What Does It Mean If Your Partner Flirts EP 121

Welcome back to the Top Self Podcast, where we help you become the most confident, secure version of yourself. I am your host Jealous girl, myself, Shanenn Bryant, and today we're diving into something that probably has kept you up at night. That's that sinking feeling when you see your partner flirting with someone else.

Dun, dun, dun. Um, okay, so let's just paint the scenario here for just a second. Let's say you all are out somewhere. And you watch your partner maybe laugh just a little too hard at someone else's joke, or maybe they, someone touches their arm during a conversation, or maybe they hold eye contact for what feels like forever to you.

And instantly I know what happens. Your mind starts to totally race. Do they? Do they find this person more attractive than me? Are they losing interest? Am I not enough? And maybe get that disgusted feeling of like, ugh, I don't like that they're getting this attention from someone else. That they're like feeling this sexual energy from someone else.

If that sounds familiar, you are not alone. 'Cause there are millions of men and women. Who experienced this exact panic immediately, assuming that any flirting means sexual interest, relationship dissatisfaction, or even worse that they're gonna be replaced. Like that's just where the mind goes. But we know that this fear is creating toxic relationship patterns that could destroy that very thing that you're trying to protect.

Trust me. I used to hate hearing that because I would think, yeah, no kidding. I know that. I know that this is not good for my relationship, but I just can't stop thinking this way. So, you continue to monitor your partner's. Every interaction, get upset if they're flirting, if it looks like they're flirting.

If you even think for a second, maybe even not directly, but. Maybe by your comments or some other way, you start restricting their social life, building these really high walls for them of resentment. And while you're busy playing relationship police, you're forgetting to enjoy your relationship. And okay, maybe you're not forgetting.

I, I don't think it's forgetting. It's like, I don't know how, I just can't enjoy it because I keep thinking these things. The worst part is you're fighting this battle based on completely wrong information. So, I wanted to go in and do the research like, what the hell does it mean when my partner's flirting?

What if I told you that their scientific research showing that most flirting has absolutely nothing to do with wanting someone else? What if you could feel secure and confident when your partner receives attention from others? Understanding that flirting is often misunderstood. It serves multiple harmless purposes and rarely threatens your relationship.

Rarely is it something that's threatening the bond. And I know I get it. It's gonna take a lot to get you there to feel comfortable with this, but I did so much research on this and I wanna just, I want you to agree that you're gonna be open-minded and listen with the intent of possibly gaining a little bit new perspective on this.

You know, I always talk about the power of one ONE, open to new explanations, examples, evidence. This is the time to practice. Okay? Because it's new evidence. It's, it's, um, I was very interested on the topic, and I did a ton of research. So, let's talk about what the science actually says. 'Cause I think the facts are gonna surprise you.

They might. First there was some, uh, researchers at Northern Illinois University, and they identified six main reasons that people flirt. And the kicker is only one of them actually has to do with sex. That's right. You heard it here. Only one of the six motivations for flirting involves sexual interest.

The other five, it's fun. Relationship development, exploration, esteem boost, and instrumental purposes, like getting better service. We're gonna talk about all of these. Um, 'cause there are a couple that I know you're already in your head about them and are equating them to sex and saying, well, that's just as bad.

Like if they're getting a steam boost, to me, that's just as bad. Or I don't like that. Uh, like, I don't like that one either. So, I just, I wanted to go a little bit deeper on a couple of these that still might Trico cord with you and it, they came up as questions for me too. So that first one is relationship development because I was like, well wait, um, if my person is flirting 'cause they're trying to develop a relationship.

Yeah, that's a problem. But this is when people will use flirting to signal that desire to increase the intimacy. So, for instance, maybe they're friends, like they've been friends for a while, and then one of them's gonna start maybe flirting a little bit to let the other one know that, Hey, there's some interest here.

Um, there's interest in developing this relationship into something more intimate. Just know this is about deepening an existing relationship, not starting a new one. Okay. So, and I, I can already hear you like, oh, well, okay. Yeah. They already have this relationship with the girl or the guy at work, and so if they're flirting, that's the signal to deepen it.

It really is typically not done with someone. Who's already basically taken, so for instance, in the example that I gave, if you all are out and about and there's someone that neither of you know necessarily, or someone that they just met and she or he starts flirting with your partner or your partner's flirting with them, it's most likely not like they're not signaling that they want a deeper sexual relationship with this person.

So, think of it like this. When your partner is already in a relationship, this motivation doesn't apply to flirting with others. It would only apply if they're, if they were flirting with you to strengthen your bond. And sometimes that happens with people in relationship, right? When you're still kind of flirting with each other.

Um. Another one is the exploration one. And what they're saying is this is usually done by single people, not people in a relationship. And that it's very similar to, um, similar to the relationship development, except this is a single person trying to figure out if someone else is interested. And so, when someone else is already in a committed relationship, they're not in exploration mode because they're not looking to start something new.

I, I, it's almost like I can hear you. I know your brain is going, okay, but what if my partner is doing that? That's like, what the problem is that I'm believing this, so I'm trying to tell you, use the research to help you make the choice of, I'm not going to it that way. That I'm not going to think that just because there may be some flirtation that that means that my partner is trying to see if somebody else is interested in them.

In them, because research shows people in relationship don't use flirting in this way most of the time. This is typically used by single people. Just trying to figure out if someone else is interested. I know your whole thing is looking for signs to see if they're wanting to try something new, and you might consider seeing them flirt with someone else as this, but this is really when jealousy and getting to a secure place comes down to choice.

If you, in your heart of hearts. Really don't feel like your partner is out on the town looking for someone else and cheating on you. Then you have to take this knowledge and let it guide you that this relationship exploration reason for flirting is not why your partner is flirting. Even if, and if they really even are flirting, because we know our particular activating system likes to show us things that we're already thinking.

So even like, they may not even be flirting, but if they were flirting and you, or you assume that they're flirting, you take it as flirting. Just know they're not doing it to explore anything. It's not a, it's not sexual in nature. And you know, if you want the magic pill, you want the exact answer. How to manage your jealousy.

It's that it's choice. You have to decide that you are going to use the information that that's here and your gut that's telling you that it, this is most likely harmless. And trust yourself, not them, not your partner. Trust yourself. That it's okay that this is not a threat to your relationship. This is our whole problem, right?

Is not about trusting them, it's really about trusting yourself. You know what you feel in your heart of hearts, but then you question it and drum up all kinds of this madness. I know it. I have been there. Sometimes I still go there. But you have to make a choice in these moments with the information that you have plus your gut, which is why I wanted to share this information with you.

I wanted you to at least have a perspective that not all flirting means that my partner is signaling to this person or wanting to sleep with them, or so overly attracted to this person. The bottom line. It's most likely not about sex. Now, the other one that I think you probably may have, um, issue with, or at least might baulk at initially, is the esteem boost.

So, the research has shown that both men and women sometimes engage in flirting behaviors to reinforce feelings about their own appeal to others. And when someone else responds to our flirting. It's an indication that he or she finds us attractive or charismatic. This can reinforce a person's self-image or their self-esteem.

So, the key point for this one, and this is, this is the critical reframe here. Yes, your partner might get an ego boost from someone finding them charming or someone finding them attractive. Here's what you need to understand. Everyone. Everyone, including you, needs validation from multiple sources. You cannot be the only person who ever makes your partner feel good about themselves.

It's impossible. It's an impossible burden, and it just doesn't work that way. A confident partner is a better partner for sure. When your partner feels good about themselves, they bring that positive energy home to you. The threat that you fear isn't real. You know, the fear is if the other, if the other people want them.

Then they're gonna leave me. Like, I don't want people, I don't want them getting an ego boost from other people. I don't want other people to see them attractive because if they do, they're gonna leave me. But the research shows that people in happy relationships who get occasional external validation actually feel better about their relationship.

Not worse, it's not doing what you think it's doing. It reminds them that they're desirable, which makes them appreciate that you choose them and continue to choose them. It's about feeling attractive, not being attracted. There's a huge difference between, it feels good to know I still got it and I wanna pursue this person.

Here's an analogy that you can think about. It's like. When you get dressed up and someone compliments your outfit, does that compliment make you like, oh, I wanna leave my partner for this person? No. It makes you feel good, and you probably go home feeling more confident, more attractive, which benefits your relationship, but it gets even better.

Studies from the University of Kansas show that people are absolutely terrible at detecting flirting accurately. I was so shocked by this because I feel like I'm a pretty good, like if somebody was flirting with me, I feel like I would know men correctly identify flirting only 36% of the time, and women just 18%.

That just blew my mind. That means. We're misunderstanding or misinterpreting flirting 82% of the time. Either way, whatever it is, there's misinterpretation about flirting 82% of the time. Enjoying a bit of flirting is absolutely healthy even when you are in a committed relationship. This lighthearted flirtation is both harmless and enjoyable.

Many people flirt simply to make others feel good. Or liven up a conversation without any romantic intentions whatsoever. Now I know, again, I feel like I can read your mind. So, as I was doing this research, I had this question come up. 'Cause I was trying to think what would, what would you think about what I was saying?

And so you might be saying like, well, wait a minute. If only one of the six reasons is about sex, then why do we. Seem to only flirt with people we find attractive. Because I thought this too, I literally asked myself this same question and at first, I was like, yeah, I definitely like if I flirted, it's been with somebody that I found attractive.

Like I wouldn't typically flirt with somebody that I didn't think was attractive. But then like I thought about, thought about, thought about it, and I realized that wasn't actually true. And so let me give, let me give you the perfect example. Now, this isn't me, my husband, he, he is a gem at this. Um, you know, one of the six was for better services.

My husband has done this more than once, full on flirted with the girl at Lowe's, at the paint counter to get a discount on paint, like full on, intentionally flirted with her just to get the discount. Was he attracted to her? Absolutely not. But was she someone that was pleasant enough, you know, pleasant enough to engage with socially?

Sure. Did his charm work? Yeah. Yeah. Bet it sure did. This is totally harmless. It would. I want to, you know, be standing there next to him while he did it. Probably not. No. But is this something to get upset about? No. It's more nuanced than you think. There's a huge difference between attraction and finding someone attractive enough to engage with socially.

And it really came to that, like when I started to think about, oh, if I flirted, I wasn't necessarily attracted to that person. Like I wasn't flirting with them because I wanted to sleep with 'em. But I found them maybe attractive enough to engage with socially. Period. That's it. This mild attraction often does play a role, but there's a massive difference between this person is pleasant to interact with and I wanna leave my relationship for this person.

Most flirting happens in that safe middle ground where someone is engaging enough to chat with, but nowhere near threatening your relationship. And just because someone is more attractive than another person doesn't mean that the reason for flirting changes. If your, here's the kicker. Let's just say if your partner only flirted with people that they truly wanted to pursue, well then yeah, you might have a reason to worry. 

Again, I just, it goes back to your gut. Do you believe in your heart of hearts that your person is flirting with that other person with the intent of saying, hey, just so you know, I really like you and I wanna have sex with you, like, I would leave my partner right now If you said yes,

you have to think about that because there are five other reasons that they might be flirting with that person. None of them are harmful to your relationship. None of them are threatening to your relationship, and a few even helpful. I can already hear you say, you know, okay, I get that it's mostly harmless, but I still have negative feelings about the thought of my partner getting any kind of boost from someone else.

You know, even if it's just confidence or for fun, why can't they get that from me? And those feelings. Sure, they're valid. I'm not here to tell you that you shouldn't feel anything when your partner's charming someone else or flirting with someone else. That would be, you know, like telling you not to feel hungry if you smell pizza.

I get that, but. Here's what I want you to consider when your partner gets a little confidence boost from a harmless interaction. We already talked about it, about like they're bringing that energy home to you. I really challenge you to, and I had to do this like when I was doing the research from the, for this, I know where all your, I know where you are.

Questioning. I know that because I thought about it too. I was like, well, I don't love like, oh, bringing it home to me, ick. I don't want that. I don't want something from someone else. We have to understand though, it's not like they're bringing that person. It's the [00:21:00] energy. It's the way that they feel.

That's the part like, oh, I feel good about myself. And if you can think about it. From your own perspective, if you're getting a compliment from somebody else, it doesn't mean that, oh, I wanna leave my partner and I wanna go pursue this. It just, it makes you feel good. And the truth is, we can't be everything to our partners all the time.

We can't be their only source of validation, of humor, of intellectual stimulation and conversation or confidence. We cannot be that. As much as I know, we wanna feel like, no, I wanna be the only one. It doesn't feel good to me to have somebody else who is, um, you know, making my husband laugh. I remember this.

So, um. I can't give too much of this scenario 'cause people will know where it's from. But my husband and I were meeting this person, um, and they had an accent, but they were like in their seventies. Okay. I actually, there was a point because she was. So, freaking funny and her accent made her even funnier.

And just the quirky like ways that she said stuff. I started to feel myself get jealous. And this was when, back when, you know, I think I was still in my, you know, very early, early forties and this person was in their seventies and I was thinking, I am getting jealous of this person. You know, I'm not saying that.

Somebody in their seventies can never be threatening because they're gorgeous, beautiful people in their seventies. But the gap was just so big at that time. But I remember thinking, ah, I didn't like the fact that some other woman was making my husband laugh as much as it was as he was. And so, I had to really like take a few minutes to go, okay, seriously, it's okay.

It's okay if. Somebody else is funny. Like you are not the only one that can make him laugh, nor should I be the only person to make him laugh. And I know that's a kind of a hard one to. To think about and that's, you know, where maybe some of the work is. So, um, I challenge you to be a little bit open about and maybe do the power of one exercise, right?

What does it mean? Um, what does it mean if they find humor with somebody else or they find somebody else like really interesting or whatever it is. I challenge you to, um, think through that and like, can this be okay? And it can be, it should be, we cannot be everything for our partner all the time. And it's not failure on your part, it doesn't mean anything about the relationship that's just, it's just humanly impossible and frankly.

It would be exhausting for both of you. And part of why this is probably exhausting for both of you because you want to be the only source of like making them feel good and, you know, getting any, um, ego boost from and it's impossible. So, it then that brings the challenges when your partner gets small social boosts from other people, it actually takes pressure off of you.

To be their entire world and a confident, socially engaged partner is usually a better partner at home. Your security doesn't have to come from being your partner's only source of good feelings. Your security comes from knowing that no matter who else makes them laugh. Or gives them a moment of validation, you are the one that they choose to come home to every single day.

The one last thing I wanted to touch on is going back to this whole like, oh, they're bringing this energy home to me, and then they're gonna fantasize about this other person. Because I know that that's what you're worried about. I know that that's why when I say they're bringing this good energy home to you, you get this like, Ugh, dirty, yuck.

Feeling like, no, thank you. I don't want that feeling. Here is the kicker. 97% of people have sexual fantasies anyway. According to Dr. Justin Lay Miller's landmark study, uh, by the Kinsey Institute, if your partner was going to fantasize, they were going to do it, whether they flirted that day or not. The flirting didn't create the fantasy.

It's just normal human sexuality. And before you get all freaked out thinking, oh my God, my partner is fantasizing all the time. When I say 97% of people have sexual fantasies, I don't want you thinking that your partner's walking around with a dirty mind 24/ 7. Um, so I wanted to research that. Like what does it show?

45% of teenage males report fantasies several times a day. I would've thought it would've been more, but it drops dramatically as men get older. Women actually peak in sexual thoughts between the ages of 27 and 45, and even then, we're talking about occasional fantasies, not constant ones. I want you to keep in mind.

The key word here is occasional. These aren't obsessive relationship threatening thoughts. They are normal, healthy human sexuality that happens whether your partner flirted or not. Whether that person flirted with your partner, whether your partner flirted with them, doesn't matter. The little confidence boost from harmless flirting is a way more likely to make them more present and more engaged with you than distracted by someone else.

So, I really want you to take this with you. Just begin even if you're not a hundred percent convinced today, that's fine. Can you take little pieces of this and try to incorporate it in your thoughts? When you think about your husband flirting or your wife flirting, or your boyfriend flirting, or your girlfriend or whoever it is, can you take these little pieces and try to incorporate them intentionally into your thoughts?

Can you do power one? Like, okay, what else could it be? It could be. Five other possibilities of why they're flirting other than sex, and it doesn't mean as a threat to your relationship. So instead of spiraling into jealousy, try to take a deep breath. What if you trusted your partner's choice to be with you?

They chose you. They continue to choose you every single. Today, bottom line is most flirting is completely harmless social behavior and has nothing to do with your partner's feelings for you. Your fear is most likely based on misreading the situation entirely. You deserve to feel secure in your relationship and that security comes from understanding the reality, not this.

Horror movie that your anxious mind creates. Okay, well that's all for today's episode. I hope you take these pieces and just try to think about them. Just open your mind a little bit, let them seep in just a little bit. Until next time, take care. And remember, you're not alone. I.