Is Alcohol Making Your Jealousy Worse EP 122

Welcome back to another episode of Top Self, I am your host Shannon Bryant and today we are talking about alcohol. And not in a preachy way, not in a you need to get sober way, but in a real way. Because I have noticed this pattern with so many women that I work with and men.

And honestly, in my own life too.

It's this thing where alcohol becomes not necessarily a problem, but we try to use it as a solution. A solution to anxiety, a solution to our jealousy, a solution to that voice in your head that never seems to shut up.

you're telling you you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough, or whether he's actually going to text you back. I am not here to tell you that having a glass of wine or having drinks makes you an alcoholic is a bad thing. I'm not necessarily going to tell you how horrible it is for your body. We're gonna touch on it a little bit. I'm no doctor. I don't think it takes a rocket science to...

I don't think it takes a genius to figure it out, but that's not really what this episode is about. I'm not here to talk to you about, but I am here to talk to you about what happens when that glass of wine becomes the thing that's standing between you and actually feeling your feelings.

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And I said, I am not here to preach to you. I'm not here to tell you it's right or it's wrong. I have certainly had my fair share of drinks, although I don't really do it too often anymore. that hasn't always been the case for sure. However, what I do know and what I remember and what I see today is the added problems there can be.

when we drink. Here's what I've learned that because because here's what I've learned. Most of us aren't drinking because we have a drinking problem.

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Because here's what I've learned. Most of us aren't drinking because...

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Here's what I've learned. You're not necessarily drinking because you have an alcohol problem.

you're drinking because we have a feeling problem and nobody ever taught us how to sit with uncomfortable emotions without needing to like turn the volume down on it. That's not something that we were really taught in school of like, Hey, I have to sit with my emotions and I have to figure out how to work through these emotions. And the other part of that is you may have in

Like in my case, I had a father who was an alcoholic. I saw a lot of that. it also remember that imprint elements, remember the imprint elements, how patterns are formed, what you witness, what you consistently witness here and experience. And so if I'm constantly witnessing somebody dealing with their problems by drinking alcohol.

If I'm constantly seeing somebody deal with their problems by drinking alcohol, well then yes, I may also take on that pattern that hey, when I'm feeling bad, when I'm feeling anxious, when I'm feeling these things, drink alcohol. Right? And

Feeling those feelings, especially if you've got really deep rooted, big trauma, even little trauma. but if you've got trauma that you're dealing with that, those are, those are hard emotions to feel. That's tough stuff to go through. And the thing we want to do is like, how can I turn this down? I don't want to experience this. I don't want to feel it.

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But then also sometimes we use it to lean into those feelings. We're going to talk about that too. So if you have ever found yourself reaching for a drink when you're anxious, when you're in your head about your relationship, when you feel like you're spiraling, this episode is for you. And if you're listening to this with a drink in your hand right now,

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That's totally fine too. There's no judgment here.

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totally fine too. There's no judgment here. Let's just get real about what's actually happening.

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So let me paint you a picture and tell me if this sounds familiar. So let me paint you a picture and tell me if this sounds familiar. You're getting ready for date night. You're already feeling a little off because he or she was maybe kind of short with you earlier and you can't tell if they're stressed about work or if they're just pulling away.

You know that feeling where your stomach is doing that anxious twist thing, but you can't quite put your finger on it. You can't quite figure out like, why? What's off? Why am I feeling this way? So you're putting on your makeup or you're getting ready and you're trying to look like you're not spiraling internally. And you think, you know what? I'm just going to have, you know what? I'm just going to have a glass of wine while I get ready.

to take the edge off. And it works. The wine quiets that voice that's been running that commentary all day long about whether something's wrong, whether you did something, whether they're losing interest. Suddenly, you can actually focus on your mascara instead of analyzing the text for three hours.

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You also may feel like, gosh, you know, I'm feeling more open, more relaxed. So you go to dinner. You order another glass of wine because the first one made you feel so much better, made you almost feel normal. And I, I remember this very, very distinctly, especially as I was getting to the point where I was like, you know what? I'm going to start removing.

alcohol as much as possible from my life and just see how I deal with this. Like what is different? And I definitely remember thinking about when I would drink alcohol, there was a point and it didn't happen every time, but sometimes where, you know, as I met, like I would start to feel normal and normal in the sense of,

I can actually like joke around about other women like in a like, it doesn't bother me. Or maybe we could watch something that was a little bit more risque or just the conversation might be lighter in terms of jealousy. Like I wouldn't be feeling quite as jealous until, right? Until

it wasn't light anymore and that becomes the problem. So like yourself,

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but then somewhere between the second and third glass of wine, something shifts and maybe your partner brings something up that you weren't...

Maybe you bring something up that you weren't planning to bring up. Maybe you ask a question that comes out the wrong way. Maybe you just say too much and you get that look. You know, the one, the look that says like, where did this come from? Like, I can tell this is there's an argument coming. I don't want to answer these questions. Or maybe your partner says something where as.

If you were sober, wouldn't have been a big deal, but third glass of wine, it strikes something in you. And suddenly you're not so chill anymore. That fun version of yourself gone.

Now you're the anxious, slightly now drunk version of yourself and that's somehow, and that is worse than being just anxious because then a lot can happen in that conversation where 10 minutes ago it was okay. Or if your partner has.

gotten hip to this cycle of yours, they know not to fall into that trap. They know not to get too comfortable in those conversations. So they, mean, I remember that's how, you know, my partner would look at me like, you are acting like you're okay with this. You're talking like you're okay with this. I can hear you though, prompting me like asking questions that I know are going to lead to nowhere good.

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And that was the truth. That's what actually would happen. So then of course you wake up the next morning and the anxiety is not only still there, but now it's got company, shame, regret, the awful feeling of not being able to trust yourself and thinking, my gosh, like all the stuff that I said, and now my partner's angry at me. This is what I see over and over and over again.

We use alcohol to manage our emotions that feel too big, too scary, or too much.

But what we don't realize is that we're not actually managing them. We're just postponing them and not only that, we're making them worse. And here's the thing that nobody talks about. When you consistently use alcohol to cope with anxiety or jealousy or any difficult emotion, you are essentially training your brain that you can't handle.

these feelings sober. You've actually created evidence for your own incompetence in this area. Like you're telling your brain, Hey, when I'm starting to feel these feelings, go to this thing, use this tool because I can't handle them. And what starts to happen over time, just like anything we get into these patterns. If you think about it.

Every time you reach for a drink instead of sitting with the discomfort, you're sending yourself a message. This feeling is too much for you. You need help to get through this. And after enough times, that becomes your truth.

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But it gets worse because alcohol doesn't just numb the bad feelings, it numbs all the feelings. So you start to lose touch with your with your actual like

my gosh, I'm-

Okay.

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I don't know if you all saw that, but there was a fly that just landed on me. gross. Okay.

This is the, this is the problem with letting the dog in and out. But, so let me think what I was, thinking. yeah. After like enough times.

It starts to numb all of the feelings. So it starts to numb all the feeling. It starts to numb all of the feelings. So you start to lose touch with your actual like emotional landscape. You, you don't know if you're genuinely happy or you're just buzzed. You don't know if your anxiety is real or if it's just coming from, you know, coming down.

from last night's drinks. And you kind of become this stranger to yourself where it's like, I don't even know how I would respond to a situation normally.

And then we wonder why we feel insecure in our relationships. Why we don't trust our own instincts. Why we feel

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why we feel.

why we feel disconnected from our own lives. And yes, there's a reason initially for the anxiety and for some of those other things, but it just adds fuel to the fire. And the men and women that I work with tell me things like, I don't know who I am when I'm sober or

a lot of time or I don't know how to relax without having a glass of wine or without having something. I need a drink to be social. I hear that one a lot too. I'm better in social situations when I'm drinking. And what they're really saying is I've forgotten how to be with myself.

And that's so heartbreaking.

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I kind of remember going through, I remember going through this phase when I was phasing alcohol out of my life. And I do have this thought of, I need to watch it. I probably should have been more careful when I was younger. Thankfully, it didn't turn into anything more, but I certainly have that history in my background. And I certainly...

used alcohol in certain situations like I'm describing when I was, you know, like I'm describing and

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I remember those first times of like, ugh, this is really hard and-

I'm not going to use the crutch. I'm not going to go to the thing and just see what happens. And it was amazing. It was great. It was hard. A little bit the first few times. really. It was hard the first few times, but it was very interesting. And so we get to that like, I've totally forgotten. And so we can really get like that where it's like,

Where it's like I've forgotten how to be myself. How to be WITH myself. And that's super heartbreaking. Because you don't need fixing. You just need to remember that you're actually capable of so much more than you realize. You are actually capable, very capable, of going through these emotions and getting through them.

So let's talk about like what this is actually costing you. And I want to start with some science because there's some stuff, there's some stuff here that might surprise you.

So we say a lot like, I need need alcohol to relax. Maybe it'll help you sleep better. Well, here's what's actually happening. Well, here's what's actually happening. A massive systematic review that looked at 27 different studies found that even just two drinks, what most of us would consider told like a total normal amount significantly.

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significantly reduces your REM sleep. And the more you drink, the worse it gets. Now, why does this matter? REM sleep is where your brain processes emotions and consolidates memories. It's literally where you make sense of your day and file away your experiences. So when you drink to take the edge off,

after a stressful day, or you're feeling jealous, you are actually preventing your brain from properly processing that stress. It doesn't go away, it just gets stuck in your system unprocessed.

There's also this incredible study called the Whitehall II study.

There's also this incredible study called I think like the Whitehall 2 study that followed people for 30 years. 30 years. And they found that people who drank heavily had consistently worse sleep patterns and were more likely to wake up multiple times during the night.

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And you don't even realize that your sleep is disrupted. So you might feel like you slept fine, but your brain knows. Your nervous system knows. And that's why you wake up feeling emotionally raw even after what seemed like maybe a good night's sleep. I really crashed. I zonked out because I had that alcohol. slept really well. Now my guess is you know you're not sleeping well because you're probably waking up around 3 AM.

But I think the biggest, like if you're not worried just in general about your sleep, think about it as you cannot process your emotions. Like your brain isn't going through that process. And that's a problem. It's getting stuck there. It's getting stuck in your nervous system. So of course you're going to feel more anxious. So let's talk about anxiety because this is where it gets really interesting.

There's research that's showing us that relationship between alcohol and anxiety is way more complex than we thought. most people, anxiety comes first and then they start using alcohol to cope with it. But here's the thing, alcohol might give you that temporary relief. We talked about it like, I'm feeling a little bit better. This feels pretty good. I'm actually loosening up.

but it's actually making your anxiety worse in the long run.

So imagine if your anxiety is a fire and alcohol is like throwing water on it. It might sizzle and seem to go out for a minute, but underneath the ambers, right, are still there. Embers, ambers, I always say that wrong. And when the alcohol wears off, that fire comes back even stronger. So your anxiety is going to ramp up.

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And you know this to be true because not only is it just in general causing anxiety,

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Because alcohol actually uses up and reduces the neurotransmitters in your brain that you need to ward off anxiety and depression. So the more you drink to cope with anxiety, the less equipped your brain becomes to handle the anxiety naturally. So not only is just that going on in general, but then you add my guess is whatever you did, whatever your little sassy butt did.

When you were drinking, whatever you said, whatever you did, whatever text you sent, whatever phone calls you made, whatever that was that you did, now you're feeling anxious about that. Now you're feeling guilty about that. Now you're feeling shame about that and you probably pissed some people off along the way, including your partner, which now you're upset about that, which is causing anxiety.

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So then that shame spiral...

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comes in and this is huge and most people have no idea. And this is huge. There's a ton of research showing that shame proneness is directly linked to problematic alcohol use where guilt proneness actually protects.

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So there's research showing that shame proneness is directly linked to problematic alcohol use, while guilt proneness actually protects against it. So what's the difference? Shame is, I am bad and guilt is, I did something bad. So shame is about your identity. Guilt is about your behavior.

When you use alcohol to cope and then feel bad about it, if you're thinking, I'm such a mess, I can't control myself, I always do this, I'm such a horrible person, why would they want to date me? I've done all these things. That's shame. And shame actually predicts more alcohol use in the future. It's a vicious cycle. You feel anxious or overwhelmed.

You drink to cope. You feel ashamed about drinking and all the stuff that you did. And then you drink more to cope with the shame.

Studies showed that shame is associated with increased impulsivity and less ability to control your drinking behavior.

So it's a little bit different if people who experience guilt are like I made a poor decision instead of I'm a disaster. They're more likely to take constructive action to address the problem.

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And I can remove all that because I should just stop with the other part.

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The whole shame thing will keep you stuck. Like that is what keeps you like a hamster on a wheel. Just constant. I'm doing the same thing. I'm doing the same thing. I'm doing the same thing. I'm doing the same thing. You might, you know, jump off for a second and go get some water. Like, I'm doing good for a minute. And then, I'm feeling this feeling. And I.

I've been programming my body and my brain and my nervous system to think that I can't handle it. So then you drink and you just get back right into this cycle. And of course that's going to cause damage on your relationship.

This is where it gets really real. When you consistently use alcohol to manage those difficult emotions, you're not just numbing the bad stuff. You're numbing your ability to connect authentically.

with other people.

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You're not just numbing the bad stuff. Think about how many important conversations have you had while drinking? How many times have you needed a glass of wine to be yourself or to bring that up around your partner? How many times have you said things that you didn't mean? Or you couldn't say things that you did mean? I'm not saying it right. I'm not getting my point across. Because alcohol was doing the talking.

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And sometimes then the partner, your partner gets to know the wine you and not the real you.

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And so then we wonder why we feel insecure in our relationship.

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This is where, we do coaching together, if we did coaching together, if you're a one-on-one client, we talk about this a lot because this is where it's like you're abandoning yourself. You continue to abandon yourself, which is why you have this big, huge fear of abandonment, like why that cycle keeps going. Maybe not how it originally got there, but why that cycle keeps going.

because the thing that we're the most fearful of is usually the thing that we're doing to ourselves. So when you go for that drink, like when you have the big emotion, when something happens that gets you that feeling, I know that sick stomach feeling that you get, the heart racing, whatever it is, they didn't text you last night when they were out with the guys or she didn't...

text you good morning when she normally does or there's a new coworker that started whatever, whatever that big emotion is.

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When you go for alcohol to get through that emotion, it all goes back to you're just training yourself like I'm going to abandon you. And if you, I'm going to abandon you, you yourself, I'm abandoning you and going for this other thing because you can't, you can't handle it.

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and enhance the continued abandonment issues that you have.

And you do that for so long that you don't even know who you are anymore.

Every time you choose to numb instead of feel, you're eroding your trust in yourself. You're literally training yourself to believe that you can't handle your own emotions without help. That you're too much, that you're too sensitive, you're too intense, you're too whatever.

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What you're really doing is confirming to yourself that your natural state is unacceptable. That you need to be altered. That maybe you need to be altered to be tolerated. And that's a lie.

but it's a lie that gets stronger every time you reach for a drink instead of reaching for your own inner resources.

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And you know what the crazy part about this is, is you probably give amazing advice to your friends. You probably show up for other people when they're struggling. probably have incredible emotional intelligence and intuition, but you've convinced yourself that none of that applies when it comes to handling your own feelings. And I want to...

talk about this for just a second. I like, really want you to think about this because I hear it so much. Like I am the person that my friends come to or I'm really good when my friends come to me and give them advice. And I feel like it's really sound advice and it's so crystal clear to me. But then when it comes to you, you don't trust that advice.

you think it's different in some way. Like, I give really good advice over here. I've got my head on straight over here with my friend's situation. But when it comes to me, I just, I have no idea. I can't handle it. I don't know.

That's what alcohol as emotional coping does.

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That's what alcohol as emotional coping does. It makes you forget that you're actually really capable.

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If I, I want you to imagine what it would feel like to trust yourself completely. Like imagine it's Friday night, your boyfriend texts, your husband texts that he's going to go out with his friends and you feel that familiar flutter of anxiety in your stomach. But instead of immediately thinking, I need my glass of wine or I need my drink. You pause.

You sit with that feeling for a minute. You breathe into it. You get curious about it instead of trying to make it go away.

And you realize, this isn't really about him going out. This is about me. This is about feeling.

This anxiety isn't even really about our relationship. It's all past stuff.

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Realizing that, you text him back and say, have fun.

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Can we check in when you get home? And he writes back, of course.

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You could even say, Hey, I have feelings about this. Can we talk about them? Not a wine blurred conversation where you're not even sure if what you're saying is what you mean. That happens so much. Like, I don't know. I can't even get across what I mean because of course my brain cannot process it. It's hard enough when it comes to jealousy and insecurity to really figure out what's behind it anyway. And then if you add.

alcohol on top of it, it makes it worse.

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So yes, it's uncomfortable at first, but then you can actually start practicing this. You can actually go, Hey, I'm going to see how this feels to just feel the emotion to get through this without having to reach for a drink.

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And guess what? You wake up Saturday morning and your brain is clear, not just hangover free, but actually clear. You can think through whatever was going on. You can think through the issue. If there was something you can handle it with a clear mind and you made decisions based on what you actually want instead of what wine you thought was a good idea.

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And you start to remember who you actually are. You remember that you're funny without needing liquid courage. You remember that you're smart and intuitive and capable of handling whatever comes up. You remember that your emotions, even the difficult ones, are actually information. They're information that you can use. They're trying to tell you something important.

You stop being afraid of your own feelings because you know you can handle them.

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And that is only going to improve the relationship.

The version of you that can sit with this discomfort and talk through it. The version of you that trusts herself enough to say what she means and means what she says. The version of you that's magnetic, not because you're perfect, but because you're real. Because you're present. Because you're not constantly trying to escape from yourself. That's the version.

that you're gonna love, that your partner's gonna love.

It's, and it doesn't mean that you can't ever drink, right? but.

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It's really great when you can start to practice handling, it's really great when you can start to practice handling these emotions, handling these emotions on your own.

You can trust your sensitivity. You don't need to be less emotional. You need to trust your emotions.

Because here's what I know about you. You're already way more capable than you realize. You just forgot because you've been outsourcing your emotional regulation to something else outside of you or someone else. You've always outsourcing it to your partner, to alcohol, to friends.

your wisdom, your intuition, your ability to handle whatever comes up. It's all still there. Just waiting for you to remember it, to practice it will be there. So how do we actually do this? How do we break the pattern of reaching for alcohol every time we get uncomfortable? I'm going to give you some really practical tools. Again, I need to say this.

Again, it's not about ever not drinking again. I am not a professional at how to stop drinking. That's not what I'm trying to get you to do necessarily. I'm just explaining like, Hey, can we start to practice this and see how we can get through our emotions without having to feel like we have to escape them? Because I want you to realize that

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You're the best thing that's ever happened to you. Like you've got your own back and I want you to think that every single time. So before you reach for the beer or the wine or the spirits or whatever, pause and ask yourself three questions. What am I feeling right now? What am I hoping this drink will do for me?

What will I need to feel safe enough to sit with this feeling for more than 5 minutes? That's it. You don't have to change anything. You don't have to not drink necessarily. Just get conscious first about what's driving the desire. Sometimes the answer to the question is going to be nothing.

I just want to drink because it tastes good and I'm celebrating. Great. Okay. Have a drink. Most likely that's not the case. I think there's always argument there of like whether alcohol actually tastes good. We don't know. Who knows? Some people will say yes. Some people will say no and still drink it. But sometimes the answer is going to be, I want to stop feeling anxious about whatever it is or

I want to feel loosened up so I don't get jealous in this situation. When that happens, OK, you have information now. You know what you're really dealing with. And when you identify that you're trying to escape a feeling, get curious about it instead of trying to make it go away immediately.

Where do you feel it in your body? This is always a good one. Is it tight in your chest? Is it in your jaws? Is fluttering in your stomach? Is it all three?

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What does it remind you of?

When have you felt this before?

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What is this feeling trying to tell you? What does it need you to know? That's my favorite one. What does it need you to know?

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There's been research that shows that people who can identify and name their emotions specifically are better at regulating them and they're less likely to use substances to cope.

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So your feelings aren't random. They're information. Anxiety is often about something you care about. Jealousy is often about something that you value. Anger is often about a boundary that's been crossed. So pick one situation where you would normally drink and commit to doing it sober just once.

At least just try it once as an experiment. This coming weekend, maybe you have a date night, maybe it's a girls night, maybe your partner is going out, maybe it's a work happy hour thing and you get uncomfortable feeling social, whatever it is, just try it. I'm not asking you to never drink. In these situations again, I'm just saying, maybe experiment. Collect data about

what it's like to be fully present for your own life, for you. What feels different?

Were the things that were harder, were the things that were easier? A lot of people are shocked that they're actually more fun, more interesting, more themselves when they're sober. They just forgot because they got so used to thinking that they needed alcohol to be liked. They needed alcohol to get through situations.

If alcohol has been your go-to emotional regulation tool,

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We need to give you some new tools. You need to try some new tools. And the first thing is, can I be there for myself? Like let me try to practice being there for myself and going through the hard thing. How do I deal with this that they haven't text back?

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How do I deal with this that they never text back? They went out for guys night or girls night and they didn't text me.

Holy shit, how am going to handle this without drinking? So instead of grabbing the bottle of wine and calling your friend in a total panic and keeping them up all night, what would it be like?

to handle it yourself. Like ask yourself, what would I need right now to feel safe, to feel secure, to calm myself down? What do I need from me? Not anyone else. What do I need from me? What can I do for me to calm myself down, to work through this, to feel uncomfortable? And sometimes it ends up just this. Like, and sometimes it ends up just that. This feels like...

Crap. We say sit in the suck. Sometimes you just have to sit in the suck. Try it without a glass in your hand. Just see.

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And if you're used to, you know, drinking multiple times a week or something, when this happens, definitely seek professional help of like, okay, how do I, you know, back this down, but start small, but start small. Maybe it's just one alcohol free night a week or whatever it is. or maybe it's, Hey, I'm going to switch my second drink to water. So I'm going to have one and then I'm going to go to water.

The goal isn't to be perfect here. The goal is building evidence that you can handle your emotions without alcohol.

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And of course this isn't work you have to do alone. There are a lot of things. If alcohol really seems to be a problem for you, like worse than, I'm just kind of using it when I'm feeling uncomfortable. you know, go online, research. are plenty of things to help you. if it's just like, oh, it's because of this jealousy thing and maybe I just need support and some tools and some techniques about how do I...

start to trust myself. How do I get through this myself? I am here and happy to help. Feel free to schedule your 30. Feel free to schedule a 30 minute discovery call. We can talk about what your main struggles are and if there's a way I can help, we can talk about how I can help as well.

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Every time you choose to be real instead of numb, you're doing something really brave. So celebrate it. You made it through a difficult conversation. That's huge. You felt anxious and didn't immediately reach for the alcohol. That's progress. You woke up Saturday morning remembering everything from Friday night. Even if it was like, even if you still got jealous. Okay.

But you remembered everything. That's worth acknowledging. We are so quick to beat ourselves up for the times that we don't do it perfectly, but we hardly ever celebrate the times that we do. So practice it. Hopefully you will have some, some successes. And here's what I want you to take away from this episode using alcohol. And here's what I want you

And here's what I want you to take away from this episode. Using alcohol to cope with difficult emotions isn't some moral failing. It's not a character flaw. It's a strategy that made sense, that has made sense over time, but maybe it is not serving you anymore. You're not weak for wanting to escape difficult feelings. Nobody likes them. You're human.

But you're also more capable of handling those feelings than you realize.

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Your feelings aren't your enemy. They're actually your superpower. They're how you know what matters to you. What you need to do. What's working. What isn't working. But you can only access that information when you're sober enough to receive it. So if this episode resonated with you, here's what I want you to do. First, try the pause like just for a week.

Just one time, remove alcohol from the situation. See if you can do it on your own. You don't have to change anything else. Just get curious. What would it be like? And if you really want to dive into this work, the jealousy work, if you're tired of feeling like you can't trust yourself, if you want to break that cycle of using alcohol to cope, I-

have a few spots open in my coaching program. free again, discover, feel free again. can.

Feel free, again, feel free, again, you can schedule a free discovery call. Let's talk about the things. Let's see if I can help. You can find all the details in the show notes. You can find the link to schedule that in the show notes or on the website, topself.com.

But honestly, you already have everything you need inside of you. You just forget sometimes because you've been looking for answers outside yourself for so long. Your emotions aren't too much. You're not too sensitive.

Shanenn Bryant (50:59.18)

You just need to remember how powerful you actually are. Thank you so much for listening and as always remember you're not alone.