This Is Why Your Partner Is Not Meeting Your Needs EP 119

Hey, you. Welcome back to Top Self. I am Shanenn Bryant, former jealous girl, and I say former very loosely because the truth is. Insecurity and jealousy still pop up for me now and then the difference is now I know a lot better how to manage it.

It doesn't run my relationships anymore. It's not like the main thing that's constant every day, showing up in every scenario and every day of my life. It is not that way anymore. I do very well. I feel like managing my spiral in comparison to how I used to, and. Having me say things that I regret saying, and that's why I do this podcast because I want you to feel that same relief, that same freedom, because I know it's hard.

And you know, let me guess. You've had these moments 

where you needed something from your partner, but you didn't say it out loud instead. You hoped they just, no. You hoped that they would just get it, and when they didn't, you felt that pit in your stomach like, Ugh. Do they even care if they loved me? Wouldn't they just get it? I cannot tell you how many times I've said that well, if you loved me, you just would, or you would just.

If you loved me, you would fill in the blanks and I hear it all the time in one-on-one and group coaching, if you loved me, if they loved me, they would do this. If they loved me, they would just get it. I don't understand how they don't understand. This is what. I need or should be done, or why wouldn't they just do it this way?

We all expect that our partner should react, should have the same thoughts, should understand they should get us. And your spiral starts, and you stew, and you overthink, and maybe you even get passive aggressive. Maybe you snap and your partner is really left confused.

They thought everything was fine or they didn't get it, and now your hurt, they're defensive and neither of you actually feels understood. Sound familiar. Imagine if instead you could clearly say, here's what I need right now, without fear, without your shame, spiral and without worrying that you're being too much imagine actually being heard. and your partner, knowing exactly what to do to show up for you. That's what healthy confident relationships look like. Wouldn't that be great? and that's exactly what we're diving in today.

How to stop waiting for your partner to read your mind, why it feels so hard to just ask. how your attachment style plays into this, and the tips to get clear on your needs before you even open your mouth. Because trust me, clarity whispers louder than yelling or hint dropping ever will.

If you can be clear, you don't have to yell. If you are clear and you've got clarity, you don't have to play this whole game and spiral out of control and do all the hint dropping. You don't have to do it. So, first things first. Your partner, they're not a psychic. If they were, they probably used their superpowers for like something different.

Win the lottery versus like, oh, I was supposed to guess what he or she needed. I was supposed to guess that they needed a hug. The whole idea of if they loved me, they just know is such a, a deductive belief. It feels romantic. The kind that we see in movies. You know the partner who knows just exactly what you want without saying a word, they can read your mind.

They're thinking about you all the time. They're 10 steps ahead of you with exactly what you needed when you came home from work. They had it all set up. OMG Stop. That is not real life. We see that stuff all the time, but, and I'm not saying that that can't happen, but it isn't real life. That is not typically how things go.

And the truth is, your partner's brain is full of their own needs, their own stresses, their own to-do list, their own childhood wiring and their own, all the other stuff, the TikTok that they just scrolled on the uh, whatever, everything else that goes with it. They have all of their own stuff. They're not automatically tuned into the exact thing that you need in the exact moment you need it unless you tell them and when you don't.

I. You set both of you up for failure. I think this plays such a huge role in relationships and if we could get this one thing I'm telling you, it would change your relationship. So, if we zoom in on how our attachment style kind of messes with us here, if you are anxious attachment, and by the way, if you don't know your attachment style, you can.

Go to top self.com. You can download the attachment style quiz, or you can just go to the show notes. Make it easy. Just scroll down to the show notes and click on the attachment style quiz there. Make it easy, but if you are anxious attachment, this is the. Drop hints and hope they pick it up.

That's probably you. If you're anxious, you'll say something like, oh wow, it's been such a long day. You know, I've had such a hard time. I've had oh, things. I'm so stressed. You're waiting for your partner to swoop in like a knight in shining armor or whatever the female version is, and like, oh babe, I'm going to let me take care of you.

Let me make everything better. And when they don't, the spiral begins. If you're avoidant attachment, you are in the, I don't need anything. I'm fine type. You're in that, that crew. Y you expect your partner to just know, but the idea of actually saying it out loud feels way too vulnerable and way too risky, and it's not something that you would ever do because you're too busy upholding the, I don't need anyone or anything stance, then you have the fearful avoidant or sometimes called disorganized. This one's a little bit tricky. You desperately want reassurance, but asking for it feels terrifying. 

 you might blurt out things like you should already know. Like if you loved me, that's where this one definitely comes in, but you should already know and then you'll pull back because deep down, you're afraid or you're scared of being rejected or dismissed. And the secure attachment where we want to strive to get to, they say, I need a hug right now.

I could really use a hug right now. Direct, clear and no drama. The point here isn't to shame whatever style you lean towards but it's to show you how your nervous system [00:09:00] has this default setting. You're always going to go to it, but defaults. We know these patterns can be reprogrammed. You don't have to stay stuck in the loop of hinting and hoping or hiding any of those things.

So, let's talk about like, what is the cost to your relationship for not asking, the cost of not asking or not being clear about what you need about your expectation about what you want 

 So, what happens when we don't ask?

Well, first of course it's going to build resentment. Your partner can't win a game that they don't know they're playing. If they don't know that you need something from them in that moment, how can we then get angry with them for not delivering something that you need in that moment? 

It's definitely hard when, oh, I didn't know this was the expectation. I didn't know that you needed something. Also, it really fuels distorted stories. They didn't do it, so they must not care. They must not love me. This is probably the biggest one that I hear, and it definitely was the story that I played over and over and over and over and over again.

 that's how I judged everything. oh, well, you must not love me if you didn't do this thing. You must not love me if you don't know that that's what I need.

Or know that that's the expectation in that moment, in that scenario. And the third, this really keeps insecurity alive. Every time you don't ask, you reinforce the belief that your needs don't matter when in reality you never gave your partner a chance to meet them.

And I want you to really listen to that part. Every time you don't ask, you reinforce the belief that your needs don't matter.

 and this is the point that's so important. If you won't say it out loud, you cannot blame them for not delivering it if you don't know. What it is that you need or want in that moment? How can we expect your partner to, and most of the time we don't know right off the bat, especially if you're not someone practicing meeting your own needs.

If you don't know how to do that yet, if that's not something that you've been doing, which most likely if you're. You're struggling with insecurity and jealousy. You it. You don't know how to meet your own needs. That's a huge part of it. You're expecting your partner to meet those needs. You can't say what it is that you want, that you really want. 

Like we can say what we expected them to do in the moment, but We're often confused, or we are hesitant and don't say it out loud to them. And there's a couple reasons for it. We will go into 'em here in just a minute. 

 But let's say, you wanted comfort after a bad day and your partner came home, you tell them like, oh, this is all the stuff that happened today.

What does that partner do? Potentially most of the time go right into problem solving mode. Oh, let me, I want, I need to solve this problem. But that makes you feel unseen. And the truth is you never said, hey, I don't need solutions right now. I just need you to listen. They weren't ignoring you. They're trying to guess, and they guessed wrong.

And this happens a lot, especially in re relationships. This reminds me, I had a conversation with my mom. This has been several months ago. They were getting a, an addition onto their house. They were making the master bedroom bigger in the bathroom, in this gigantic closet, and it was so cool when it was done.

During the process, of course, you know, there's all this construction. They had to move everything out of their master bedroom and master bath, and she was having to get ready in this little hall bath that they had, and I was on the phone with her. They were almost done with construction, but she was complaining about getting ready in this small hall bath.

And she was like; I just don't have anywhere for all my stuff. It's this little counter and I can't put my makeup and my hair dryer and my curling iron and all the stuff that I need, it doesn't fit on the counter. And I was like, oh, well why don't you buy one of those, like rolling, you know, rolling rack things or rolling um, tables and just.

Roll it in there. You know, it's got the drawers or whatever, so you can store everything in there, and then you'll have the top of it as an extra like platform or extra. Counter and you can put all your stuff in there and just roll it into the hall bathroom with you whenever you need to get ready.

And she was like, yeah, yeah, okay. That's a good idea. And she's like, well, and it's so dark in there. I don't have any, I can't hardly see. And so, I was like, well what about those, um, mirrors that they have that like the light up mirrors and. You could just pull that in there, set it on the counter and just use that mirror.

And it kept, it was like, and then another thing like that where it was, oh well, and this then this is a problem, and this is frustrating. And I gave another solution. And then she finally said, Shanenn, dammit, I'm not looking for answers and solutions. I just wanna bitch. And I thought, oh my gosh, that is so great, because that's the actual truth, right?

She. Wasn't looking for me to give her solutions to the problem. She knew all that she could do all that. She was just frustrated with how long construction took. She was just feeling bad, and she just wanted to vent. She just maybe wanted somebody to feel bad for her in the moment, or you know, like, oh, that really stinks, and it was so great for her to finally just say, I just wanna bitch about it.

That made it so easy. 'Cause I'm like, oh, okay, that I can do. And I even joked, and I was like, okay, let me get on board with this. Let's just complain about it. I love it. Let's do it. So much easier. So, this is what I'm saying, it happens with your partner, but even in other things. So, we just expect for them to guess the right thing all the time.

And it's so hard to do that. We feel like we know exactly what we would do. Oh my gosh. If they came home and said that, of course I would know and I'd try to make things better and I'd make 'em a diet nice meal, and I'd do this, but guess what? That may not be what your partner wants. Just because that's what you want and what you would need in that situation, it doesn't mean that that's what your partner needs.

My husband definitely has different needs if he's had a hard day, a hard, long day than I do. So, for him, if he's had a long day, a long hard day, and he came home and said that. Most likely what he wants is like quiet and he wants to go to sleep early and not too much activity.

And he doesn't, you know, he doesn't have the energy or the mindset to talk. That's what he would want. If I had a long day or I had a hard day, I might come home and like I wanna talk about it and just vent, right? And he may think, oh, she wants solutions, and that's not the case. So, I wanna layer in another piece here to really think about, and you can actually do this with your partner.

I do this in, um, I offer couples coaching as well, and I offer this in couples coaching. And it, it really changes the game. We have to think about our human needs and the fact that they don't always line up. So, if we look at six basic human needs, we have certainty. Uncertainty or variety, right?

Significance, love and connection. Growth and contribution. These come from Tony Robbins and Tice Gibson. They teach them, in a way that that ties beautifully into attachment work. So again, if you're writing these down. Certainty, uncertainty, significance, love and connection. Growth and contribution.

Now, here's why. Here's what matters. You could go through, and you could rank them, you know, one to six, what is your top priority or what, what [00:18:00] is most important to you, and have your partner do it as well. And so maybe love and connection is your number one need, right? You rank it number one. It's what makes you feel alive.

It's what makes you feel safe. It's what makes you feel good. It's what you think is the most important. It's what you focus on the most, what you think about the most. But your partner's top need might be growth. So, while you're craving closeness, they're prioritizing a project. Their personal goals, their independence, and if you look at that, okay, now the weekend comes.

And in your mind? Oh, love and connection is my number one. It's my must have. It's the thing that's top of my mind. And all I've done since Wednesday is think about spending the weekend with my partner and things that we could do. And I wanna have this romantic weekend and I really wanna connect with them.

And maybe we can go to a nice dinner, maybe we can go for a drive or maybe we can, whatever it is. And your partner who’s number one is growth. Is going, oh, I can't wait. Wait for the weekend. I can finally finish up that project, or I can finally start that project, or I can't wait to dig into that next thing, or I cannot wait to just lay around on Saturday and listen to podcasts, or I can't wait to go work out and listen to that new episode of whatever it is you can see.

How there may be conflict there, and if you are jealous and insecure and you have an insecure attachment style, you're gonna go What? When your partner says, oh, I'm gonna go out to the garage and work on this project. You're going to feel really let down when all you've been wanting is to love and connect, right?

It's going to feel disappointing. You're gonna be upset about that. And what we do is go, oh, well, they must not care. You don't wanna spend time with me. Our relationship isn't important to you. You would much rather just go out in the garage and be by yourself and work on some stupid project or whatever it is, but 

You can see how easy that conflict can show up. And it isn't that they don't care, it's that they're wired differently right now. Their needs are different than your needs. Their priorities are different than yours. And these can change. I mean, before when I, when I was in the throes of jealousy, when I was really struggling with this love and connection was my number one, and think about [00:21:00] like.

Usually, it's the thing that we're craving, right? The thing that we think we we're like pulling to get this thing, we're craving it what we feel like we need love and connection. but now my number one is growth. The point here is if my number one is growth or your, your partner's, number one is growth.

Nobody has to tell me to go listen to a podcast or to go read a book, right? Nobody has to, to coerce me into doing that or to, to beg me to do it. It comes naturally, it's top of mind. That's the thing that I'm thinking about. If I had a partner who’s number one was love and connection. Just because I don't think of that first, that that's not what first comes to mind, doesn't mean that I don't care or that I don't care about them.

So, if your need isn't their number one, it won't automatically be top of mind for them, which is why asking isn't needy. It's necessary. Asking isn't needy. It's necessary. You have to be able to say, hey, I was really hoping that we could do this at some point this weekend. I wondered if you would be open to doing this.

If you would like to do this. I know that the project is important to you, and then you can start working on, you know, this negotiation or this balance so that you both get your needs met. But otherwise, that person's just gonna go do their project or listen to their podcast or go for a run, like whatever their number one is.

They're gonna do that because that's top of mind for them. Just like you would be upset if your partner's, like, why are you thinking about romantic weekends? Like, why are you thinking about that? You must not love me if you don't wanna help me with my project. If you didn't think about my project first, you must not love me.

So, if you have love and connection as your number one, it could be because you have that insecure attachment style and that is the thing that you're needing most, that you're craving most, that you feel like that need is not getting met.

So, you have to just say it. Now we expect our partner to know what we want, when half the time we don't even know what we want ourselves. We dump the problem before we figured out the need. So, for example, um, you never text me during the day. That's a problem. But the need is reassurance. It's connection, a signal that you're on their mind.

So before you say anything to them, before you bring it up, before you lash out or before you break down because they're doing the project and you wanted love and connection, or because you're upset that they didn't text you during the day, ask yourself, what do I really need right now? Not the 47 other swirling thoughts in your head? Just the one, like, what is it that I need to feel better, to feel safe, to feel secure, to feel love? What is it specifically that I need? Because if it is, oh gosh, I feel love and connection when they text me during the day, just ask them, hey, would you have time to shoot me a quick text [00:25:00] tomorrow?

If you think about it or if, if you can, that's okay. And if they forget, guess what? That's okay too, because again, maybe it wasn't top of mind. Maybe they got busy, maybe all of those things, but it doesn't mean that they don't love you. So, try not to bring up the problem unless you can also name the need behind it.

And this is really, really important. I remember when I was working through the jealousy and really getting to the point of expressing my needs and being able to communicate my needs. I. Was really getting self-aware of my needs and knowing, oh, this is how I feel before I kind of go off the deep end, or I'm feeling this way and then I typically react this way, and I still do this with my partner.

I still will say. Hmm. I can tell I've been feeling a little bit insecure the past couple weeks this weekend. Could we, could we snuggle a little bit more or have one night where we just kind of cuddle up? Talk to each other or just cuddle up and that's it. You know, basically like I just need connection.

I will still say that because I can feel it coming on if I start to feel maybe a little too disconnected. For example, I've been traveling the last couple of weeks and um, he's had some long nights and. I start to feel, I'm not feeling that yet, but if I started to feel disconnected from him, I would say, hey, can we, you know, have a night where we snuggle up?

Or can we have a romantic date night? Or can we, whatever it is that I feel like I need to get back. That feeling of love and connection.

So how do you actually ask. Okay, just keep it simple. Long explanations are just gonna make your partner feel maybe more confused or harder for them to understand. So, use really direct language. Again, not this hint dropping, which that's usually like once we go, oh, okay. I. Understand that their top, human needs might be different than mine.

And I have to actually say something. We usually start with, I'm gonna just hint 'cause it doesn't feel good to you yet to just ask for what you want or to state what you want. Because you have some idea in your head that if you have to tell them or you have to remind them that it doesn't count, that it doesn't feel as good, that that doesn't mean anything.

And I'm here to tell you it does. It's just that it's not top of mind for them, so keep it simple. Use really direct language. Don't try the, well, I'm gonna drop hints and see it's not gonna work, and you're gonna be frustrated and then they're gonna be frustrated with you. Direct language. I need a hug.

Can you tell me that we're okay. I need help with dinner tonight. Can you watch the kids for an hour tonight while I read a book while I relax? Whatever it is, remember asking does not make you needy. It makes you clear. I guarantee you, if you ask any partner of someone insecure and you said, hey, if I told you exactly what I needed.

Would that be more helpful to you, or would you feel like I was being needy? I guarantee 99 100% are gonna say, oh my gosh, thank you. It would make it more clear. It would make it easier. Then I would know. I wouldn't have to guess. I wouldn't feel like I did something wrong. I wouldn't. The needy. That needy part is when we keep hint dropping and then we get upset because they're not getting our hints.

That's when it becomes needy. If we get upset with them and irritated and start a fight, because how do they not understand that? I've been working late all week. I've been running around the kids, I've been sick, and can they not just. Handle and take care of the kids for an hour tonight so that I can go take a bath or I can go watch my show or I can just decompress.

I bet you they could, if you just ask.

Stop getting so tripped up on the fact that you have to bring it up to your partner.

So think of it this way. Your needs are like GPS coordinates. Without them, your partner is just driving in circles. They're hoping to stumble on the right destination. They're hoping to figure it out. When you say it out loud, you hand them the map. You just say, can you do this? Do you mind watching the kids for an hour?

It's clear. It's direct and it meets your needs, and it's okay to just ask for it. It's also okay to remind your partner if they forget, that's okay too. Here's where it comes to

where, okay, maybe you can start to get upset is if you ask and they say, no. Right, or you ask multiple times, and they don't, right? I've asked multiple times. I asked you directly, I said I needed a hug, and you said, no, you didn't do it Very rarely will that happen, and even in those circumstances, there might be reasons behind it.

However. Most of the time, your partner's gonna do whatever it is that makes you happy. Whatever it is that you ask directly for, they're gonna do it.

So, here's the takeaways for today's episode. Please stop waiting for your partner to be a mind reader. They can't read your mind. They're not, and thank goodness, because honestly, do you really want someone inside that head of yours 24 7? No. So don't make them a mind reader. 

Get really clear on what you actually need. Say it out loud and watch how much easier your relationship feels when your partner finally knows, oh, this is the game I'm playing, or, oh, this is what they want. Happy to do it. Happy to oblige. well, 

But thanks for hanging out with me today. If this sits home, take a deep breath, try it. Ask for one thing directly, see how it feels, and then share this with a friend. Come back next week. We're gonna do it again. Until next time, take care. And remember, you're not alone.