Is This What You Needed To Hear EP 118

[00:00:00] Welcome back to another episode of Top Self. I am confidence in pattern transformation expert Shanenn Bryant. And if this is your first episode today, uh, wow.

Shanenn Bryant: You are in for it. If you just found the podcast, this is, um. A great episode to start with, and if you have been with me for a long time, I just want to say thank you so much for going along this journey with me and for pressing play each and every week. So, I do want to give a bit of a trigger warning here before we begin a little heads up that this episode speaks directly to the experience of childhood trauma.

 that includes emotional neglect, abuse, addiction, and, um, all of that. so, if you are listening on your commute to work. Or you're at work or you're already a little tender today; this probably is not the episode for you right now. You might want to find something else that's a little bit more upbeat.

This probably isn't that episode, and you can come back to it at a later time when you're feeling a little bit more strong or you're not in an environment. Um, that you would want to maybe get emotional, but this also isn't an episode designed to retraumatize.

It's meant to give you something that

you may have never received, and that is acknowledgement language. Peace. I know that there's a weight that you've been carrying around for so long and you might not even know it's there anymore, but we know that it's showing up in your relationships. It's showing up in how fast your heart starts racing.

If somebody's upset with you or your need to fix everything, or fear of being too much or not enough, which I cannot tell you how often that comes up. In one-on-one coaching where we have both of those completely opposite things of, I'm too much and I'm not enough, and we have both of those thoughts and feelings going on at the same time.

 it might be your inability to relax even when there's nothing wrong, even when immediately, right now. Nothing has gone wrong. Nothing is going wrong, but you're still feeling very anxious and you're feeling unsettled

and you just can't relax.

[00:03:00] And you might think with all of those things going on that this is just how I am, but it is not who you are. It is who you have become. And I want you to write that down. I want you to really hear it because it's such an important statement. It is. This is not who you are. It is who you have become.

And in this work, when you're trying to get over these. These, um, childhood traumas, this generational trauma, perhaps it's very important that you realize that because if you're trying to go through this and make changes, but the belief is this is who I am. And you don't understand that these are patterns that you've created and unhealthy patterns that you're now in, it's going to be a lot harder.

It's going to be [00:04:00] a much bigger uphill climb. And maybe that's where you've been,

if you've been looking at this like it, oh, it's so big and it's never going to change. And because it's just who I am. No, it is not who you are. It's just. Who you've become.

So, I wanna talk about trauma because most of us have it. And if you're listening to this podcast, you may have had a lot of it, when most people hear the word trauma, they think of it like they think it only counts if there was violence or tragedy or chaos. But trauma isn't about what happened to you.

It's about what happened inside of you because of what happened around you. It's not what happened to you, it's about how it happened inside of you, the way that you processed the things going on around you. It's the moments when your needs were invisible, [00:05:00] when you were left with really big feelings and no one noticed.

That's all trauma. When love had conditions, when survival meant shrinking or shutting down, or staying hyper aware of, you know, everyone else's mood. That's trauma.

And when no one helps you process it, it stays. It stays in our body, and it grows, and then it gets passed down from generation to generation. And we've talked a couple times on this podcast about generational trauma. I think I'm gonna do a couple more episodes. I think it's so important, 

But generational trauma is what happens when this unhealthy pain becomes part of your parenting style. 

When your caregiver's wounds then become your wiring because maybe your grandma shut down emotionally because of her trauma, so then maybe your mom didn't know how to be emotionally present for you 

.[00:06:00] 

And so now you don't know how to feel safe in love or trust your own needs. 

and it's not about blame. It's about the chain. It's not about blame; it's about the chain. and this comes up as well in coaching. Where someone might now have a really great relationship with their parents, or you know, their mom or their dad, and they're like, oh, 

 I don't wanna say that this is what is upsetting for me, or what happened to me, because I don't want to blame them. I don't want to say that this is their fault and that's okay. Because you're saying, oh, they were just doing the best they could. Yes, maybe. So that's, yes, of course they learned what got passed on to them.

But it doesn't change what happened in you because of that situation or that environment, or however it was. I hear it so much. My mom did. You know the best that she could being a single mom. She, you know, raised us the best she could. I get it a hundred percent, I'm sure, but it doesn't make that not traumatizing.

It doesn't make it not have trauma there. It doesn't change how you processed as a child, and so we're not blaming them.

But we do have to acknowledge it so that we understand that point about it isn't who we are, it's who we have become. And now you might be the first one. You might be the first brave enough one to try and break it.

But you have to understand and know it's not who I am because 

 Remember, you're not born with generational trauma. Remember we talk about the three imprint elements. That's how patterns are formed, what we, what we witness, what we hear, and what we experience.

And you didn't have that when you were first born, but as time went on, maybe your mom or your dad or whomever.

They had generational trauma and you've heard things, you experienced things. You witnessed things for yourself. And then that created. Now what is your trauma? What is in you that you have become?

And this was really big in my relationship with my dad because I was so angry. I just wanted to blame everything on him because that is where I knew that it started. He was an alcoholic. It was very violent and chaotic, and that caused me a lot of anxiety.

It caused a lot of issues for me. Created a lot of trauma in me as a child, and then a lot of unhealthy patterns as an adult. But then I had to go, well, he was an alcoholic for a reason, like something. Happened to make him become an alcoholic. The way he processed something, what he witnessed, what he heard, what he saw, excuse me, what he experienced.

[00:09:00] So, it's very important to know that we're not blaming, it's not about blame, it's about the chain and, and.

when it comes to trauma, generational trauma, one thing I do wanna mention there is what's called the ACEs test or Adverse Childhood Experience Test. And it's a 10 question like screening tool and to ask you some simple questions like, um. You know, did a parent or caregiver in your home ever swear at you or insult you or put you down?

Um, was there anyone in your home who was mentally ill or depressed or suicidal? Was there domestic violence? were you ever touched inappropriately or made to feel unsafe? And so, it goes through like these 10 questions, and each Yes is one point. And people with a score of four or more are at a significantly higher risk for depression, heart disease, substance abuse, self-harm, not because they're weak, but because their nervous system has been high on high alert since childhood.

that test, it isn't designed to like diagnose you, it just reveals like how much of this you've carried. So, if you're interested in knowing a little bit more about the ACEs test, you can go listen to episode 20 of this podcast with Candace, Allie, 

She is the CEO of Trauma Resource Network, and she talks about the ACEs test on that episode. There's also a link in that episode's show notes where you can go and take the ACEs test or you can just Google it. it's super easy to find and if you wanna take that, great.

But. If we say then that trauma can be passed down, then so can the healing.

[00:11:00] You don't have to repeat what you, what you came from. You don't have to do that again. You also don't have to wait for that person, for that. Someone to say words that you needed back then,

like an apology. That was something. Big that I always thought I needed from my dad. I needed him to take accountability. I needed him to realize what he did. I needed him to say sorry and more than once, but I needed him to say that I felt like I thought I needed all of that from him in order to move on, in order to heal, in order to get past it.

But I didn't. There are so many other ways that I was able to get that without the apology necessarily directly from him. And that is what this episode is for, to give a voice to the apology that you never got, but you always deserved.

 So, this next part is for you. If you're waiting for that apology, for that acknowledgement, for those words that have never come or not enough or not sincere enough, let this be a stand-in. So, when we go through this, I'm not speaking to you as the person who hurt you, but I hope that you will hear it as if it's from them, from that caregiver, that parent, that stepparent, foster, parent, uncle, whomever was supposed to protect you, but.

Couldn't or didn't. and if you've been holding onto pain that never got seen, I hope that this helps you release it. 

so, before we move to that, I wanna explain where this came from. My husband and I, we recently went to a couples retreat or a couples summit, and that's not something that we would really normally do, but there is was someone in our community who we really respect and. Ed Admire and they were hosting it, so we wanted to go and support and, you know, just see what we would learn.

And at the end they read a version of what I'm going to read to you today. I couldn't find it anywhere to give proper acknowledgement to, you know, who wrote it. Um, I could not, I did my best to try to find it. I haven't been able to, so I kind of knew enough or got the gist enough, 

 So, I recreated it on my own and added some of my own things that just in doing some coaching and getting the emails and the feedback that I get, that I know.

Are causing you pain that I know 

you might be struggling with or had struggled with as a child and maybe the thing that 

[00:14:00] you needed to hear. So, I hope I'm gonna be able to provide that for you today. so, what I thought I would do is turn my camera off for this part because I don't want you to be distracted.

By the video, 

So again, I hope that you'll listen to this as if it is from that person that you needed to hear this from. So, if you've been holding on to pain that never got seen, I hope this helps release it and I hope that this is what you needed to hear.

If I made you feel like you were a burden instead of a blessing, I am so sorry if I stayed in bed instead of getting up to help you get ready for school. If I missed your games, your recitals, your life. Because I was too tired, too checked out, or too lost. I am [00:15:00] so sorry if I cared more about my next drink than your next meal.

Shanenn Bryant: I am so sorry if I turned away when you needed to be held. I am so sorry.

If I criticized your body, your weight, your clothes, your choices, if I made you feel like you were never enough or always too much, I am so sorry if I shamed you for being sensitive. I am sorry.

I didn't protect you from him or from her. I am so sorry 

If I knew something was wrong and didn't stop it. I am so sorry

If I used silence as punishment. If I gave you the cold shoulder instead of comfort, I am so sorry

If I made you feel like love had to be earned. I am so sorry if you had to be the adult in our house. If I used guilt to control you. I am so sorry if I cried to you instead of being strong for you. If I ever said, you're just like your father or just like your mother, and meant it like a curse, I am so sorry if you never felt safe telling me the truth.

I am so sorry

If I rolled my eyes when you cried. If I told you to get over it. I am so sorry

If I made your pain about me. If I blamed you for my sadness. I am so sorry if I made you grow up too fast. If I made you take care of and worry about things you were too young to have to do, I am so sorry

If I never let you rest or be messy or be real. I am so sorry

If I raised my voice more than I raised your confidence. I am so sorry if I called you names instead of calling you in if I made you afraid of me. If I slammed doors or threw things or hit. I am so sorry

If you had to hide in your room until I calmed down. I am so sorry

If I exposed you to things. You were too young to see if I brought strangers around. That scared you. I am so sorry

If you watched me hurt someone you loved and didn't know what to do. I am so sorry

If I never told you I was proud of you. If I never told you I loved you. I am so sorry.

If I told you to stop crying when you were just trying to feel, if I dismissed your ideas, if I told you to toughen up when you were hurting, I am so sorry

if I acted like your dreams were silly, if I mocked you instead of mentoring you. I taught you that anger was the only safe emotion. I [00:20:00] am so sorry

If I wasn't there when you needed me the most. If I made you earn every ounce of approval.

I am so sorry.

If I told you you'll never be good enough and you believed me, I am so sorry if I made you question your worth. I am so sorry

If I walked out when you were begging me to stay. I am so sorry if I chose Addiction Over connection. I am so sorry and if I gave you [00:21:00] everything except my presence. I am so sorry.

And if you're still here, still listening, still breathing through that, please know this. What you feel is valid. That weight you carried, it wasn't yours to carry in the first place. You can put it down. You don't need their permission to heal anymore. You just needed to be seen to be heard. To finally hear, I'm sorry.

And now you have until next time. Take care and remember, you're not alone.