Why Your Brain Needs To Talk It Out EP 120

It's 10 p.m. You're laying in bed, trying to go to sleep. Your phone's laying there, charging on your nightstand. And you can't stop staring at it. And you can't stop thinking about your partner's earlier text response.

Shanenn Bryant (00:50.516)

It's 10 p.m. You're laying there in bed trying to go to sleep. Your phone is on the charger on your nightstand and you can't stop staring at it. And you can't stop thinking about the text message that your partner sent earlier. That was just a simple, okay, sounds good. Talk to you tomorrow. Okay, sounds good. Talk to you tomorrow. But something about it felt off.

Too brief. No heart emoji. No, I love you. Your chest is tight. Your mind is racing through every interaction from the past week. Now, your mind, your chest is tight. Your mind is racing through every interaction from the past week. The way he seemed distracted during dinner on Tuesday night. How he didn't laugh at your joke like he usually does. The split second too long look he gave to the woman at the coffee shop.

Every memory hits like evidence in a case that you're building against yourself and your partner. And now? You can't sleep and it's all you can think about. Your heart's pounding. You need someone to talk to. You need to process this to figure out what it all means to get some reassurance from someone.

but you've already called your best friend about this exact same spiral two days ago. You can practically hear their barely concealed sigh when she answers the phone. That slight pause before she said, what's going on? The way she cut you off mid-sentence with, maybe you should just talk to him about it.

Quite possibly you've moved to your backup friends. I remember doing this. You called your college roommate that you haven't, that's, you called your college roommate who lives three time zones away. You even called that friend from work that you've only talked to on the phone a couple times. And you've talked about relationship at work, but never outside of work. Like you're getting really desperate. You're scrolling through your contact list thinking, okay, who haven't I talked to in a long time? Who hasn't heard?

Shanenn Bryant (03:14.688)

this part about my relationship or this particular version of my relationship drama yet. You even consider calling that cousin, the one that always has the opinions about everything and somehow makes every conversation about herself, but hey, at least she's a fresh set of ears, right?

So you lie there alone with your spinning thoughts, feeling like you're drowning in your own insecurity. Feeling like you're drowning in your own insecurity because calling means either risking that exhausted tone again from your friend or having to explain three months of back history to someone who doesn't even know your partner's name. If this sounds familiar, I want you to know you're not alone.

What if it didn't have to be this way? What if you could have a place to process these intense feelings without exhausting your friendships? What if you could talk through your relationship anxiety with people who actually understand what you're going through? 

People who don't roll their eyes when you need to analyze that text for the third time, but instead say, my gosh, I know, I've been there too.

Shanenn Bryant (04:49.378)

Imagine feeling secure enough in your relationship that a delayed text doesn't send you spiraling. Picture yourself able to trust your partner's love without needing constant reassurance. Envision having the tools to calm your own nervous system when insecurity hits instead of desperately reaching for your phone to call someone, who might be able to help you make it stop.

Today, we're talking about why relationship insecurity creates this desperate need to process everything out loud, why your friends and family can't always be your emotional processing center, and most importantly, how there's a better way to get the support you actually need. A way that doesn't exhaust your friendships, doesn't leave you feeling more isolated than ever, and helps you build the secure relationship you're craving. 

Before we move on though, I want to make sure you understand I'm not saying don't call your friends and to just deal with this alone. I'm not saying don't lean on your friends and family, but if you are feeling bad about it, if you feel like you're exhausting them,

This episode is for you. Now, I offer Talk It Out Tuesdays and I post when we're having those group when we're having that support group in the Facebook group. So if you haven't joined Jealousy Junkie Facebook group, make sure you do so that you get notified when we have those. I also have the awesome Behind Your Jealous Mind Bootcamp. That is a group program. The doors are open for that right now. You can go in and register for the upcoming bootcamp. That is an amazing six-week group program, so go check that out. The link is in the show notes. You can find it there. 

But I want to start with the science behind processing out loud and something that might surprise you. There's actual neuroscience behind why you need to talk things out when you're anxious and insecure.

Shanenn Bryant (07:22.306)

When you're in that spinning, anxious state, our brains are essentially in overdrive. The emotional center of your brain, the amygdala, it is firing like crazy, while the logical part, the prefrontal cortex, is struggling to keep up. And we talk about the amygdala being like you're seeing eye dog, it's out in front, it's looking for all the threats.

Imagine it's the same thing if you could imagine yourself running with my German Shepherd Gunner and trying to keep up with them. That's what your poor prefrontal cortex is trying to do. This is where co-regulation comes in. So co-regulation is like the process of when an individual's autonomic nervous system is calmed, balanced, and energized through interaction with another individual with another individual. When we speak our thoughts and our fears out loud to another person, their calm presence helps our nervous system settle down. It's literally a dance between two nervous systems. But it's important that you have the right dance partner.

Because as you may know from experience, if you talk to someone who really doesn't get it, doesn't understand this, they may step on your feet a bit and not really give you the calm comfort that your nervous system needs. Not because they're mean people, but people try to solve, right? So if you're bringing them a problem, they're going to try to solve it. And that might sound like, you know, they want to help, but that might sound like, why are you worried about things that haven't happened? Or, why would that upset you? Or, it's no big deal. Whatever the ones are that you've heard.

Shanenn Bryant (09:32.716)

Now, where this can get even trickier for those of us that with relationship insecurity is every interaction with our partner can become loaded with meaning. A delayed text response becomes evidence that he's losing interest. A casual comment about another woman becomes a threat to your relationship. Your brain is constantly scanning for danger and every perceived threat needs to be processed.

This isn't weakness, this is your nervous system trying to protect you. But because the threat feels so real and so urgent, the need to process feels equally as urgent. You can't just let it go. Because your brain is convinced that if you don't figure this out now, if you don't do something about this now, if you don't think through this or give it attention, something terrible might happen. 

So maybe you call your friend. Again. And you know that you're calling about the same patterns, the same fears, but it feels different to you because this time it's a little bit of a different circumstance. This time, the evidence feels more real. Now, from your friend's perspective, they see the same cycle playing out over and over and over. They give you advice, you feel better maybe in the moment, and then you're back with the same anxiety over a slightly different situation.

They don't understand that for you, each incident feels genuinely threatening. They see patterns. You feel individual crisis. They think logically you're responding emotionally. It's not that they don't care. It's that they cannot match the emotional intensity that you're experiencing because they're not living it. They're not living in your nervous system. And honestly, thank goodness.

Shanenn Bryant (11:39.246)

That's a good thing. they matched your anxiety every time, you both would be burnt out in a week. So then what happens? What do you do? You stop calling? You stop sharing?

But that anxiety doesn't go anywhere. Now you're dealing with relationship insecurity and the shame of feeling like you're too much even for your closest friends and family. And this is where the real damage happens because now you're not just insecure in your romantic relationships, you're feeling insecure in all your relationships. You start believing that there's something fundamentally wrong with you. Something that makes you more needy, more dramatic, more broken than everyone else. 

There's a really great life coach named Brooke Castillo and she says, you're not a special snowflake. like it's not just you, this happens, but we start to see it as a we're the only one. It's like all we can see.

Very much like your social media algorithm, right? If you look up, when I started looking up German Shepherd puppies, you would think that's the only dog in the world because that's all that gets shown to me. And so then I start thinking, I'm the only one. know, it's only German Shepherds. It's only this. We start thinking that way about ourselves. And now you're dealing with these intense emotions completely alone, which makes them feel even more overwhelming. 

Without any external perspective, your anxious thoughts start to feel like absolute truth. that delayed tax response really does mean he's losing interest. That comment about another woman really was inappropriate. You have no comparison. You have no thing to compare to. You're stuck in your own head with only your insecurity for company.

Let me tell you, insecurity is a terrible roommate. It never cleans up its mess and it always leaves you completely drained. So something that we need to normalize. Your friends who don't struggle with relationship insecurity cannot understand what you're going through. It's not that they don't want to help. It's that they don't have the neural pathways to create this type of anxiety. They don't have that same thought process. When you tell them you're worried because your partner seemed distant at dinner, they think, okay, well, so ask them. Ask them if something's wrong. Or then what? What else? Why are you freaking out about that? Okay, so they were quiet. And guaranteed, they're like, well, maybe they are busy with work. Maybe they were just thinking about work. Maybe they were this. They're trying to solve it.

They don't understand that your brain has already created 17 different scenarios for why he seemed distant and 12 of them end with him leaving you. They don't get that. They're trying to problem solve. What they see is, okay, is it a communication issue? Is it even a non-issue? And you're trying to manage what feels like a threat to your entire sense of safety and security.

And this is why it's really hard to explain. Like, okay, so it took him longer to text back or he didn't say, I love you, but still text you. Like they don't understand that for you, it is a threat to your literal. It's survival for you. It is a threat to your safety. That is how you are interpreting it. And that's really hard to understand by someone who doesn't experience this.

Shanenn Bryant (15:47.766)

Let's also acknowledge something uncomfortable. Being someone's primary emotional support for ongoing anxiety is really hard. It requires emotional energy, mental bandwidth, and the ability to stay regulated while someone else is dysregulated. They're trying to figure that out and...

They're not therapists. They're not coaches. not. They don't necessarily have all of these tools. They care about you.

And even for me, I have to take some time from time to time to sort of regroup. It's why I don't offer one-on-one coaching on Friday, only Monday through Thursday, because I need that time, because I'm in it with my clients. I'm hearing all of their struggles and that takes emotional energy. It takes mental bandwidth and I want to show up my best self for them.

And I do this all day long, every day, where your friends aren't always in that mindset. You know, they're not always going to be in that mindset. They have their own lives. They have their own challenges, their own emotional struggles with emotional capacity. And this makes it hard for them to be there in the way that you need them to be there every time through no fault of either of one of you.

It's just, know, life is busy for everyone and they're human beings with limited resources and they don't have the tools or training to help you get through deep-seated patterns of insecurity.

Shanenn Bryant (17:40.736)

Now, imagine instead, you're sharing that same story about your partner seeming distant at dinner, but this time the person listening says, my gosh, yes, last week I spent out all freaking day because my boyfriend said, see you later instead of I love you when he left for work. Suddenly you're not crazy. You're not alone.

Someone else's brain works like yours. Someone else feels that same crushing anxiety over seemingly small things. Someone else has spent hours thinking about a text message or trying to respond in a certain way that makes it seem casual, not too much, and they've done it all.

This is the power of being understood by somebody who's walked the same path or is walking the same path. When you're talking to somebody, when you're talking to someone who's experienced relationship insecurity, the conversation shifts. Instead of trying to solve your problem, they're validating your experience. Like, yeah, I get it. Instead of telling you to just communicate it or just stop thinking about it or stop freaking out.

They say, I know that feeling of being scared to bring it up because what if it causes a fight? I know the feeling of thinking about that text all the time. I know what it feels like. I know that sick pit in your stomach after you've looked through their phone and you feel like shit about it. They know. They don't need you to explain why a delayed text response feels threatening. They already know. They know it. You don't have to...

just walk through it. They don't think you're overreacting because they've had the same reactions. They get that the anxiety really isn't about the text response. We all know that, right? It's not about the actual response. It's about the deeper fear of being abandoned, of being not enough, whatever those core wounds are. They get it. This is the power of behind your jealous mind bootcamp too or talk it out Tuesday. When you're around people who truly understand your struggles, that shame lifts. And I have been talking about this for so long. You will realize that smart, successful, lovable people also experience this type of insecurity. You're not uniquely broken your human dealing with a common but intense emotional challenge. And this realization is incredible. I don't want to use the word healing, it is. Shame thrives in isolation and secrecy. 

And I have been talking about this for so long of when you all don't show up for Talk It Out Tuesday, when you don't enroll in it to be in that group program to go through your attachments down, figure out how you're showing up in your relationship and get supported and get coached. When you don't do that because, well, I can't, I don't want to get in group because I don't want anybody else to see that I have this. I don't want to; they're going to see who I am. 

Shame thrives in isolation and secrecy. When you can share your experience with people who respond with recognition rather than judgment, the shame loses its power. Starting this podcast was not easy for me. To say all the things out loud that I say is not the easiest thing in the world, but man, has it gotten so much easier and I have gotten so much better because of it. Even just the whatever three and half years that we've been doing this podcast. 

So just think about that relationship insecurity doesn't develop because you're weak or dramatic or needy. It usually develops as a response to early experiences that taught your nervous system that love is unpredictable or conditional. Maybe you had a parent who was emotionally inconsistent. Maybe you experienced early rejection or abandonment. Maybe you grew up in an environment where love felt scarce, or it had to be earned. Your nervous system has learned to be hypervigilant about threats to connection because at some point,

That vigilance was necessary for your emotional survival. And what we call insecurity is just your nervous system trying to protect you based on old information. It's scanning for signs that this person might leave, might reject you, might not be trustworthy, because it's trying to prevent you from experiencing that pain again.

There's nothing to be ashamed about that. This is not adaptive. It's not pathological. Your brain is doing its job. It's just using outdated software, so to speak.

This is also why you can't just think your way out of relationship insecurity. You're not dealing with a logical problem; you're dealing with a nervous system response. So, telling yourself to just trust more or your friends or family telling you just to get over it to just whatever it is, it's like telling somebody with a phobia to just stop being afraid. It doesn't address the underlying system that's creating that response.

That's the step you have to take. For this, there is such power in group support. When you are in group of people who understand relationship insecurity, something super magical happens. You realize you're not the only one that checks your partner's social media. You're not the only one who rehearses difficult conversations 17 times before you have them because you're afraid.

Shanenn Bryant (24:33.144)

You're not the only one who feels like they need constant reassurance. You're not the only one checking their location. You're not the only one that is worried or gets sick to their stomach when there's a bra commercial on TV. Like you're not the only one.

This normalization is incredibly powerful. But more than that, you also get to see other people walk through the same challenges that you're facing. You can witness their breakthroughs, their setbacks, their progress. You see that change is possible. In group setting, you're not just getting support from one perspective or just me as the coach, you're getting wisdom from like multiple people that have navigated similar challenges. 

So, someone might share a strategy that they're trying or that has worked for them. Someone else might offer like a reframe that shifts your entire perspective. I have seen this so many times and I've experienced myself where someone will say something and the way that they said it, or just all the stars were aligned at that time for me to hear it differently, but it shifted something in me. It made me look at it completely different. And that is so cool. It's so life-changing when that happens. It's just such a cool thing. But also most importantly, you get to give support too.

When you start feeling more comfortable, you're going to help someone else work through their own insecurity. When you can do that, you're reinforcing your own healing. You're reminded that you have wisdom, and you have strength to offer. I have 100 % factual experience with this because doing this podcast absolutely helps to reinforce the tools and techniques that I know that sometimes can get little rusty with me.

Shanenn Bryant (26:39.938)

Like maybe haven't done it a long time or it or it makes me think about something deeper so that I can explain it here or maybe like kind of or kind of like going to church where, you are sometimes we just need that weekly reminder to get back on path, right? To get back on the path. If you've so if you have recognized yourself in this episode, I want you to know that seeking support isn't admitting defeat, it's taking responsibility. 

Your friends love you, but they can't be your therapist. They can't be your coach. Your partner loves you, but they can't fix your insecurity for you. What you need is a space where your struggles are understood, where you can process without shame, where you can learn alongside other people who truly get what you're going through.

You do not have to figure this out alone. You don't have to exhaust your friends and family. And you definitely don't have to stay stuck in patterns that are keeping you from the secure and trusting relationship that you deserve. Remember, you're not too much. You're not broken. You are human, dealing with very human challenges. And with the right support, those challenges can become your greatest strengths. Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.