What It Means When The Spark Is Gone EP 131

Shanenn Bryant (00:15.554)

Does your partner not hold your hand like they used to? The butterflies are gone. The texts are shorter. Affection feels not so much anymore. Like, a distant memory. And it's got you wondering like, is there something wrong with us? Is there something wrong with me? Did I lose my spark? Do I not have it anymore? Did he lose interest?

Shanenn Bryant (00:54.11)

Is it because I gained a little weight? Is it because of my jealousy? Or is there someone else? Today, I'm going to try to help you slow your brain roll because what happens in a long-term relationship is often super misunderstood, especially by those who already struggle with insecurity, self-doubt, fear of abandonment. 

Shanenn Bryant (01:33.474)

So we're going to talk about why love feels so intoxicating in the beginning, why that intensity fades, and why that fade doesn't automatically mean disconnection or lack of attraction or danger.

So if we think about the beginning of a romance. In the beginning of a relationship, your brain is like on drugs. That early stage love just floods your system with dopamine and that same chemical involved in motivation, reward, obsession, and anticipation. Everything feels exciting.

Shanenn Bryant (02:22.858)

Everything feels exciting. think about them constantly. A text feels like that hit that you want. The touch feels electric. There's novelty. There's uncertainty. There's chase. There's fantasy. Your brain is literally saying like, hey, pay attention to this. This is fun. This is new. This matters. But that state is not designed to last. If it did, you'd never sleep, you'd never focus, you'd never feel safe, you would burn out. 

Shanenn Bryant (03:07.95)

So if we look at this from a neuroscience perspective, dopamine's primary job is not pleasure. It's job is motivation and focus. Dopamine spikes when something's new, uncertain, slightly predictable, potentially rewarding. That's why early love feels intoxicating. Your brain is saying like, we love this. Pay attention.

Shanenn Bryant (03:40.588)

Your brain is saying, we love this. Pay attention. Like this could change your life. So novelty plus uncertainty creates heightened awareness. And that's helpful if we're trying to choose a mate, if we're trying to learn something new.

Shanenn Bryant (04:25.614)

Choosing a mate, learning about someone, assessing compatibility. But novelty cannot stay the same.

Shanenn Bryant (04:39.596)

But novelty cannot stay novel. Once your brain has learned who this person is, how they respond, that they're starting to feel safe and predictable, the dopamine system naturally downgrades. It's efficient. Your brain is designed to conserve energy, not chase highs forever. We cannot stay up here.

If that dopamine state didn't stop, you'd be burnt out. And this is important because the early stage love state is actually a stress state, not a calm one. And research shows that it mirrors like obsessive thinking, reduced appetite, sleep disruption, heightened emotional reactivity. That's not sustainable.

You that's not sustainable. I remember when my husband and I were first dating, and I'm sure you've experienced this too, he would come over and or I'd go to his house and we would stay up so late and both of us had to work in the morning. And I will never forget the first time he was like, okay, but I really have to go home early tonight. And for a minute, what?

But it really is that. You cannot be in this stress state all the time. We'd get fired. We'd be in love, but we'd have no job. So it really mirrors that. That obsessive thinking and that emotional or heightened emotional reactivity. You can't sustain that when you become parents.

You can't sustain it in long-term bonding. You can't sustain that and keep your job. So the nervous system, it has to shift gears. You'd never feel grounded. You'd struggle to focus. You'd live in that emotional hyper arousal, which we go into a new one of that, right?

Shanenn Bryant (07:04.696)

So over time, we'll talk about that, but over time, that dopamine has to slowly step back and hormones like oxytocin will move in. That's the bonding hormones, the safety hormones, the attachment hormones.

Shanenn Bryant (07:37.198)

So for those of you who have been following me or have learned and researched some about attachment styles, you'll know when you've heard me talk about this, I'm the coolest girlfriend for the first three months. I'm sure you're the coolest girlfriend or coolest boyfriend. Everything's fine. Everything's no problem. Until...the hormone switch gears, right? And we start to attach.

But this is all important. It is the way that relationships should go, that has to go for us.

Shanenn Bryant (08:32.962)

This is the chemistry of staying, not chasing. And when people say, the spark is gone, the honeymoon's over, what they're often describing is not loss of love. It's a biological transition from intensity to stability. And a lot of you are probably thinking, but I don't feel calm.

I feel more anxious. This, when that attachment hormone hits, that's when I feel more anxious. And that makes sense. Safety doesn't feel safe to a nervous system that learned love through vigilance. Safety is learned. It's not automatic. So for people without relational trauma, the transition from dopamine to oxytocin feels soothing. They love it.

For people with jealousy, abandonment wounds, or anxious attachment, safety feels like maybe a loss of control. Right? And the nervous system starts to like, okay, now we're in this other heightened state.

Shanenn Bryant (10:00.674)

because your nervous system may be learned early that love equals vigilance, connection equals monitoring things. Calm is like something bad is getting ready to happen. So when the relationship stabilizes, the body doesn't relax, it actually panics. For those of us with these anxious attachment styles.

But it isn't because necessarily that the relationship is unsafe, but because the pattern is unfamiliar. Your nervous system doesn't calm down just because your partner is safe. It calms down when safety starts to feel familiar. Hypervigilance is the body's way of staying connected. It's the...

Shanenn Bryant (10:59.51)

Your brain says, if I stay alert, I won't be blindsided. Right? If I scan for threats, I can protect myself. If I anticipate loss, it's not going to destroy me. I'm not going to be devastated. So when the external drama drops, the nervous system creates internal drama. Like, what if he cheats? What if she doesn't, what if he doesn't reassure me anymore?

Why does this now all of the sudden feel worse? That is the threat detection that hasn't had that off switch yet.

Shanenn Bryant (11:40.696)

So early love in this case didn't actually make you feel secure. It distracted you.

Shanenn Bryant (11:52.972)

Right? So that dopamine is really masking the anxiety that you feel when it comes to maybe love and connection. So early love didn't actually make you secure, it was just distracting you with all of that going on. Dopamine is activating, it keeps your mind busy. So the underlying fear didn't have space to surface during that time. Once the novelty fades though,

The distraction is gone, that old fear pops up. And those of us with jealousy were like, ugh, I'm becoming more insecure. What's really happening? Right? And...

Shanenn Bryant (12:38.515)

that secure person or even as your partner starts to come down out of you know early love lala land

Shanenn Bryant (12:49.666)

They're not doing the same things. And that's why usually jealousy will peak and you really notice that because calm now feels like this like emotional freefall. Like the buffer is no longer there. The buffer of those dopamine hits, of the uncertainty, of the fun of it, now that goes away.

Shanenn Bryant (13:16.68)

And when that happens, some of us, when that happens...

Shanenn Bryant (13:26.618)

And when that happens, especially those who have grown up with chaos and you're used to that, the body may interpret calm like I'm not protected. And we may subconsciously provoke arguments, do reassurance seeking, being suspicious, emotionally testing, like, if they really loved me, they'd be doing this. Let's see if they do this.

Shanenn Bryant (13:57.176)

So if calm feels uncomfortable, it just means that your nervous system potentially learned love through awareness and not safety.

Shanenn Bryant (14:12.28)

So safety for anxious or jealous people isn't created by the relationship. It's created internally through nervous system regulation, through emotional self-trust, being able to self-soothe, setting boundaries. That's why

Shanenn Bryant (14:40.3)

That's why.

That reassurance doesn't last. That's why monitoring doesn't help. just makes us feel more anxious. That's why checking all the time escalates those behaviors. keeps them going. External certainty can't fix that internal hypervigilance.

Shanenn Bryant (15:11.51)

It's just that that early love kept you busy. Dopamine distracted you from your fear. And when that faded and the fear finally had a place to go, the jealousy spiked. And it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the relationship if you see your partner coming back down.

Shanenn Bryant (15:37.982)

We often really experience this where our partner is coming down from that hit and then they're starting to behave normally as a regulated nervous system potentially, or as someone who not has fallen out of love or found someone else or anything has changed except for what is biologically supposed to change for them. Anyway, they have to come down from that a bit.

Shanenn Bryant (16:15.746)

The unfortunate part for us who are jealous and insecure in our relationship. So right at the time they're coming down and they're stopping all of these over the top gestures that they're doing. That's right. When our attachment style is hitting and, and, okay, wait, I don't have that distraction anymore. And they're not doing this. And my hyper vigilance is kicking in. So you're noticing everything. So the relationship feels.

Very, very different. And you start telling the stories. All of those things I talked about in the beginning, like, well, what is it? What's going on? What's happening? Why is this different? They don't care anymore. They don't like me as much. I'm old news now.

And we don't actually take the time to go, wait, this is a good thing. This can be really, really good. This actually might be a positive indicator that my partner is settling into the relationship. They are starting to feel like I'm safety. I'm someone that they can trust. I'm someone to feel secure in.

has nothing to do with all the stories that we tell ourselves.

Shanenn Bryant (17:56.62)

And if you want help,

Shanenn Bryant (18:04.984)

So if jealousy spiked after commitment, it doesn't mean that the relationship is wrong. It means your nervous system is asking to be retrained. And if you want help doing that, I am opening. And if you want help doing that right now, 30 days to different is open. You can register with the link in the show notes. get four foundational courses that you can watch on your own time on demand whenever you want.

Through that 30 days, have 6 live sessions together where I'll join together as a group, I'll train, I'll open it up for coaching. The best part is you can get direct coaching from me or you can just sit back like a fly on the wall and watch other people and listen in as other people get coached. I guarantee you, you will benefit even from

hearing someone else get coached and the community of the 30 days to different, the community of 30 days to different is amazing. It's one of the biggest shifts I think for people. But you will, and you will also during that 30 days have direct access to me. I'm gonna be there holding your hand throughout the 30 days. You're gonna get these amazing morning motivators and these tips and

truly I'll be in your ear for 30 days. Hey, remember to do this. Hey, remember this. Hey, try this. And you're really going to see that taking these micro steps are what actually makes a huge difference. So by that end of the 30 days, you're going to see yourself responding differently. You're going to see yourself thinking. You're going to, you're going to notice that you're thinking differently.

and you're able to calm your nervous system down.

Shanenn Bryant (20:03.672)

So if you are interested in 30 Days to Different, starts February 18th. Go click that link in the show notes now and make sure that you get enrolled. We're gonna have so much. It's so good. It's one of my favorite programs.

Shanenn Bryant (20:34.616)

So if you grew up associating love with intensity, with inconsistencies, with these highs and lows, with having to earn attention, then...

Shanenn Bryant (21:00.288)

then calm doesn't feel romantic. Sometimes calm feels boring. It feels empty. feels like something's missing or something has gone wrong. Your nervous system might be used to cortisol and adrenaline. So when those chemicals drop, your body goes, wait, what, what, is going on? Where's the change?

Where's the proof? What is happening? And that's often when that insecurity creeps up and you start scanning for meeting. He doesn't hold my hand as much. He doesn't compliment me like he used to. He's not romantic or she's not romantic. And instead of seeing those as shifts, you see them as signs. It's like danger signs.

Shanenn Bryant (22:00.922)

And instead of seeing those as shifts, you see them as signs. Danger signs. But emotional security can feel boring when your system is used to chaos. That doesn't mean the relationship is failing. It meant your body is learning a new definition of love or needs to learn a new definition of love.

Shanenn Bryant (22:45.218)

Long-term love doesn't mean that there's something wrong. And this is why I also talk a lot about, you know, when we have these anxious or insecure attachment styles, when we have these insecure attachment styles, a lot of the times the feelings of insecurity and jealousy are so intense. anxiety, that anxiety is so intense and it, feel so shameful about it.

that we wanna end the relationship. Like we will do anything. Sometimes we sabotage the relationship. know sometimes people will go out and cheat to sabotage the relationship that they desperately want.

but we may sabotage the relationship just to not have to feel that way anymore, or we may end the relationship so that we don't have to feel jealous anymore. And I really want you to think about that. There's an episode, I can't remember what number it is. It's not too far back, but I talk about, know, commit to the relationship. Let's give it another 30 or 60 days with different line of thinking.

And I stand by that. see us jump out of relationships far too soon just because we don't want to have to feel those feelings. Now, of course, if there's abuse or if there's physical or mental abuse, I would never want someone to stay in a relationship one more minute, one more, you know, one more day, one more minute. I would never want that. But if it's because

But if you're considering leaving the relationship because you feel jealous and insecure and you don't like the feeling, really like think about this episode and think, wait a second. It is not that the spark is gone. It is not that something has gone wrong in the relationship. My attachment fear is, you know, my, my fears are coming to light. My attachment style is starting to show.

Shanenn Bryant (24:58.22)

And that's it. But it's a normal shift. And I can learn how to fulfill my own needs. So I don't have to constantly get the reassurance from my partner. I don't make it mean something negative about me if they're not holding my hand all the time anymore. Those are the changes that you can make.

Shanenn Bryant (26:02.645)

and

Shanenn Bryant (26:09.102)

Those are the changes you can make because when you dump out of these relationships so fast, you're setting yourself up for the same cycle of never actually getting to that part where you can feel safe. When you can learn, okay, this person does feel secure for me. This person is a safe place for me. If we're constantly jumping out of that, then all we have

To go back to is our experiences that didn't feel like that. The experiences where we weren't safe. And then we started all over. We feel great for the first three or six months in the relationship. And then as we come down from that new love novelty high.

Here comes the jealousy and insecurity again. It just starts all over a different person. So sometimes we jump out of those relationships just a little too quickly.

Shanenn Bryant (27:23.214)

So stop chasing the spark and start chasing inner security. Start chasing self-trust. This is part of why I created 30 days to different. Again, it starts February 18th. It's about changing how you show up inside your relationship. Over those 30 days, we work on regulating your nervous system, rebuilding emotional.

safety from the inside out. literally hit on this. And learn how to ask for what you need without the panic, without the self-abandonment, without the 50 questions to your partner. Because when you change the way you relate to yourself, your relationship changes. You can find all the details in the link below and if this episode helped you,

breathe a little bit easier, share it with someone who needs permission to believe that calm love is okay. It is okay if they're not holding your hand anymore. It's just real. Until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.