What Would Your Life Be Like If You Weren't Jealous EP 123

Welcome to the Top Self Podcast where we talk about jealousy and insecurity in relationships and how to manage through it. I'm Shannon Bryant, and today we're going to dive into a question that maybe you've thought about before. If I weren't jealous, what would life be like? And I remember, and I remember years ago being on a cruise ship, we took a cruise and this was many, many, years ago, not with my husband, but this was really before my jealousy.

This was many, many years ago before my jealousy got to a point where it was an everyday thing, but it would just show up from time to time. And it was the first night of the cruise and we went to a show, you know, they have different shows and different things that you can go to. And I was so excited to...

It was the first night. It was like right after this amazing dinner that we had and I couldn't wait and was so super excited. I sit down. I was so super excited until the women started coming out dancing wearing a thong outfit with like the nude hose, the nude colored hose underneath like that you see performers have. And I felt like this knot in my stomach. And it really caught me off guard. I didn't expect it. I didn't expect that they were just gonna be wearing thongs and I'm gonna be sitting here looking at their butts.

But the entire time, and again, this was years ago. So this was before it was commonplace to show your whole rear end in public. Like it really wasn't a thing, at least here in the U S and all I wanted to do was get up, walk out, go to my room and curl up in a ball and just cry but I couldn't leave. I felt that trapped feeling like, my gosh, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. And as I sat there, just like was looking around. It was a sea of couples, of course, right? On this cruise. I mean, it's just all couples mostly. And all of them are sitting there watching these gorgeous women dancing around in a thong.

And I noticed that the other women there just relaxed. They were smiling, they were having fun, not even paying attention to what their partner was looking at and seemingly not having a care in the world. This didn't seem to bother them at all. And I remember thinking, how does this not bother you? How are you not dying inside right now? How are you able to do that? And why am I so different than all of these other women?

I wanted SO desperately to be like them. To be a woman who could just enjoy herself without constantly monitoring and analyzing. I had no idea how they did it.

And so maybe you've had moments like this too. You see other women who seem so secure, so unbothered by things that would send you into a, you know, to a spiral. And you wonder, who would I be if I could be like that? Like, what would my life look like?

Today, we're going to explore how jealousy feels like it's your identity, why your brain thinks it's protecting you. And most importantly, ways to begin to discover the confident, secure, and most importantly ways to discover the confident, secure person who's been waiting underneath all along. That person has been there. They've just had pile after pile after pile of crap on them.

I've learned after coaching so many people that jealousy isn't just an emotion for many of us. It becomes a role we play, like a job that we show up to every single day. Like this is all the stuff that I do. You know, think about it. How much of your mental energy goes into monitoring your partner's behavior?

Analyzing their social media activity. Scanning for threats and red flags. Creating these elaborate scenarios in your mind. Seeking reassurance and validation.

When jealousy becomes your full-time job, your identity, when, when jealousy becomes your full-time job, your identity starts to revolve around being the vigilant protector of your relationship. You become the woman who catches the problems, who stays alert, who never lets her guard down. And here's the scary part.

Your brain starts to believe that without this vigilance, without you doing all of these things constantly, I'm all, I'm, I have to remind them, Hey, don't, you know, don't get too flirty. have to remind them of this. have to remind of this. have to check on this. It thinks, without this vigilant vigilance, the relationship's gonna, without this vigilance, the relationship will fall apart.

And kind of whispers, like, if you stop being jealous, you'll become careless. If you become careless, you'll lose him. Or you'll lose her.

I have heard this so many times and I remember thinking that so often like, if I don't keep doing this, then they're going to mess up or someone's going to come in. If I don't remind them, if I don't protect,

then what's going to happen. But before we talk about letting go of jealousy, we need to understand what it's been doing for you because jealousy is not just a random thing. It's actually working overtime behind the scenes to meet certain needs of yours. And your brain's not going to let it go until we find a healthier way for you to meet those needs.

Jealousy makes you feel like you're actively protecting your relationship. Checking her phone feels protective. Analyzing every female interaction feels like research. Analyzing every female interaction that he has feels like research. But here's the truth. Jealousy gives you the illusion. But, jealousy only gives you the illusion of control while actually making you completely out of control, completely powerless. And I know that you have felt that. I know that you have felt like all of this controlling and you may not have connected the dots yet, but all of your controlling, I know that you feel very out of control. So think about it when you're checking phones, when you're controlling everything, you're reacting.

When you're analyzing every conversation that he has with another woman, you're not preventing anything from happening. You're just torturing yourself with scenarios. When you're asking like, where are you for the fifth time? you know, what did you do today? Or who'd you talk to? You're not ensuring their loyalty. You're displaying your lack of trust and pushing them away.

Like I think that is the biggest thing and I know it's also the hardest mind shift to go, I need to let this person be who they're going to be so that I can see what they may or may not do. But we're so busy controlling all, like controlling their environment and controlling and feeling like we're protecting the relationship and that that is how we're going to keep it and that's how it's not gonna fracture or crack or mess up. We're not gonna get left that way and that's not it.

Real control would be setting clear boundaries and walking away if they're crossed. Real control would be choosing partners who are trustworthy in the first place. And I know you question like, how do I know? But real control would be knowing that you can handle whatever happens and making decisions from that place of strength. So when we keep going back to like, well, how do I know that I'm picking the right person? You have to let them be them to know, but we go into it like, I'm going to control, control, control, control. And then it may take a while. It may take us not seeing it for a long time. So it's weird because it's like you're constantly investigating.

And really you're just, you're prolonging whatever truth is going to be there. Like you're, you're, you're inhibiting what, what's really going to be there. Like what the real truth is. Jealousy has you like jumping at shadows, reacting to threats that don't exist and giving away all your power to fear.

So growing up, I heard my parents argue constantly because my dad's drinking. I watched my mom walk on eggshells, always stressed, always hyper vigilant. And we all were like, what were the things that we're going to accept for maybe my older brother who just did whatever he wanted to do, whenever he wanted to do it. But I, I'm sure he experienced it and felt it too. I know he did cause he got the brunt of a lot of things, but We were all just so like everything revolved around him and what we did and how like, you know, do this so dad doesn't get upset or we don't want to rock the boat over here or how is it going to be tonight? We don't know what kind of mood is he going to be in? Is he going to want to drink? Is he going to chill? It's like just constant. And you know what I learned?

And in that, you know what I learned? That that's what love looked like. Like that's what love looks like, I guess. That chaos, that constant tension, that feeling like you always had to be like on. That I guess was how relationships functioned. So when I got into my own relationships, so when I get...

So when I got into my own relationships, drama and intensity felt like home. It felt like love, the jealousy, the fights, the emotional roller coasters. My brain thought, this is what caring looks like. This is perfect for you. Your brain might be doing the same thing. Confusing, familiar chaos with genuine connection. And whether the person's doing something good or not, or bad or not,

You trying to control the situation and always being on and always being hyper vigilant is going to block. It's going to cause chaos. It's going to cause drama no matter what. this is a big one. Jealousy keeps you in that defensive posture, which feels safer than being truly vulnerable. And again, I get why you might be afraid of being vulnerable because you were probably vulnerable at some time and someone caused you pain, someone hurt you, someone took advantage of you being vulnerable. If you're always expecting betrayal,  you're never going to risk being completely open and trusting. Which could lead to hurt anyway.

And that biggest thing is not believing that you have what it takes to stand on your own two feet, to be there for yourself, to protect you in a different way, like to love you, to care for yourself. And that's a whole other episode, but that is often what happens when your jealousy leads to reassurance seeking, you get these temporary hits of validation. Like, no, baby, you know, you're the only one. Of course I love you. And these moments feel like proof of your value in some way, but they're, they're fleeting and you just need more and more and more to feel secure. If you're like me, like I could go through the whole argument or scenario or reassurance scene on my own. Like it got to a point where I didn't even need a partner there. I was like in my head just playing it all out. If I asked this, they're gonna say this. 

Like of course they're gonna give me the reassurance most likely. Or if I asked them if they just looked at that person, they're going to say no, or they're going to this, or they're gonna get mad. Like you could have the whole thing by yourself. So you already know all of that. Which is why it's it's fleeting. And then, okay, well, I need it again and again and again to feel secure because I've given my security to you. In fact, I'm in the behind, behind your jealous mind book. 

In fact, In the Behind Your Jealous Mind bootcamp that's going on right now, the group was just talking about this pattern of saying something just in case. You know what I mean? You have this scenario playing in your head, so you say something like, I just want you to know. It's kind of like, I'm going to say something because I just want you to know that I know.

Like I just want you to know that I know that's a possibility that you could have done this thing or or just so you know, I noticed this and I'm aware of it. You're not even accusing them of anything specific, but you're letting them know that you're watching, that you're suspicious, that you've thought all the ways that they could portray betray you.

And I used to do this so much. I'd bring up these hypothetical concerns just to see their reaction. Just to get that reassurance that they weren't thinking what I thought they might be thinking. And not intentionally, of course. Like I wasn't in my mind doing that. mean, sometimes maybe, but it's just kind of the way it came out. But all I was really doing was training them to manage my insecurities instead of building actual trust. And we know somebody else cannot in the long run manage your insecurities. Now here's what I want you to understand. 

Your brain thinks these patterns made sense at some point. It tells you stories like jealousy protected you from that cheating ex or it helped you stay alert in that toxic relationship. And a lot of times this happens because maybe you were in a relationship where there was infidelity and you were suspicious leading up to finding out. And so then your brain goes, see, see all that stuff that we did. Yep, yep, see, we figured it out, we found out. We had to do that to get there. Guess what? No, you don't.

Most likely you're going to find out about that cheating partner anyway. And I get the argument for, if I, I found out because I looked in their phone. Okay. Well, that might be the case, but it doesn't mean that that's the only way you were ever going to find out. And most likely if you could get your nervous system, get the jealousy off board then you would be able to rely on your own instincts, your own intuition, which is very different than trying to figure things out from fear. And let's be honest, did you actually, did jealousy actually prevent the cheating or did it just make you suffer while it was happening? Like you didn't protect against it. 

You just suffered the whole time? Did the hypervigilance actually protect you or did it just exhaust you while the chaos continued around you? What jealousy actually did was give you something to do with your anxiety. It gave you a job. It gives you a role, a way to feel like you have some control.

But protection, real protection, comes from boundaries, from self-worth, from self-trust, and the courage to leave someone, and the courage to leave when someone shows you who they are. But the thing is, you're preventing that person from potentially showing you who they are by trying to control all the things in the environment, in their environment and in yours. Your jealousy has been trying to take care of you, but it's time to ask it like, is this still good for me? Is this still the thing that I need to rely on?

So let's talk about who you actually are when jealousy isn't there or if that jealousy or if that jealousy wasn't there. Because what I've discovered working with men and women who have, you know, doing this work, because what I've discovered doing this work and even for myself, when you stop spending all your mental energy on relationship surveillance, you suddenly have so much bandwidth for everything else.

Without jealousy consuming your thoughts, you start focusing on creating instead of protecting. You're not spending hours analyzing his behavior. You're planning your next career move. You're not stalking his ex or her ex on Instagram. You're researching courses that you want to take. Your brain has more space for growth creativity and building the life you actually want have thought about this so many times and without a doubt that if I were still jealous as I was, and I was still as anxious as I was, there is NO WAY I could do this podcast. Think about that. There's no way I could. I wouldn't have the energy, I wouldn't have the time, I couldn't focus on it. 

No way at all. could do that. All that mental bandwidth that used to go towards the relationship surveillance. That's what I use now to research episodes, to connect with my audience, to build something meaningful, to take the time to say, Hey, I've got to go do this thing to go travel and speak and be able to not, you know, be able to focus and be present enough to do that. When you're not constantly worried about your relationship, you discover who you are outside of it.

You discover what you want to do outside of it. How many hobbies have you abandoned because you're too anxious about your relationship? How many friendships have you neglected because you're too busy monitoring your partner? Cause you don't want to go, I don't want to go have drinks or dinner with my girlfriends because I'm worried about them being home. I don't want to go see my Nana who, know, I don't want to go leave and see my Nana who's sick because I'm afraid to leave. Without jealousy, you remember what you actually enjoy. You pick up the guitar again, you call that friend back, you take a pottery class, you actually go work out and feel like, I can be at the gym and concentrate. You realize that you're a fascinating freaking person with your own interests, but it goes beyond just having hobbies again. There's something that happens to your energy when you're not constantly anxious. And I will tell you, for me, that is by far like, that's the life-changing piece for me. Is that I do not have that sinking stomach feeling that racing heart that

I see this all the time with my one-on-one clients. I can see them and feel the anxious energy from them through the Zoom call. I can feel it.

When you stop being the person who's always worried, always checking, always needing reassurance, you become incredibly attractive and strong, not just to your partner, but to everyone around you. And most importantly, to yourself. There's something magnetic about a person who trusts in themselves.

who's engaged in their own life, who doesn't need constant validation to feel okay. And I'm not saying this to make you worry even more. I'm not saying this to make you worry even more. I'm just letting you know that's how you could be. And when you're not playing it safe with your relationships, you stop playing it safe everywhere else too.

Jealousy only keeps you playing small and playing safe. Without it, you start saying yes to opportunities. You apply for the promotion because yeah, I can think about it. You book that trip. You start that business. You have conversations you've been avoiding. You become brave in all areas of your life, not just your relationship. And that's the biggest thing that I have seen. Maybe the most beautiful part is how it affects your daily experience. When you're not constantly living in future scenarios of betrayal or past memories of hurt, you can actually be here. Enjoy dinner with your partner. Be present with your child. You can laugh without wondering if you're being too much or this or that. You can have sex.

without your mind racing of, are they thinking about someone else? Who did they see today? Are they thinking about me? You become fully present in your life.

When you stop looking for problems everywhere, you actually become better at sensing when something is wrong. Because right now everything is wrong. You can take every little thing as an indication, as a possible hint. It's like, you know, driving, uh, you know, like having a car alarm that goes off every time a leaf touches it or every time the wind blows.

When you turn off that hypersensitive alarm system, you can actually hear real warning signs. Your intuition becomes trustworthy again. And I remember this, know, growing up and no fault of my mom, but she would always like, no, no, everything's okay.

You know, when I could start to tell when I was getting old enough to like really start to tell like, gosh, something's off or they're arguing or my mom's worried about something like I could tell she was stressed or just starting to understand like, my dad hasn't been here all night long. And she would go, no, everything's fine. You know, just trying to protect our kids. But, but that actually does then start to mess with your intuition. 

Like I intuitively knew something was wrong, but then somebody's saying like, no, no, no, no, everything's fine. You start to not trust yourself. So when you can get back to, I do trust myself to know when there really is something and not just, I'm being hyper vigilant that everything is something. You actually get the intuition that you want. It actually starts to become trustworthy again.

And you know, here's what might surprise you most. Think about all the mental energy that goes into jealousy. All those hours spent scrolling, analyzing, worrying, seeking reassurance. If you could direct that goal, redirect that energy towards your actual dreams. Women who who start to be, people who start to manage their jealousy often experience incredible growth in other areas because they finally have that emotional bandwidth to focus on their goals.

The person you are without jealousy isn't someone you need to become.

They are who you naturally are when fear isn't there. Like you already are that person. So how do you actually do this? How do you transition from jealous girlfriend or jealous boyfriend to a secure confident person? It's not about flipping a switch. It is a gradual building of this kind of back to this identity where honoring the parts of you that are jealous, we're protecting honoring the parts of you that jealousy was protecting. So before we talk about how to transition into this new, new old version of you, I guess, I want to give you a completely different way to think about jealousy, because the way we talk about jealousy matters. And I continue to push, push, push, push, push on this because I know how important it is. We call it toxic. We call it crazy.

We shame ourselves for feeling it. But what if jealousy is actually just your inner security guard who's just really, really, really bad at her job? Kind of picture it like you hired a security guard to protect your most precious possession, your heart, your love, your relationship. But this security guard is paranoid.

She's untrained, she sees threats everywhere, she hears stuff, she's pulling the alarm for every shadow, every stranger walking by, every car that slows down. She's exhausting, she's disruptive, she's making everyone miserable. But she thinks she's protecting you. She thinks, hey, I'm doing my job.

She's jealous. She's not evil. She's not crazy. She's just an overprotective security guard who hasn't learned how to do her job properly.

That's it.

Your inner security guard learned her job from watching other people. Maybe she learned from your mom who checked your dad's pockets, who you'll make comments, who stayed when she shouldn't have in your opinion. Maybe she learned from movies where jealousy equals passion. Maybe she learned from your first heartbreak when being hypervigilant felt like the only way to prevent being blindsided again.

But she's operating from way outdated information. She's using a training manual. From when you were 7 or 15 or 22. Or from watching your parent's dysfunctional relationship.

She doesn't know that you're stronger now. She doesn't know that there's new information, a new way of doing something, a new manual. She hasn't gotten that yet. She doesn't have that training. She doesn't know that you've grown. She doesn't know that you can handle difficult conversations now, that you can set boundaries. And the, the Backlash from doing that isn't as harsh, isn't the same as when you were 6 or 8.

And you can even survive a heartbreak if it comes to that. And here's why she couldn't do any better back then. As a child or teenager, you didn't have the tools that you have now. You couldn't leave the environment. You couldn't set boundaries with your parents. You couldn't choose who was in your life or who your mom had in your life or your dad brought. So hypervigilance actually made sense watching for these emotional landmines trying to predict and prevent chaos. That was your survival. To predict and prevent pain. Your security guard learned her job during a time when you were truly powerless. And she's still trying to protect that vulnerable child who couldn't protect herself. 

So of course, I mean, think about if you babysat for a friend's toddler or baby, six month old baby you might be a little more like, gosh, I gotta watch this, I gotta watch this, I gotta watch this than if they were 16 or 14. Well, maybe that's not a good age. You got to watch them when they're 14 or 16 too, but you get my point

The security guard doesn't need to be fired. just needs to be re trained. She needs a new protocol. Instead of scanning for threats 24 seven, she needs to learn how to, how to access real threats versus imagined ones. How to communicate concerns without sounding alarm, like, I'm gotta make a big deal or I've got a

This is so bad that there's negative things in the relationship. How to trust your partner's character over her fears. How to protect your peace, not just in your relationship.

how to step back and let you handle things.

This is where the real work begins. You're not getting rid of your security guard. You're teaching them to be more effective. You're updating the training manual with who you are now and the tools and the adult brain and the access to things and The knowledge that you can protect your own self now.

What you're capable of handling and what real threats look like in a healthy adult relationship.

When she starts sounding the alarm instead of immediately reacting, can say, the next time you're, so while we're still training, the next time she, your security guard starts sounding the alarm instead of immediately reacting, can say, right. Thank you for trying to protect me. Let me assess the situation with my adult brain and see if it's something we actually need to worry about. And when you, in your mind, get that answer of what you really feel like deep down, TRUST that. I cannot tell you and I felt it too. I don't think my husband is out there cheating. I didn't think and I know you don't often either.

That's what's so interesting. I'll say, what do you think? Do you really think they did this thing? No. But what if they did? Right? Old training.

And we can't do that through willpower or just deciding to stop being jealous. You know that by now, or you would have already done it. It's about creating a new system and new habits that serve you better. So I want you to create what I call like a personal security briefing. I don't know. This is where you can teach this, this security guard, the real facts about your life now.

So here's what you can write down. And if you are driving, maybe just go back to this episode and write these down. what are the actual deal breakers? Not the anxious like what ifs, but the real lines that if crossed would mean that the relationship was over.

And then what is some evidence of your partner's trustworthy behavior? I think this is so important. Write it down. When have they followed through? When have they been honest even when it was hard?

Don't I know your brain already went to and they were dishonest when it was hard. Okay. But when were they honest? Even when it was hard? When have they chosen you? Build a real list, not just feelings, but a real list. Like go back, think about it.

And then... Write out your own capabilities. How have you handled difficult situations before? What evidence do you have that you're resilient? What skills do have now that you didn't have as a child or in a past relationship?

If I was not someone who felt jealousy, if I were the person, or better yet, I AM the person before these things happened, how do I respond?

Start building evidence that you can feel jealous without being controlled by it.

When you're not consumed with relationship anxiety, become a better friend. You're more present. You're more supportive. You're less likely to cancel plans because you're having a jealous spiral. Your friendships can deepen because you're bringing your whole self to them, to the dinner, to the drinks, to the whatever.

When you learn, when you learn, when you learn to trust yourself in relationships, you start trusting yourself everywhere. You trust your business instincts. You trust your parenting decisions. You trust your ability to handle whatever life throws at you. The confidence that you build in your relationship spills over into everything else. So I want to leave you with this.

You don't need to feel shame for feeling jealous. You're not crazy. You're not too much. You're not unlovable. You're not any of those things. You have an inner security guard who's been working overtime to try to protect you and she just needs some retraining or he just needs some retraining.

The woman you are without jealousy running your life isn't someone you need to become. She's someone that you need to remember. She's the one who laughs easily, who trusts deeply, who loves deeply and freely. She's the one who has dreams beyond her relationship, who knows her worth who can handle whatever life brings. And she's been there all along waiting for you to feel safe enough to let her lead again. It's been a long time. It's time to let her lead again.

Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.