should do and how they should respond and who they should be friends with and the things that they should. Enjoy doing and the things that they should look at and the things that they should listen to and what they should watch on TV. If we're doing that. Then one way or the other, we feel very front and center in their life and we're getting. That reassurance that in some way I am important. In their life. Even if it's in a negative way. Maybe you started your controlling ways as an adult to not face your own shortcomings, or maybe you picked up this controlling behavior from a situation in your childhood.

 Of course now I know that no matter what I did or didn't do in in fourth grade, you know what chores my brother did or didn't do. My dad was always going to find something to get angry about if he wanted or would find an excuse to drink if he wanted to. Me trying to control someone else from messing up was never my responsibility, nor was it actually in my control.

And the same is true for you. Your partner's actions are not your responsibility, nor are they actually in your control.

You feeling like you have to control a situation so that your partner doesn't make a mistake that they'll regret, or you needing to know all the details to make sure that it's being done the right way or there won't be any surprises, is just your way of not looking at your own faults, your own work, and still holding onto the idea that somehow

You can control other people. Being controlling is not cool. It's not sexy, it's not kind, and it's not working.

If you're ready to work on what you do have control over yourself. And you want to learn how you can get rid of some of these bogus beliefs that are making you have these constant, unwanted, intrusive thoughts in your head, and always feeling anxious, feeling like you can't trust your partner and worried about what they're doing. I can help you go in the show notes. 

There is a link to book your free discovery call. We'll talk through it, and I will give you ways. That I can help you. Until next time, take care. And remember you're not alone.