What If Your "What Ifs" Were Wrong EP 133

[00:00:00] What if the story you've been telling yourself, the one that keeps you up at night, the one that has you checking their phone, or their Instagram or their location, what if that story is wrong? Welcome to Top Self, the podcast that helps you manage jealousy and insecurity in your relationship. I'm Shanenn Bryant, and today we're going straight to the thing that jealousy and insecurity do best.

They make stuff up and then they convince you it's the truth. What if the story you've been telling yourself, the one that keeps you up at night, the one that has you checking their phone or Instagram or their location, what if that story is wrong? Welcome to Top Self, the podcast that helps you manage jealousy and insecurity in your relationship.

I'm Shanenn Bryant, and today we are going straight to the [00:01:00] thing that jealousy and insecurity do best. They make stuff up and then they convince you it's the truth. The question of today's episode is what if your what ifs were wrong? My goal is to genuinely get you to sit with that question, not as a way to gaslight yourself, not as a way to dismiss any real red flags, but as a real honest examination of whether the what ifs running your relationship are actually true, or whether they're just the story your scared brain defaults to.

Okay, so I want you to think about the last time jealousy or insecurity kicked in for you. Maybe your partner didn't text you back for a few hours. Maybe they laughed a little too hard at something their coworker said, maybe they mentioned an X just in passing, and suddenly your brain is [00:02:00] off to the races.

And what does your brain do? It starts asking What if? What if they're losing interest in me? What if they think that person is more attractive? What if they're comparing me to their ex right now? What if they're not where they said they'd be? What if this whole thing is about to fall apart? Here's what I want you to notice.

Your brain doesn't ask. What if everything is completely fine? It doesn't ask, what if they just got busy or what if they genuinely find me attractive and just had a long day and that's why they're feeling a little distant. No, it went straight to worst case scenario. We're really good at that every single time.

That is not an accident. This is your brain doing [00:03:00] exactly what it was designed to do. Protect you. We've talked about this so many times. Your nervous system is not trying to ruin your relationship. It's trying to keep you safe. The problem is it's using old data; it's using old habits. It's running a program that was written a long time ago, usually before this relationship that you're in now even existed, and it is absolutely convinced that program is still accurate.

So, this is what I call the what if machine. And once it turns on, it doesn't just ask one question, it asks a thousand and each one feels more real than the last. Each one gets a little more specific, a little more detailed, a little more certain. It feels like, oh, this is really happening. You go from, they didn't text you back to, uh, they're definitely with someone else.

I just know it. [00:04:00] And it can do it in four minutes flat. And by the time they text you back, you are already planning the breakup conversation in your head. Like you've already had the entire conversation of why this isn't good for you and how do you get out and well, I've been fooled again. Sound familiar.

I'm not, you know, poking fun at you. I have been there. I can remember doing this exact thing and having an entire conversation. Most people who struggle with jealousy and insecurity have been there too. And what I wanna offer you today is not just stop doing that. Because if you could just stop, you would've stopped already.

I know that. What I wanna offer you is a different question to ask before that. What if machine takes over? And that question is, what if my what ifs were wrong? Not like, oh, I'm sure it's nothing but a genuine [00:05:00] curious pause, a moment where you go, okay, wait. Am I building a case based on evidence? Or am I building a case based on fear?

Because those are two very different things and most of the time, for most of us, it's fear. And I know you know that logically, and I'm not even talking about when you're completely triggered, you're at 100, but there are these. Majority of the time, and maybe I'll dig into that a little bit more where you're not on a full on triggered, but this could be just a random Tuesday morning, you wake up and you're like, Hmm.

You start down the spiral; you start this whole what if machine? It's like, oh, I flipped the switch to my what if machine, and it's, it's on and it's going. These are the moments that I'm talking about where you still have, you know, it's not that full trigger. It's not that full wave of chemicals that [00:06:00] are rushing through your body when you're triggered.

You actually have your logical brain still online at this time. Those are the moments that I'm talking about. It's the what ifs that we go through during those times. I'm talking about that nagging spiral that you just do. I remember waking up like that. Nothing happened. I just woke up and my What if machine was totally on?

I remember doing that. I remember waking up and for no reason, brushing my teeth. Nothing's happened, but my what if machine is on? And so here are, here's the thing about the stories your brain tells you, they didn't come out of nowhere. Yes. It feels like that when you're brushing your teeth and like all of these things are running through your mind, they didn't come from nowhere.

The what ifs you carry in your relationship right now. They were written somewhere by someone at some point. [00:07:00] And it probably wasn't by your current partner. Think about the first experience where you felt unsafe in a relationship. Maybe it was a parent who was unpredictable. You never knew if they'd be warm or cold present, or if they're checked out.

Maybe it was your first love who actually did cheat on you, or who actually did leave without warning, and you still don't know why. Maybe it was a friendship that ended badly. Maybe it was just a thousand small moments of feeling like you weren't quite enough. You weren't quite lovable; you weren't quite worth staying for.

Whatever it is, your brain took notes, and it built a prediction model. Your brain is actually incredible at pattern recognition. That's actually a feature of your brain. The problem is that when it comes to emotional safety, [00:08:00] your brain doesn't just recognize patterns. It actually projects them. It takes, what happened then, and it applies it to the now, even when the situation is completely different, even if there's like one sliver thing.

So, when your partner doesn't text back, your brain isn't just thinking, Hmm, no text. Your brain is like flipping through its entire archive of every time silence. Meant danger. Every time someone pulled away, every time the quiet before the storm was actually a storm and it goes, yep, same thing. Bracer.

Brace him. Brace yourself. That's what it does. Then starts the what if machine it kicks on. It's in action. It's not lying to be cruel. It genuinely believes it's protecting you. It's doing threat [00:09:00] assessment based on everything it's ever learned about what love and loss look like. But here's the problem.

Your brain learned those lessons in in a different context with different people when you had fewer tools, fewer resources, less self-assurance. And it hasn't automatically updated. That doesn't happen just because you grew up, and you found a new person. No, we have to retrain it. So, the what ifs you're running right now, a lot of them aren't really about your partner.

They're about every person or event that came before. They're about a version of you that needed to stay on guard. They're about experiences that were real and painful and that genuinely taught you something, but that something doesn't necessarily apply here in your current [00:10:00] relationship. So, I want you to get honest with yourself for a second.

When the, what if machine turns on when you spiral into what if they're losing interest or what if they think someone else is better than me? Where does that fear actually come from? Is it coming from something your current partner is doing, or is it coming from something much older than this relationship?

Because those are two very different problems with two very different solutions. If it's coming from something your partner is actually doing consistent patterns, real behaviors, genuine red flags. That's important information and we'll, we'll talk about that too. But if you are being real with yourself, and a lot of this is coming from old stuff, from the archive, from the pattern recognition that's running that old data, [00:11:00] then the question becomes, what would it look like?

To upgrade that program to update my machine, what would it look like to ask even just once, what if my what ifs were wrong? So, when ask you something that might sting a little and I need you to stay with me, what if part of you wants your what ifs to be right? I know, I know, I know, I know. Stay with me.

Here's the thing about insecurity and jealousy. They are exhausting. They are painful. Nobody enjoys being in that spiral. But there is something like seductive about being right, about having your fears confirmed, because at least if you are right, you're not crazy. At [00:12:00] least if you're right, the thing that you were afraid of was real, and that means you were being smart.

You weren't being paranoid. You're smart. There's a strange kind of safety in catastrophizing, right? If you expect the worst, you never blindsided. If you're already prepared for them to leave, it's not going to hurt as much. If they do, if you're already. In your mind, ending the relationship or in your head a ton of times have done that, at least you'll be ready.

Except you know your logical brain knows. Preparing for the worst doesn't actually protect you from the pain. It just means you experience the loss twice. If you have drifted, come back because this is so important. If you are always preparing for the worst. You're actually experiencing that, that loss, that [00:13:00] pain twice, once in your head, in the spiral, at night, at 2:00 AM and once in real life, if it actually happens.

And the really costly part. Is all that preparation, all that bracing, all of that like preemptive grief that you're doing. It doesn't just live in your head. It bleeds into the relationship that you're in. When you are convinced something terrible is coming, you start acting like it's already here. I know you have done that.

Sometimes you'll just shut down and not speak to them. You get quiet when they come home. Instead of connected, you pull away. Before they pull away from you, you ask questions that are really accusations with a question mark on the end. Like, you know what you're doing? You test them, you push them, you create distance, and then you panic about the distance you created.

I mean, years [00:14:00] ago, I remember purposefully being mean to my partner. Just in case. Just in case my what ifs from my what IFS machine, just in case they were right and then feeling so terrible that, oh my gosh, now I've created this whole other situation. When I had an opportunity to connect with my partner and be, be nice and kind, I chose not to be with no evidence.

Just my what if machine turning on and serving me up all these stories, and then this behavior starts to create the very dynamic that you were afraid of. They feel like they can't do anything, right? They feel like they're always under suspicion. They start walking on eggshells. They pull back a little because the atmosphere at home feels [00:15:00] tense.

You see them pull back and you go, see, I knew it my what if must have been right? But you don't see that you created the conditions for the very outcome you feared. One of the things I've learned most about jealousy and insecurity is that the behaviors that feel protective in the moment are often the ones that are doing the most damage.

They all start with what if? What if they're losing interest? You become anxious and clingy. They feel suffocated. They pull back. You feel your fear was confirmed. What if they find someone else more attractive? You become hypervigilant and suspicious. They feel accused and resentful. They get distant. You feel your fear confirmed.

The what if machine doesn't just predict the future? If you let it run [00:16:00] long enough, it starts to create it. So, the question isn't just what if my, what if were wrong? The question is also, what is the cost of living? Like my what ifs are, right? Because you're paying the cost every single day, whether the fear ever materializes or not.

All right, we've spent a lot of time on the problem. Let's talk about what to actually do. But I am not here to tell you that everything is fine, and you should just relax. Some situations have genuine red flags; some fears have real evidence behind them. Knowing the difference is important. So, here's a framework that I want you to start using.

When the What if machine turns on? I call it the evidence check. So, there are five steps to the evidence. Check, step one, name the what If, don't let it run [00:17:00] vaguely in the background. Pull it out into the light, say it out loud, or write it down. I'm afraid they're losing interest in me, or I'm afraid they're attracted to their coworker.

Whatever it is, name it specifically, it's best to write it out. Vague fear is the most powerful kind. Once you name it, it gets smaller. It stops being this massive like threatening cloud, and it becomes a specific examinable thought. So, step two, ask what is the actual evidence? I mean evidence, not feelings, not interpretations, not, oh, I just have this feeling, this vibe.

Actual observable, specific behaviors. Did they say something? Do something? Is there a pattern over time? Not [00:18:00] just one instance. Would another person looking at this same information come to the same conclusion? This is also where you can pull in power of one right ONE, open to new evidence, explanations.

And this step is hard because when we're scared, our brain is very good at presenting interpretations as facts. They were on their phone a lot last night is an observation. They were texting someone they're interested in is an interpretation. So, you have to know the difference. All right, so step three, ask, what are all the possible explanations?

So, this is when you can really bring in the power of one ONE, open to new explanations, evidence. This is the step. Jealousy skips. It goes straight from, they didn't text back to, oh, they're done with me. It doesn't [00:19:00] stop to consider. They're in a meeting. Their phone died. They got pulled into a conversation with a coworker.

They're having a hard day. That's it. Your brain in fear mode treats the worst-case explanation, like it's the only explanation. So, your job in this step is to forcibly expand that list. Write down five other possible explanations for the thing that you're reacting to. Not to dismiss your fear, but to remind your nervous system that there are other options.

That the data is genuinely ambiguous at this, at this moment. All right, so step four, ask, which explanation am I choosing and why? And this is the most important question because here's the truth. In the absence of clear evidence, you're choosing [00:20:00] an explanation and. If you consistently choose the scariest one, that's not logic.

That's a fear driving. Why do you tend to choose the worst case? What does that protect you from? What does it cost you? And this is the flip. What would it mean for you if everything were actually fine? Sometimes the scariest thing, isn't the relationship falling apart? Sometimes The scariest thing is letting yourself fully trust it, fully relax into it, fully believe you're loved.

Because if you let yourself believe it and you're wrong, that's a fall from a much higher place. So sometimes the what if machine isn't protecting you from your partner, it's actually not protecting you from your partner. It's protecting you from hope. And then [00:21:00] finally, step five, choose a different what if not a fake one.

Not that, oh, everything is perfect and don't make stuff up that your brain's not going to believe, but a reasonable one. What if they're just busy? What if they're just having a hard day and it has nothing to do with me? What if they find me attractive and are also capable of noticing other attractive people without it being a threat?

What if their relationship with their ex is genuinely in the past? What if I am loved and I am allowed to feel that these aren't naive? They're not denial. They're just equally possible, so come back to me. Equally possible and a whole lot less destructive to live inside of. You don't have to think of it [00:22:00] as these are other possibilities that are only positive, and I can only come up with positive things.

There's not positive or negative. Don't think about it this way. They're just equally. As equally possible. It's not, you don't have to think positive thoughts, it's just this could also be true. All of these are equally possible. So, when you make your list and you come up with all the things that it could be, and you do throw, throw ones in there that aren't relationship ending, don't think of it as like, oh, I'm trying to trick myself.

They're equally as possible. Okay, so now, um, what about the real red flags? I promised that I'd come back to this because some of you right now are thinking, okay, Shanenn, what if my fear is based on real stuff? What if my partner is doing things that are sketchy? What if I'm not just spiraling? What if I'm actually [00:23:00] right?

That's a fair question, an important one, because the goal here isn't to just talk you out of, you know your instincts. The goal is to help you tell the difference between fear-based thinking and information-based thinking. Fear-based thinking tends to be vague. It's usually really extreme and it's kind of global.

It feels very global. They're gonna leave me, they don't really love me. I'm always gonna be left. I always get left. It's usually about a catastrophic future. It's disproportionate to the actual trigger, the actual thing that happened. And when you examine the evidence closely, it's really thin. Like I don't really have a lot of evidence here.

Information-based thinking is very specific. It's behavioral and it's in the present tense. They've lied to me about [00:24:00] where they've been three times this month. They deleted messages when I walked into the room. They've pulled back in ways that are consistent and unexplained. It's grounded in actual observed behavior, not interpretation.

And if you wanna learn more about how to tell the difference between, um, fear and intuition, because this is really important because we get messed up on this all the time. If you go all the way back to episode eight with Ashley Greer and the title of that is something like, is this my Fear or Intuition?

She gives a really great definition of the two and how they even feel different, and then even some practices that you can do to figure out and feel the difference of, oh, okay, this is fear, and this is actual intuition. So go back, listen to episode eight. It's it's fantastic [00:25:00] episode. But if you do the evidence, check and you come up with real specific observable patterns, that's not the what if machine that's your gut picking up on real information.

And in that case, the work isn't to challenge the fear, the work is to address what you found. That might mean a direct conversation with your partner. It might mean getting support from a coach or a therapist to kind of help you through it, and what do you wanna do? It might mean making a decision about the relationship, but even in those situations, how you approach it matters enormously.

If you come in from a place of panic and accumulated resentment. You're gonna get defensive, unproductive conversation, and more than that, you're probably gonna second guess yourself because you knew you were feeling strong emotion at the time. If you come in [00:26:00] grounded, clear, specific, you have a chance of actually resolving something or feeling better about the decision that you make.

The evidence check isn't just for false alarms. It's useful when something is genuinely wrong because it helps you to show up to that conversation with clarity instead of all that chaos. So, I wanna paint a picture for you of what it looks like when you start catching the What if machine before it takes over.

It doesn't mean that you're never going to feel jealous. It doesn't mean insecurity never shows up. You're human. These feelings are going to come up, but instead of the feeling running the show, running your relationship, you start to have a relationship with the feeling. You notice it, you name it. You ask where it's coming from, and then you decide how to respond [00:27:00] instead of just reacting.

That gap. That gap between, right, the trigger, the feeling, and your response or your reaction, that is where all the magic and change lives. You stop creating the distance that you're afraid of. You stop testing, you stop pushing. You stop asking questions that are more designed to like trap them. You stop building cases in your head at 2:00 AM or in the shower, or it's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning.

And here's what happens in the relationship when you do that. Space opens up. The person you love gets to breathe. They get to make mistakes without feeling treated like proof of your worst fears. They get to be human. They get to be in a relationship that's actually present, that's in the moment, not constantly fighting Ghost from your past.[00:28:00] 

I've seen this shift happen. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes practice and sometimes support and a lot of compassion for yourself when you do mess up and you spiral anyway, but it starts with that one question. That's a good place to go in one moment when that, what if machine fires up and you pause just for a second and you ask, what if my, what if were wrong?

What would that change? What would open up? What would be possible? That's the question I want you to carry with you. So, one thing to do this week is the next time your What if machine turns on before you react, write down the what if, write it out. All of those. What if he's doing this? What if she's doing this?

What if she feels like this? Then write down some of those other equally [00:29:00] possible explanations. Just pull it out of the fog and look at it because you can't work with what you can't see. 

And speaking of seeing things, make sure you have actually hit subscribe to this channel, so you never miss seeing a new episode. All right, that is a wrap for today's episode. If this resonated with you, please feel free to share it with someone who needs to hear it or leave a review. That helps this podcast grow, and I genuinely appreciate it.

Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.