This Childhood Shame Is Holding You Back EP 117

[00:00:59] I want to start this episode by telling you how this podcast was actually born. Um, and if you have been with me since the beginning, you probably have heard this story or a version of this story, but if you're new, um, but you may be new. So I wanted to just. Share how the podcast started because it also has to do with the topic of the show today.

[00:01:28] Shanenn Bryant: It wasn't something that I necessarily planned. In fact, I always had this idea that I wanted to start a podcast, but I thought that I would be talking about growing up in an environment where there was an alcoholic. And so at the time I was doing some speaking engagements and different things on that topic.

[00:01:51] so I was speaking to a women's a CA group, and If you're not familiar with that, it stands for Adult Children of Alcoholics. And I was just sharing what it was like to grow up in a family where there was an alcoholic, And I talked about. That environment, but then more so of how it started my insecurities and carried over into my adult relationships, and I explained how I really suffered from insecurity and jealousy. And not just a little jealous, but the embarrassing behaviors that we talk about here.

[00:02:28] I said it all. I gave examples of things that I had done in my relationships. I talked about snooping. I talked about needing the constant reassurance about the mental spiraling over something as small as, you know, they didn't text back right away or a small change in their, in their. Routine, all those things that that we talk about here.

[00:02:58] I shared in that talk, and when I was finished speaking, all of these hands went up because they said, okay, let's open it up for questions. Who has questions? And the whole thing was supposed to be like an hour, hour and a half or an hour, and I think it went. Almost to two hours. I can't remember now what it was, but a very long time past what it was supposed to be because all these hands went up and every one of them was like, oh my gosh, me too.

[00:03:31] I cannot believe you just talked about that. I can't believe you said it out loud. I've never met anyone who had these same feelings as me who did these same things. I thought I was the only person. And that's when I knew, oh, this is what I need to be talking about because I have so much experience with it.

[00:03:56] Yes, I have experience being a child of an alcoholic, but this goes beyond, and I just knew that this was something that nobody was really talking about, and if they were talking about it, they weren't being. All the way vulnerable. They weren't sharing stories of the things that actually they, that happened that they were really doing.

[00:04:23] So, that's when I switched gears and if you don’t know, the podcast was originally called Jealousy Junkie and then kind of threw some coaching, business coaching and different things. We changed the name to Top Self because I didn't want. I didn't want you to get stuck in, oh, okay. I'm jealous and I'm listening about jealousy.

[00:04:46] And then what, because there's so much more, there's so much to the process of getting through jealousy, but then also, okay, as I'm starting to, to move through this and starting to do some healing. What's next? So that's when we changed the name to Top Self and here we are today. So I share this because, if you're new, I wanna say the biggest thing here is letting go of the shame of.

[00:05:17] The feelings of jealousy. We've gotta let the shame go. Otherwise, it's really hard for us to move through and learn about it and take that in and make sense of it, and then start to do the things. If we're constantly in shame about our jealousy, about just feeling jealous in the first place, it's gonna be really hard to move through it.

[00:05:39] So I talk a lot here about letting go of that shame. what someone has recently brought to my attention, not intentionally, but through conversation, is that I have left the conversation about shame and growing up in that type of environment. I've kind of left that on the shelf.

[00:06:03] And just focused on the shame of the jealous feelings. So recently someone reached out to me, a listener, and she said that she was struggling to just make new friends as an adult. Not because she isn't likable, not because you know she's the antisocial, but because she's ashamed of how she grew up. She doesn't want to.

[00:06:28] Share that one of her parents was an alcoholic. she doesn't want to open that door because she still feels embarrassed about it. And so, this has been really hard for her to make friends as an adult because she, you know, one, if she doesn't share it, she feels like she's hiding something but she's too embarrassed to actually share it.

[00:06:53] It hit me like a truck that, oh my gosh, there's still shame that we're not talking about the shame of kind of maybe your origin story, the shame of your actual upbringing, and if you're hiding it, you're not just hiding a fact about your past, you're hiding a part of yourself. So today we are going there and we're going to talk about what it feels like to carry the shame of how you grew up.

[00:07:27] To feel like you've got to keep it hidden to feel like if people knew the truth, they look at you differently. And I think you can relate that to even jealousy. So maybe you didn't grow up. In an environment where you would say it was quote unquote dysfunctional, or there was addiction of any kind, you know, drug addiction or alcohol addiction, I still believe this podcast is gonna be for you because you can tie it to the shame of jealousy.

[00:07:57] So if you're not at the point where you've released that jealousy, same thing applies. And there is this piece where it's like, oh, I don't wanna talk about, because I don't want people to look at me differently, to think less of me. The biggest thing is its most likely you, you are the one who is looking at yourself as if you are very different, as if you are less than, way, more than if somebody knew that that's how you grew up.

[00:08:35] So we have this thing of where we're, we try to like polish the outside, but we have this huge private past that's still lingering in there. So, you can be successful, you can be smart, you can be stylish, you can be a walking Pinterest board and still feel like you are, you're dragging around this secret and you're not good enough because.

[00:09:01] You know, maybe no one would've guessed what your childhood looked like. They don't know that. your mom passed out on the couch more nights than she tucked you in. They don't know that normal for you. Was walking on eggshells, hiding in your room, 

[00:09:26] Covering for your parents, maybe in front of your friends or not having friends over. I remember that was a big thing for me. I only had like one friend that I felt comfortable enough with her even coming over to spend the night, and even then, it was like, uh, I was always really nervous about what was going to happen.

[00:09:50] So

[00:09:51] if you find yourself just not talking about your past or it's like, oh, this is only reserved for people that I'm really, really close to, then. It might be time to let you know, release some of that a little bit like let's crack the lid just a little bit. And I am not saying, please do not think that I'm saying go out and tell everyone your trauma.

[00:10:19] That is not good either, because sometimes we can get met with maybe not the best reactions, but also you wanna get to a place where. You don't feel like, oh, I can't even make friends as an adult because I don't wanna share this. The silence. It's not just quiet, it's, it's suffocating.

[00:10:45] And this is the core, I get why. We don't wanna share it. You've got fear of judgment, like, uh, what if they think, you know, I'm broken, there's something wrong with me. And even the shame of maybe still being affected by it. 

[00:11:01] The jealousy, it's showing up as insecurity and jealousy in your relationship, and this is affecting you because of the way you grew up. So sometimes, of course, that's why we want to keep it quiet and a lot of times feeling like, oh, my story is too much, or it's too complicated.

[00:11:17] or even oftentimes, where people feel like, well, it's not traumatic enough. I, this happened, my, my parents were in the front yard. My dad was pointing a gun at my mom. And forever I was like, eh, people have had it so much worse than me. Why would I whine about it?

[00:11:37] Or complain about it? Or talk about it? It's not really that traumatic. It's not as traumatic. It's not traumatic enough, and that was my thought. So, I would just keep holding on and I have friends that I have had since junior high and for the longest time they didn't even know my dad's name because I just wouldn't talk about him.

[00:11:58] I was so ashamed by then my parents were divorced and I just wasn't talking about him.

[00:12:04] The other part too, another reason is maybe wanting to, to put it behind you. To pretend like, ugh, it doesn't matter. That's behind me. I'm an adult now. It's not affecting me, but it's still most likely if you haven't dealt with it, driving your reactions, if you're still in shame about it. It is driving your reactions, it's driving your behaviors,

[00:12:32] this shame, it's not always gonna show up as like a huge breakdown or panic attacks or, you know, tears in the grocery store. Sometimes it shows up very silently where you're smiling, you're people pleasing all the time. And you might just say things like, oh, we're, you know, we're not that close.

[00:12:50] My mom, I'm not that close with my mom. Or, oh, I'm not that close with my dad. And change the subject when somebody asks. It's not that you're lying, I get it. It's you're editing. And I did a lot of that. I did a lot of, editing of who I was instead of realizing, hey, this has nothing to do with me. It doesn't, it doesn't make me any less than anyone else because I went through it.

[00:13:19] None of that stuff applies. And I learned that, when I started having a relationship with my dad. if you keep it to yourself and you compartmentalize it, you shut the door on that chapter and you pretend that it doesn't still bleed into your present. Moment to your present life, but it does.

[00:13:42] It affects how you see yourself, how you relate to others, how you show up in relationship, how much you trust, how deep you allow yourself to be known.

[00:13:54] Here's what I want you to know. You are not the only one who is still embarrassed about how you grew up. You're not the only one who feels like. Maybe they're living a double life. They're kind of put together on the outside, but you're haunted by this on the inside. Again, you don't have to share everything.

[00:14:16] you're not giving everyone this backstage pass to you and talking about it all the time. But if you are still weighted by it and feel ashamed of and embarrassed by it, it's time to let that shame go and realize that it has nothing to do with you.

[00:14:37] You deserve to stop carrying it around as if it's some character flaw about you. You didn't choose the chaos. You didn't choose the dysfunction. 

[00:14:49] and this really changed for me, as I mentioned, when. My dad and I started to have a relationship, so my mom and and other people, even some relationships I was in or friends, would a little bit push me to reach out to my dad to have a relationship with him, and I just couldn't do it. Couldn't do it, couldn't do it until, of course, finally I decided to do that, and I'm so incredibly thankful that I did because it taught me so much about.

[00:15:18] How I was faulting him for the exact same thing that I was experiencing. There are reasons that my dad became an alcoholic, just like there are reasons that I became jealous and insecure. after we started our relationship and started to talk, and once I gave up the fact that I needed some apology from him, because that's how it started, like I wanted him to apologize.

[00:15:44] I wanted him to know how hard it was for me and how difficult and the things he did and what I was still struggling with. I wanted him to take accountability and responsibility for all of that, and no one wants to hear. It's a very hard thing, so I had to let that go of, you know what, even if he did, that's still not gonna change the way I feel about myself, about him, about our relationship.

[00:16:14] So I started to think about the things that I could be proud of, like my maiden name, my original last name is Jones. And after my dad and I started to rekindle this relationship, he got me this t-shirt that said it's a Jones thing and it is my favorite T-shirt. And if I weren't married with my husband's last name, there'd be a big part of me that would wanna go back to having the last name of Jones because.

[00:16:50] That is who I am. And I spent so many years, you know, growing up and as an early adult, embarrassed or ashamed of having that last name because I tied it to the dysfunction and the negativity. And I was not only hiding from who I was, but also like trying to cover up and escape my roots. And I really wish that I could go back and go, you know what, yes, maybe all of those things happened, but there's so much to be proud of there, and it's okay that.

[00:17:34] Maybe I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Maybe some people don't understand it. They've never experienced that type of life. They have no idea. They've got their judgements about people who grew up in those types of environments or even doing some of the things that I was doing because of it. As a young person,

[00:17:54] I missed out on being proud of who I was. And so when I see that t-shirt, it just makes me smile and feel comforted and reminded that it's okay to be exactly who I am, if there are flaws in that and all that's okay.

[00:18:25] You owe it to yourself, like you don't owe the story to anyone. So, if you don't wanna share the story with people that you meet, totally fine. But you do owe yourself relief from having the weight of hiding it. And it starts with honesty with yourself first. So, one thing you can do is, write it down.

[00:18:47] I'm still embarrassed about how I grew up. How does that feel? Like? What comes up? Let that sort of breath. Because what we don't acknowledge we carry, and what we carry becomes who we think we are. You're not shame, you're not dysfunction, you're not some walking secret that less than people, you're a person who made it through all of that.

[00:19:17] you don't have to go back and, and you know, rekindle some relationship with that alcoholic parent. Or unfortunately, maybe that alcoholic parent or addicted parent isn't around anymore to try to salvage that relationship. I was lucky enough that my dad and I had. At least the three years that we had before he passed.

[00:19:44] Unfortunately, not everybody is going to have that luxury, and I get that. But you can start to think of, you know, what, are there things that I can be proud of? I don't have to be ashamed that I grew up this way. It doesn't mean anything about. Me in terms of how important I am in this world, your worth in this world.

[00:20:12] It means nothing about that. If anything, you've got some great survival skills and other things that came along with it, and yeah, maybe you have some flaws. That's okay. But the longer you live in, shame about it, the harder it gets to go. Okay?

[00:20:32] You know what? I myself, am gonna be open to looking at this. Forget even right now, everybody else let me process and get through the shame of what I went through, who my parents are, what happened. Let me get through. The shame of that first, and then I'm not gonna worry about telling other people because I feel confident in myself.

[00:21:04] You know what's interesting? I was thinking about this, um, even as I started to record this at the beginning and I thought, you know, I was in a robbery. about 23 years ago. My son is 26 now. He was three at the time. I was in an armed robbery at a gas station. I was thrown on the ground.

[00:21:24] I had a gun pointed to my head, all of it. I'm not embarrassed to tell that story but embarrassed to tell the story about my parents. with the gun and a very similar situation. So, what is the difference? It's what I'm tying to what that means about me. I didn't choose to be in a robbery, and I didn't choose to be in that dysfunctional environment.

[00:21:53] It happened to me. I survived through it. There's no difference in that. it's something that I survived through. So, if this episode stirred something in you, if you've been carrying this secret history and trying to keep it invisible, I, I want you to hear this.

[00:22:16] You are allowed. To be proud of your survival without being ashamed of it.

[00:22:24] you are not less than for still being affected by it. this space, this podcast, it's for those that are done pretending.

[00:22:36] It's for the ones who still feel the sting of their past that they didn't choose, but are brave enough to face, because confidence begins where that old story ends.

[00:22:51] So if you're ready to let go of that old story, I'm here to help you do it through coaching. So, schedule your free discovery call and see how I can help. Until next time, take care. And remember, you're not alone. 

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