Secure People Just Think Differently EP 132

Years ago, back when I still went to the pool, I was just laying there minding my own business. And I see this really attractive woman in her suit and she was just seemed confident and there by herself.

And she walks over, she's talking to the guy who is laying next to what I assume to be his girlfriend or his wife or whatever. And I mean, she just walks over and starts talking to him. His wife is right there. And this woman is talking to her husband in her bathing suit. And it's going on for a little while and I'm just watching and I'm watching the wife. She did not have a care in the world.

She was relaxed. She was kind of laughing with somebody else, not even really paying attention to this woman who was talking to her husband, like completely unbothered.

Like this was just a normal Tuesday. And I remember thinking, how? How is this not bothering you? Are you not seeing what I'm seeing right now? Like this is clearly, like, how are you not even concerned? She wasn't even really paying attention. You could tell she knew that the girl was there, but she was engrossed in her own conversation.

And I was like, my gosh, are you choosing to just not care?

Like, are you choosing to just not care? And then of course my brain goes into like, are you swingers? And do you like this kind of I mean, it was just like this whole thing. Because if that were me. I would have been a complete mess. 

Like enraged bonkers bananas at the pool. Like that's what would have went down. But here's what I know now that I didn't know then.

She was seeing the exact same thing I was seeing. not like she didn't know the woman was there. She just wasn't telling herself the same story about it that I was. And that is what we're talking about today.

Hey, welcome back to Top Self, I'm Shanenn Bryant and this is the show where we get real about jealousy and insecurity in relationships. Not the surface stuff, but the deep, uncomfortable, why does my brain do this stuff? So if you're new here, welcome. You're going to probably feel really seen today, maybe for the first time even. And if you've been with me for a while, thank you so much for always coming back and for investing in yourself.

Today's episode is called Secure People Aren't Blind, They Just Think Differently. And I want to start the conversation by saying something really important before we dive in. Secure people are not people who have nothing to worry about. They're not people with these perfect partners or perfect pasts or some magical gift of not caring.

They are people who have learned whether consciously or not, a completely different way of processing what they see. And the beautiful thing about that is it means it's learnable. That's what today's about. So I want to talk about a specific experience that I think almost every jealous or insecure personhas had. 

And that's the moment where you're watching someone else not react the way you would react. And instead of feeling relieved, you feel even more confused, even more alone, maybe even a little bit more broken. Like you're, you know, standing at a party and your partner walks over to talk to someone attractive or they have to interact with someone that's attractive.

And you feel it, that immediate tightening of your chest, your eyes start tracking every single move.

Are they laughing too much? Is he leaning in? Did she just touch his arm?

And you look around and like no one else seems to be doing this. They're just all enjoying whoever they're talking to. Your friend is over there having a full conversation, completely unbothered. That person's partner is completely unbothered. You think, gosh, does everyone else just not see it? Do they not care? What did they know that I don't know? How are they doing that?

Or maybe you're on vacation, you're somewhere beautiful, you should be relaxed, you should be present. And instead you're in your head. You're monitoring. You're analyzing. And while everyone else around you seems to just be living and enjoying the moment, enjoying where they are. And the loneliness of that is real. Like the loneliness of that feeling is so real. Not just…

the jealousy, but the feeling of being the only person in the room who can't seem to like turn it off, who can't seem to just enjoy where they are. I hear this from clients all the time.  Everyone else seems to just be normal. This stuff doesn't bother everyone else.

Why can't I just be normal like everyone else? Here's what I want you to understand.

Your brain has just learned to play a very specific game and nobody taught you the rules so you don't know how to change them.

So let's be honest about what your jealous brain does because I think we sometimes minimize it even to ourselves. It's exhausting. It's not just the moments of jealousy. It's the anticipation. So if you were going on a trip, it's like being anxious the whole way up to the trip. It's going to the party already preloaded with anxiety. It's checking their location before they even get home. 

It's rehearsing conversations in your head that haven't happened yet. The way that jealousy quietly shrinks your world. That's what it feels like. You stop suggesting that you do things because you're afraid of what might happen. Who might be there? You start avoiding situations that feel risky. 

You spend so much energy managing your fear that there's very little left for actually enjoying the relationship, for actually enjoying these vacations or these events that you're going to or being in a group of people. And your partner feels it. Even if you think you're hiding it, they feel it. They feel the hypervigilance. And eventually the relationship starts to feel less safe.

Less like a safe haven and more like this performance. You're having to hide things. You're having to, you know, talk about things.  And both of you then are really walking on eggshells. Both of you slowly losing the thing that you were afraid of losing.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. I'm saying it because I want you to understand the full cost, not just the emotional cost to you, but what it's doing to the connection that you actually want. Because what the secure person has that the jealous person desperately wants? Freedom. Freedom to be in their relationship without all of these thoughts without feeling anxious all the time. 

To see something that might feel a little uncomfortable and not go into a full tailspin. To trust themselves enough to handle whatever comes. That's what we're building toward.

Okay, so let's walk through this. Okay. What I mean by the secure person is basically thinking differently or seeing things differently than you are. So let's say your partner is at a work event and you see a photo on social media of them, you know, laughing with an attractive coworker. Close-ish. Smiling big.

The jealous brain sees that photo and immediately starts building a case. Why are they so close? She's beautiful. He never looks that happy with me. Should I say something? Should I not say something? I know this is going to cause an argument. Watch. I bet he doesn't even mention her. I just know he won't. He's never mentioned her before. Didn't know he worked with someone like that.

Now, a secure person, their brains when they see that exact same photo, they notice it. Let's be really clear. They're not blind. They see the same photo. But the first thought isn't this is a threat. The first thought is probably something like, look, he's having a good time or look, this is so and so from his work. And then they keep scrolling or they like it or they comment.

That's it. That simple. Not because they don't care. Not because they're in denial. But because their brain didn't assign threat to it. So what's actually different? Here's the key. It's not what they saw. It's the MEANING they assigned to what they saw. 

Your brain is a meaning-making machine. It doesn't just receive information, it immediately interprets it. It assigns a story. Decides what it means about you. About your partner. About your relationship. And that meaning your brain assigns is based on its existing library. Your past experiences. Your fears. Your wounds. Your beliefs about yourself. About your relationship.

So if your library says people leave or I'm not enough or love is unpredictable, your brain is going to pull from that library at your brain is going to pull from that library every single time.

So that photo becomes, he's going to leave me for her. he's having sexual thoughts about her. he didn't mention her. 

But if your library says, am enough and my partner chose me and one photo doesn't tell the whole story, your brain pulls from that library. Same photo becomes same photo becomes.

Looks like he's having a great night. I'm going to comment on it. Even I'm going to like it. Both people are experiencing reality through a filter through their filter. 

The difference is which filter they're secure people don't just trust their partners more. They trust themselves more. This is the part that I really want you to sit with. This is like the key to all of this. Security in a relationship isn't primarily about trusting your partner. It shouldn't matter who the partner is. It's about trusting yourself.

What I mean by that is a secure person isn't operating from, I know for certain he'll never hurt me. That's not even the way they think. Nobody can know that. What they're operating from is if something hard happens, I can handle it. I know who I am. I know my worth and my worth doesn't live in what he does or doesn't do or what she does or doesn't do. I'll be okay..

THAT is the foundation of security. that is what makes it possible to see that photo and not spiral. Because the spiral isn't really about the photo. It's about the fear underneath. If he leaves, I won't survive. If he leaves, all my needs getting met go away. If she's better than me, that means I'm not enough. Secure people have done the work.

Secure people have done the work, whether consciously or not, of building a self that doesn't collapse under uncertainty. And that's what we're building here. So here's your practical tool for today's episode. I call it the Meaning Audit. 

You can use it in the moment. can use it after the fact. You know, one of the things I always say, if you're going to have a jealous breakdown, if you're going to have a moment, let's learn from it. Right? So you can use it after the fact as you are kind of starting to try to build your new habits. There are three questions, just three. That's it. So question one, what actually happened? Not your interpretation, not what it might mean.

Just the raw event. He was talking to a woman at a party. He was talking to a woman at a pool. He came home late. He text me late. Texted me late. I hate that. Text texted. I don't know.

But just the facts. Question 2. What story did I assign to it? This is where you have to get really honest. I decided it meant he's attracted to her. I decided it meant he's hiding something. I decided it meant I'm not enough. Name the story. Don't judge it. Just see it clearly. 

Question 3. And this is the one that changes everything. Is this the only possible meaning? You've heard me talk about the power of one, O-N-E, open to new examples, evidence, explanations. That's where this comes in. 

because it almost never is what you assigned it initially. He was talking to a woman at a party. Could mean he's friendly. It could mean she's a colleague. It could mean he's good at networking.

There's so many things. The story your brain picked is just one story and it's usually the scariest one. Sometimes the scary story is the right one. 

So what is another meaning? Here's how you can practice it. Okay. The next time that you feel that similar or familiar tightening in your chest, before you say something, of course, I know sometimes that just comes out, but ask yourself those three questions. What actually happened? What story did I assign it? Is this the only possible meaning? What are some other meanings? You're not trying to convince yourself everything is fine.

You're just creating a little space between the trigger and the reaction. that space, that's where change lives. Secure people are not a different species. They're not lucky. 

They did not just happen to have a trustworthy partner or an easy past. They have intentionally or not built a different internal filter, a different picture, a different meaning maker library, a different relationship with uncertainty and that means it's available to you. It's not a personality trait you either have or you don't. It's a skill. It's a practice.

And like any skill, the more you do, the more natural it becomes. Your jealousy is not the enemy. It's been trying to protect you from the things that scared you the most. But at some point, that protection has become a prison for you. And you deserve to be free. So this week, try the Meaning Audit just once. See what happens when you catch yourself assigning a story and you actually question it. 

You might be surprised how often there's a completely different, much less scary option sitting right there waiting for you to be considered. If today's episode resonated with you and especially if you're thinking, I know what I'm supposed to do, but I can't seem to do it. That's exactly what coaching is for.

That's where we get into your specific patterns, your specific triggers and build your specific path to security. So you can book your free call with me at topself.com. You can grab it. There's a link in the show notes that you can grab. So no pressure, no pitch. We just have a conversation, see if it's a good fit, see if it's something I can help you with. So.

You will find that link in the show notes or in the description below. Thank you so much for being here. And if this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who may need to hear it. You never know who is maybe quietly going through this themselves. Until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.