You're Not a Jerk, You're a Genius EP 125

Shanenn Bryant (00:02.094)
Welcome back to Top Self, the podcast that helps you manage your jealousy and insecurity in your romantic relationships. I am Shannon Bryant and I'm about to pee my pants. I'm so excited to share something with you. There is an opportunity for different starting so soon, but I have to wait. have to wait. I'm going to share it at towards the end. I'm going to share it towards the end of this episode today.

But I want it so today though, but before then.

Shanenn Bryant (00:46.904)
But before then, I wanna talk about why I think you're a genius.

So how many times have you done this? You swear to yourself, you're not gonna let this jealousy thing bother you today. Like I ain't doing it, no, not today. You're not gonna give into it. And then for whatever reason, you snoop, you spiral, you snap. And then immediately you think, like what is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this?

Why can I not get better? Well, there's nothing. And you feel like I'm such a jerk in these moments. I do things that I later feel guilty of. Well, you're not a jerk. You're a genius. Yes, I said genius. A very misunderstood genius, but still a genius.

I feel like your ears perked up like, she called me a genius. What? I want to hear about this. But today we are going to talk about because today we're going to talk about why your brain does things that make zero sense on paper, like zero, especially to your sister, to your mother, to your best friend, anybody that doesn't get it, that doesn't experience it. makes zero sense on paper, but it makes perfect sense to your nervous system.

Shanenn Bryant (02:27.99)
And you may even tell yourself you sabotage your relationships or you identify as someone like a self-sabotaging, but I want to introduce you to the concept of self-stabilization.

Shanenn Bryant (02:46.074)
Every pattern you repeat. Jealousy, control, overeating, overthinking. It's not you being weak or someone who can't get better or manage jealousy better. No, it's your body doing what it learned keeps you safe.

Shanenn Bryant (03:13.486)
You're not like failing at what you're trying to do. You're not failing at being calm. You're surviving. You're succeeding at survival. You are actually succeeding at something. You're succeeding at survival.

Shanenn Bryant (03:36.94)
Eh-heh-heh.

Shanenn Bryant (03:42.2)
So I want to talk about what stabilizers are and how those work. When life hurts, especially early on when we were kids, your brain runs these experiments. Hey, if I make people happy, does that make me feel better? Does that make me feel safe? Do I stay safe? If I stay alert, is that the way to avoid pain? If I eat, does this ache go away?

And whichever one, there are so many, but whichever one worked fastest got coded in as a stabilizer for you. This thing I'm going to go to that kind of brings me back to calm, that brings me back down to feeling normal again, to feeling okay again, to feeling, to the feeling of not, you know, of not being uncomfortable or not experiencing pain.

Shanenn Bryant (04:42.232)
For me, growing up with an alcoholic parent, I picked a lot of stabilizers, right? One of them was vigilance. Read the room, control the vibe, control the environment, try to control what's happening. I learned that love and connection sometimes felt really good and sometimes it was painful. So my stabilizer was like, so my stabilizer was be cautious, be careful, ask questions.

Look for threats. Look for threats. And of course, later that turned into jealousy and overthinking in my relationships. Because it's just a vigilance and a fancier outfit, right? It's just all of those things. It just looks different now. For someone else, it might be food. For another person, maybe they overwork. For another, it's distracting.

know, detaching completely.

Shanenn Bryant (05:45.486)
The symptoms of all this is just showing up as jealousy. All different costumes, same goals, predictability to get you safe, to get you out of discomfort. And when I was first learning about stabilizers and how this works, I of course was thinking, well, why do we always pick unhealthy stabilizers? Like, why can't I pick something good? Like going to the gym. So we need to talk more.

So.

Shanenn Bryant (06:21.612)
your nervous system doesn't really have this like gauge or this like thermostat, right? It's whenever there's a reminder of this pain or whenever there's a tinge of this, it just goes, boop, put in the stabilizer, right? Go to the stabilizer, because we know that works. So ask a bunch of questions, right? So snoop through their phone because that brings a feeling of safety. we looked, right?

The stabilizer isn't looking through the phone. The stabilizer is finding that safety. Like what makes us feel better? What makes us feel secure and safe? And if going through their phone and finding nothing gives you that temporary relief of safety, of course, that we're gonna have that as a stabilizer. That's gonna be something that we go to. We know it works.

Shanenn Bryant (07:13.592)
But my question was like, well, why don't we not, like, why is it always these unhealthy stabilizers that we pick? Why don't we pick healthy ones, right? Why can't I just pick going to the gym?

Shanenn Bryant (07:31.074)
Why didn't I just pick yoga or journaling or running when life got hard?

Shanenn Bryant (07:41.206)
when life got painful.

Shanenn Bryant (07:46.894)
Like why in the Sam hell did I have to pick such a hard thing like jealousy or like vigilance or control? Why didn't we pick exercise? Like, he's not calling me back right now? Okay, I'm gonna go for a workout. I'm gonna lift some weights and I'm gonna eat a salad. So take that, mister. I don't care that you didn't call me back. No, that's not what we're doing right now.

But it's because our brain doesn't want better. It doesn't want healthy at once familiar. What have we been doing? What did we learn in the past? Jealousy, overeating, controlling, apologizing, people pleasing. People pleasing. They worked. They brought immediate relief. Whatever is the fastest, quickest strategy for relief and running and breath work.

don't feel safe at first because they actually increase discomfort before you feel better. Like think about this. Yes, there are people who love going to the gym and they're like, I'm excited, I'm pumped to do it. That's the thing I love. And then there are the rest of us. If you're like me, I'm literally dragging ass to the gym, like kicking, screaming.

using Mel Robbins, five, four, three, two, one, go trick, like trying all the things. I'm always so happy I went and that's what keeps us going back. But I hate the going and doing part because I have to get uncomfortable before it feels good. The best feeling is walking out of the door at the gym, but I have to get uncomfortable first to do that. And when you were a kid going through dysfunction,

or even an adult going through pain, maybe cheating, maybe a painful breakup. Your system didn't want growth. It's not like, well, what can we do here that's healthy? It doesn't want healthy. It didn't think about the consequences when it was initially going on. just what I, it wanted the fastest off switch. Stop the pain, stop the suffering, make me feel safe. Just stop it with whatever

Shanenn Bryant (10:14.026)
means possible. That's just automatic what what we do.

So please stop shaming yourself for picking what works.

You were never the problem. The environment was, the thing was, the event was. You just built brilliant coping strategies inside a broken ecosystem, inside a broken environment.

Shanenn Bryant (10:46.466)
I don't know why this just hit me all of sudden, but it just makes me so

Shanenn Bryant (10:56.856)
But it just makes me so incredibly proud and sad for the little girl I was and the little person you were that was going through whatever you went through, all that pain, all that hurt. Your body reacted in typical survival mode. It found something that worked, that got you through it, that stopped the pain.

that allowed you to even cope with it and now you're shaming that little girl or that little boy because of it. Your brilliant little mind and body cried out to make the pain stop, to feel safe, to give you anything that could do that. So maybe you picked overeating, maybe you picked vigilance and now you're ashamed and embarrassed and beating yourself up because

that's still showing up for you. It just makes me so sad how hard we are on ourselves for things most likely were out of your control. The only thing we could do is survive to get through it.

Shanenn Bryant (12:17.91)
and to pick whatever made that happen the fastest. And now you're making this mean you're not good enough for someone. You're so different because you're jealous that you should be ashamed of it. That you're not a good girlfriend or a good boyfriend or wife or husband because you have this unhealthy strategy, these stabilizers for dealing with pain.

that this jealousy is all you have to offer. Not true.

So sorry, I got off on a little tangent, it makes me so sad that we do that. So I wanna explain how this loop works, of course, this pattern, how it turns into a loop.

Shanenn Bryant (13:21.47)
Here's the pattern. The event or trigger happens, which activates you and brings in that old stabilizer or those old stabilizers, like whatever worked in the past. This could be asking for reassurance, asking questions, looking on their phone, exploding, a combination, but the old stabilizers show up. That gives you temporary relief.

And then of course, here's the shit part. The brain learns it worked. Yes, that was the right thing to do. You're telling it. Yes, that was the right thing to do. I feel better.

Well, better of course, until you know the drill, until you don't again, until you feel unsafe again, until you feel like you're being betrayed, until you feel like you're not good enough, until they come home at 6.15 instead of 5.30, like they normally do, until they go out with the guys or until they go on a girls trip, right? That stabilizer worked in that moment. It ended that.

for us quick. And the loop, of course, right? It starts all over again.

Shanenn Bryant (14:42.35)
trigger, activation, old stabilizer, temporary relief, but reinforcement. We've told our system, thanks for sending me that idea. Thanks for sending me that automatic response. I feel better now. It worked. That was what I needed.

Shanenn Bryant (15:23.042)
It's not like you're choosing it each time your body auto runs that old code. And here's the empowering part. If you taught your system this pattern once, okay, but here's the empowering part. Here's what maybe you're not thinking about. Cause I hear this all the time in coaching and the groups and I hear it often. And I've thought it myself.

What if I can't do this? What if I can't get better? What if I can't get past this? What if, what if, what if, what if, right? What if I can't?

But here's the empowering part. If you taught your system this pattern once, you can teach it a new one. You can teach it again. You've already done it.

That's where your genius came in.

that's the genius in the pattern is you have already picked it. And here's the part that blows my mind and hopefully yours. And here's the part that blows my mind and maybe yours. But every bad behavior you hate is just your nervous system showing how good it is at its job.

Shanenn Bryant (16:46.68)
jealousy, hyper-vigilance disguised as love, right? Overeating, self-soothing, that worked.

Control gives you predictability and chaos. If I control the situation, if I try to control people and the environment, that works. gives me predictability. If I have to ask all the questions and I have to know all the, what's the plan, what's the schedule, what's the thing, who's going to be there, how long are we going to stay, where is it, it outside, is it inside? All of that is trying to give you this predictability.

Shanenn Bryant (17:31.79)
So you're not this controlling jerk. You're just.

a genius at making things predictable for you.

Shanenn Bryant (17:46.978)
That's design. That's genius.

So instead of asking what's wrong with me, ask what was my system trying to do for me? Like in that triggered moment, what was my system trying to do? What did I need in that moment?

Shanenn Bryant (18:10.162)
And you know that this is one of my like hot buttons. It's one of the things I'm gonna push. I'm probably gonna talk about it in every episode or many of them. But the reason people stay stuck isn't, I can't figure this out. I can't do it. It's the shame about it. Shame is like mold. It grows in dark places. It grows in silence and secrecy.

Shanenn Bryant (18:36.226)
The more you hide it, the more it feeds. I feel bad about this. There's something wrong with me. can't do, I can't ever be different. Can't do this. That's why some people avoid group coaching. Some people avoid reaching out for help altogether. Not because they don't want to get better, but because they don't want to be seen in this shame. They don't want to talk about it. They won't want to bring it up, but we have to.

We have to find a safe environment to bring this up, to look at it, to examine it, to pull it apart. Cause that's the trap, the secrecy and the shame. That's the trap. The thing that heals shame is being seen. The thing that breaks the loop is realizing, Hey, everyone has one. Everyone picks this, right? But let me now be intentional.

about the things that I'm picking. So now can it be going to the gym? Sure. Can there be other things that give us immediate relief? Yes. But we just got to pick different ones. You need new stabilizers.

Shanenn Bryant (19:53.933)
The shame is just another old stabilizer keeping you right where you are. It's your brain saying, hey look, this is what we always do. We always think we can't get better. We always think it's gonna be too hard. We always think that we're gonna be embarrassed or it's too embarrassing. Just keep doing what we're doing because we know it works. Right? You're getting temporary.

temporary relief with the stabilizers that you currently have. You're getting relief from that. But unfortunately, it's temporary. It comes right back.

Shanenn Bryant (20:37.922)
but your brain is telling you, hey, it works. That's your reward, so to speak. Because you don't have to feel the pain of the uncomfortable and don't have to feel the pain of like, taking a different step, doing something different. That's the old genius in you saying, just stay right here. Like don't move, don't do anything different because that's...

scary and we don't like scary. We know what to do right now to keep you from not being scared. And if you start to get that way, we've got the stabilizer. We're going to do the thing.

Shanenn Bryant (21:16.29)
So if you have been following me for very long, you know that we had a previous German shepherd named Samson who passed away way too young. He passed away at eight last October. And I'm telling you, mean, as of the time of this recording, has been just past a year. He died right before Halloween last year.

I'm tired. can't even, I still can't even talk about that dog without just getting so emotional. I, it's so tough. But we earlier this year, we got a new puppy, a new German Shepherd puppy named Gunner and Gunner and

And Gunner is currently getting used to his fence and like learning to stay inside of his electric fence, but we don't fully trust him yet. Where we live, there are woods all around us. So we have all the nature deer, Fox, coyote, skunk, Samson, poor thing. He got skunked twice. And we just know that Gunner is going to happen to Gunner because he's even more inquisitive and confident.

than Samson was, but so we have all the wildlife. So I just don't trust Gunner that he's not gonna like run after them or, you know, take off after them. So because he's still learning his fence, we have to take him outside, you know, on a leash to go to the bathroom. And so.

Shanenn Bryant (23:09.194)
A few nights ago, I was taking him out before bed, so it was already dark, and I just started to think, so a few nights, so normally when I take him out, because we have all the wildlife around, I'm like really loud, like we have bells on the door, that's how he alerts us, goes and rings the bells so that we know he has to go outside, but so I'm like, ring the bell, and I'm just really loud and big or whatever.

so that the wildlife will run away before we get out there.

Shanenn Bryant (23:47.445)
and

You know, so that one, nothing like, nothing bad happens to him and we can shoo off all the wildlife in the immediate area, especially the skunk. But I started to think the other night, like he's going to have to get used to seeing deer in our yard. It's like they come at a lot in our yard and he's going to have to learn to not respond to it. He's going to have to see a turtle in our driveway because it happens all the time and not freak out over it.

So the other night I decided, you know what? I'm gonna be really quiet and you know, I'm gonna be really quiet. I'm gonna be really quiet when we go out and whatever is out there in the wild, whatever might be lurking there to, know, harm us, harm him, scare him, make him take off, whatever's going to happen, is gonna happen, right? Whatever is out there.

So we were really quiet and we walk into the grass and

We just stood there and because I was just standing there and very calm and started to listen and observe all the sounds.

Shanenn Bryant (25:14.035)
and all the sounds.

Shanenn Bryant (25:19.942)
And I started, you know, taking in all the stars and I could feel Gunnar like settle in and listen from a really calm place. And it was such a different experience for both of us. You know, being so nervous about what was going to happen and what could be out there that could hurt us or hit me, know, Tim take off, but then taking the leap to say, I don't want him.

to be responsive in a negative way about everything that moves. I don't want him to be afraid. I don't want us to be afraid.

So that meant that we had to do things differently. And at first it was a little unsettling. And then it was like the most beautiful few minutes of stargazing and just listening to the sounds of nature and just seeing him like take it all in and really pay attention and really hear. It was so beautiful and such a moment.

And then he took a poopy and it smelled disgusting and it ruined the entire mood. It ruined the moment, so to speak. It was terrible. But.

Shanenn Bryant (26:56.47)
But my point is what if your new stabilizer was when I feel uncomfortable, I know I can handle the emotions and work through them. What if it was, I'm going to do something different this time, instead of continuing to suffer, continuing to not make a move. Your new stabilizer is.

I'm going to choose a healthier way to handle this instead of drinking or drugging or gambling or yelling or snooping or scrolling instead of those things. What if it was, I get to now as an adult or as an adult outside of the situation, when it first happened, I get to now choose a healthier stabilizer.

choose something different. A healthier way to handle this.

You've already done it before. You've already picked these stabilizers that worked, that got you back to center, that got you out of pain, that got you feeling back to normal. You can pick new stabilizers again. Okay. Before we end today, and I've got a little bit more to say, but I want to make sure that I tell you this. I am

So stinking excited to finally share this with you. To finally share this with you. I've been working on something that is completely different from what I've done before. And enrollment is officially open right now. If you're listening to this, you can go enroll. It's called 30 days to different and listen.

Shanenn Bryant (28:59.178)
If you're exhausted from jealousy, running your relationship, if you are sick of spiraling every time your partner takes too long to text you back or they like someone else's photo or they came home later than expected or you got triggered at an event, whatever it is, this is for you. This is an experience. It's about legitimate transformation. We're talking about your nervous system.

meeting neuroscience in a way that actually creates change. So here's how the experience works. For 30 days, I will be with you every single day. You will wake up to my morning mental smoothies delivered straight to your phone or email that literally rewire how your brain responds to triggers. And then, and this is my favorite part.

We're together live on zoom six times in that 30 days. That's about every five days live coming together. Six live sessions total where I teach you exactly how to regulate your body in seconds when jealousy hits. Not in 20 minutes of deep breathing, although that works outside of it, but in seconds, like how is this all working? What does it need? We're creating calm from chaos.

We're interrupting patterns before they spiral. No more victim mentality, no more blaming your partner, no more feeling helpless when jealousy hits.

Shanenn Bryant (30:41.44)
It's understanding, it's relief. It's finally seeing the pattern instead of repeating it. And here's the thing. Here's the thing and maybe the best part. Just when you start to slip, just when you think you might fall back into your old patterns, boom, it's time for another live session to pull you back up. I cannot wait.

to do this with you. Like I'm genuinely pumped about what's going to happen in these 30 days. You're going to learn things about jealousy and your nervous system that will blow your mind. That is probably different than what you've heard. 30 days to different starts Saturday, November 29th, and it's only $197. That's it. 30 days having me there, holding your hand.

six times live, just win. The old stuff creeps in, boom, live again. So go to topself.com right now to enroll. You are going to want to be part of this experience with us. I think it's the most excited I've been about an opportunity for you. 30 days, 30 days to different. And what that means for you when it comes to jealousy is part of the experience.

I cannot wait to get going. wish it were this weekend, but it's not. It's Saturday, November 29th. So come join us, topself.com or you can just scroll down in the show notes or you know the drill. You can just scroll down in the show notes and click the link there. I am so excited for this experience for you.

If you can be such a genius to find the fastest, most effective way to cope, to survive, to get through something in your past, you can set aside the story that you're telling yourself about your jealousy and bring out that genius again to just find healthier ways, to just learn about it, to understand exactly what's going on. You're not a jerk. You're a genius.

Shanenn Bryant (32:56.078)
And I know that about you, you're a very kind-hearted genius at that. Now, what would a genius do the next time they felt jealous? What would a genius do to change it? Maybe they'd join the 30 days to different experience.

Also, I want to remind you, we are on YouTube. So this podcast is on YouTube. If you haven't subscribed already, please do so. I would be so grateful. I want you to change the narrative of, I'm so ashamed that I do these things to, am such a wicked ass genius for picking this. Look how well it's working, but it's time to upgrade, right? What worked then?

is not working for you now, we just need to upgrade it. So I look forward to doing that with you. Until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.