Meltdown Metrics: Evaluation the Before, During, and After EP 65

Oh my gosh. I am so excited to finally be doing a solo episode again with you all. I have been pulling guest episodes out of the queue to publish because between going on vacation and then having covid, when we got back to, oh, another, uh, thing that has been prohibiting me from recording solo episodes, so as I have mentioned, 

We got COVID in the Dominican Republic when we were on vacation. This is two years in a row, but third year altogether, Mexico, Costa Rica, and now Dominican Republic that I've come home with. Covid I, but this one was particularly bad because first we missed our flight. We were supposed to come home on Saturday evening. We were doing great. We had a layover in Charlotte, which is where we were going to pick up our bags that were flown in from Dominican. So then you have to go through customs in the US. 

Our flight was on time. However, it was pouring rain, and so our plane had to sit on the runway waiting for the other plane that was in our spot, like in our parking spot, I guess. I don't know what you call them in the terminal.

We had to wait for them. They couldn't leave because they weren't letting planes fly out at the moment. So we sat there for like an hour, which that made us then miss our connecting flight because we didn't have time to get our bags. They said, no, you don't have time to get your bags and go through custom and customs and all of that.

So. Sorry! And of course there are no other flights going out that night, back to Indy. So we had to get, um, a ride to a hotel by the airport, spend the night, get up at the next morning. We already weren't feeling good. My throat was killing me. We were both kind of getting that sort of chills and feverish feeling all at the same time.

So we were already late. we got in at about 12:30 in the afternoon on Sunday and 

 went and picked up our German Shepherd Sampson from my husband's parents who had been watching him. So we got home, you know, maybe 12:30 by the time we got home and we were pulling up the driveway. I look over to my left again. Mind you, we both feel like absolute dog crap.

My throat is killing me. I feel like I can barely swallow. I'm chilled. You know that feeling where you just want to get up under a bunch of blankets? That's how I was already feeling. And as we're pulling up the driveway, I look over and our entire retaining wall had collapsed and all of the, the stone was down at the bottom of the hill all the way across the yard. I mean, we knew we were having problems with our retaining wall was leaning just a little bit, but I guess while we were gone, there was a massive amount of rain and so that finally did, it wiped out the retaining wall, and so my husband and I just looked at each other like, this is the last thing that we wanna deal with right now.

And so we didn't, we. Went inside, unpacked our bags, threw our clothes in the laundry, and we both went to bed, cuddled up under the covers. And neither one of us got up until the next morning; 12:30 in the afternoon until the next morning. And then of course, you know, it was another for me um, it was another about 12 days before I felt better.

I tell you that because that is another reason why I haven't been able to do solo episodes because there's been construction outside of my office here at home and, um, so lots of noise going on and Samson barking the entire time at the construction workers for days on end. So. I am so glad to be back doing a solo episode with you.

I'm also really excited for this because during the construction and all of the things that have been going on, I've been working on a couple things behind the scenes, and one of them I'm gonna share with you today, this is an exercise, 

I call it the Situation Evaluation Worksheet, but I used to do this when I, you know, when my jealousy was really bad, but where I was starting to figure out like a couple things that were working for me, and I felt like it was starting to get better. And so, I started doing these evaluations on myself, and 

I was just doing it on scratch pieces of paper, but I wanna share it with you today because I took the time to make a really great, easy to use worksheet for you. You can download it. the link will be in the show notes, or you can just go to top self.com/evaluation to download the worksheet.

What's really cool is I put all the different sections in there for you and instructions, but what's really cool is you can download a blank copy of it, and then every time you have the jealous moment or a jealous meltdown, you can make a copy, pull up a blank worksheet, and you can type right from your phone or your computer.

So, um, and then you can save it. So. I'm gonna take the opportunity today to walk through the worksheet with you a little bit, talk about why I think this is a great exercise to do, and because this has been coming up a lot, whether it's in groups or in one-on-one coaching, we can't just hear the information, you have to actually take action. You have to actually do the things. You know, I say all the time, the majority of this comes down to just making different choices. And so yes, it's great to listen to the podcast and hear the information and let that stuff sink in.

But if you are not actually doing the work outside of listening to the podcast, you may not be making ton of progress. that's another reason I wanted to create this worksheet for you. Make it easy so you can type right on it on your phone or your tablet or your computer, and so hopefully that'll get you to take action and use the worksheet and actually do the exercises to get the growth. I wanted to take the time to walk through it with you today. So, let's dive in. when you get the worksheet, you'll see, and I kind of gave a little, little tidbit about the process, and this is really intended to help you not only recognize and understand your personal feelings and reactions in those heated moments of jealousy when you're really feeling anxious, but

use the worksheet to assess What happened before, during, and after your jealous experience, and all three of them are really important to do, and I'll talk about why you're gonna gain so much awareness to possible contributing factors of what might have led, led to that jealous meltdown or what might have triggered you, but then also taking that information in.

So that you can make adjustments and make different choices in the future. Uh, there's a great coach. Her name is Stacy Boehman, and she talks about thinking of it in terms of, 

you know, if you look at Apple. They keep making better and better phones, better and better versions. They do that because they are gathering data, gathering information, asking questions, being curious, doing surveys, finding out what works, what didn't work, what would you like, what would make it better, what helped, what do you love, what do you hate, what's annoying?

All of those things. And they take in that information to then make a better next iPhone. The real key here to think about, you know, iPhone, when they, when they came out with the first iPhone or iPhone five, they didn't go, oh, this really sucks. It doesn't have everything. It's not the greatest, it's not perfect yet.

No, they did amazing with iPhone one, two, three, four, five, all the way up to, I think we're at iPhone 15 now. And they keep making things better. They keep making improvements. And the way that they do that is, again, through evaluation, being curious. And so that's what we're gonna do for ourselves because the way to get better is to figure out, okay, what was happening when I got triggered?

What did I do in the moment where I could have made a different choice? Maybe I felt really out of control, but there might have been another choice and how well did I recover? So, I want to go through each one and I, I kind of gave just a summary there, but the first step is to think about.

Before the moment, before that trigger leading up to it what was going on in your life. So, think back on what was going on before that insecure moment. Were you hungry? Were you tired? Were you already anxious about the event? Um, or about the situation? I think this one was a big one for me, and I hear it a lot because we're doing that.

Remember, we're doing that forward thinking where we're already nervous about a vacation that we have six months from now. We are already nervous about an event that we have to go to 'cause we know that there are gonna be people and we know that there are going be people of the opposite sex, and we know that that might trigger our jealousy.

So, were you already worried and anxious about it? Did you have previous insecure thoughts throughout the day? So, I kind of equate this to, you know, when you went through a breakup or you know you liked someone, you found out they didn't like you back, and you listen to really sad songs.

It's like you're already sad and then you double down on that sadness by listening to sad songs or re going through the things that they gave you or the pictures of you all together and we double down on that sadness. where we already.

Maybe even exposed to some negative outside influences like social media or um, you know, blogs or even a podcast or a conversation with a friend. I tell people all the time, my coaching clients, sometimes we gotta take a break for a minute. It's okay. I am not going to be offended if you take a week off from listening to this podcast.

Or if you're already feeling triggered and you feel like it's an episode where we're talking about, you know, infidelity or something like that. Give yourself that break. So, if you're already feeling anxious about something you already feel like you might be triggered, then maybe if you have an event coming up this evening, maybe that's a time where we stay off social media that day.

 This is when you really want to try to avoid those insecure habits, like looking at their phone. Don't double down and add to the misery before it even happens. So, what was happening before? And remember Costa Rica, I think a big part of mine was I was hungry and that that contributed to it.

So, what were you doing before? How were you feeling? How was your day? What are things that you did in your day? There's an entire section in the worksheet for you to jot that down and remember, you can use a new one each time. The second step is then of course, in the moment, so what specifically happened in the moment?

And it's best to do this exercise as quickly after the jealous moment as possible. And the reason we like to create or twist maybe reality a little bit or what exactly happened, but also just as humans. We think we remember all the details or that we will remember all the details and then we don't.

The sooner you can fill this out, especially even if you just pull it up on your phone and type the in the moment pieces. I think that's the most important, like exactly what was said. What did you do? What did your partner say? What were your thoughts and your fears about the situation? Did you do any self-regulation techniques?

Did you try any? If you did, which ones did you try? The big thing that I talk about all the time is we have to extend the gap between the trigger and your reaction and lessen the gap of recovery. So how long was the gap between the trigger in your reaction? What happened? What did you do in that gap?

 Then of course is after the moment, did you tell your partner that you were having jealous feelings? Did they know that you were struggling with it? that might be part of your, in the moment, 

 maybe there was an argument. So did it cause an argument between the two of you you can add in anything. I am just giving you guidance in the worksheet of things to think about and so one of them, you know, what had to happen for you to get back to calm?

Did it take your partner reassuring you? Did you just need time to think things through? Um, were you just tired of fighting? I know that happened with me quite a bit, where I was like, ugh, you know, he's ignoring me. I'm ignoring him. We're not talking. I'm just sick of being in this argument, being in the silence. And so I'm just going to go apologize and try to make things better. And it was always awkward for a while. I feel like that awkwardness just hung around, which is why, you know, the, the faster we recover, the better it is. Um, you know, 

Jot down any emotions that you felt after you calmed down. Like what were some thoughts that you had after you calmed down? Because a lot of times we will then use our rational brain to go, ugh, that was probably a silly thing to get upset about, or I may have made that way bigger

than what it needed to be. And I get it in the moment. It feels huge. But after we've calmed down and after our nervous system is relaxed, a lot of times we will have some aha moments or some. Some regret about something we said or did. Um, and then finally, you know, how long was the recovery time?

So how long did it take before you felt like you were back in action and or your partner? because it could be you are working on your recovery time, so you're. You're coming out of your shell, you're talking to them again, you're gonna put your guilty and ashamed feelings aside and you're going to try to keep moving, but they're still struggling a little bit. And that could be the case. So, you might want to separate 'em.

How long did it take you to recover to where you felt like, I'm just going to go and be normal again. And then how long did it take your partner to recover and maybe, you know, what was it that got them to recover? So that is after the moment. And then here is where the magic happens.

You're going to use all that information that you recorded in the worksheet about what happened before, during, and after, to determine what went well, what didn't go well, what changes that you want to implement or try to make adjustments to the next time. 

So, the last three pieces are the most important because now you're able to take all that information before, during, and after. What happened, what was going on, what were you feeling, what was the situation, exactly what happened, and you're able to take that. And then you always want to start with the win.

WIN. What I nailed is what I call it. What I nailed, WIN. There is always something that went well or positive in the experience. This could be simply that you paused just a little bit longer before you unleashed. It could be that you took a moment to think through, but your nervous system was still just too activated.

But maybe you took that moment, maybe you tried to do some box breathing. Whatever that is. Um, you know, maybe you took a moment and actually noticed and felt the emotions in your body, or you changed a little bit, how you presented it to your partner. Write any of those wins. What I nailed that come to mind.

It's really important that you celebrate and recognize small progress, because also when you're in this, you're going to get that big overwhelming feeling of, ugh. See, I was jealous again. Here we go. I did my thing. We're fighting. You know, we had an argument. It sucked.

That event sucked. I ruined it. Or that thing. It is really important that you take the time to recognize the wins because then you can actually see what's working and do more of it. Now we are going to go to the next one, WTF, what things flopped. 'cause the best way to make improvements in the future is getting really clear on what contributed to the negative parts.

That happened this time. So I gave you a lot of space in this section in the worksheet. It's not about you beating yourself up or feeling bad about all the stuff that you did, but you do want to take note because this is going to help you become aware of opportunities for you to make different choices in the future.

And then the last one, This is the section that is going to drive growth for you. the fix the future implementation of X, whatever that is for you. So for example, next time. I'll make the choice to do breathing exercises before responding to the situation.

Write as many things as you would like. As many things as you feel like, oh, I see where I could have done something different here. I'm going to write it down so that I can try to implement it next time. And you might not be able to do, you might come up with five to 10 things, or maybe just three that you feel like you see the opportunity to do something different.

You might not do all three or all five or all 10 then next time, but you're going to keep that list. Oh, this I can see right here. I actually had a choice here. And I actually thought about it. So maybe if I would've kept going with that thought process, it would've been different. So

 I just wanted to share this with you. I'm telling you, it will make a major difference if you take the time, if you do the action, you just hearing me walk through the worksheet is probably not going to make. Big changes in your jealousy. So go download the worksheet, go to topself.com/evaluation or you can snag it from the link in the show notes.

I hope this helps you. Feel free to email me, let me know if you're using the worksheet, you know, any aha moments that you found using the worksheet. I'd love to hear 'em. I'm so glad to be back doing this mini solo episode for you. So many more to come in the future. Love hanging out with you.

Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.