How To Keep Your Reactions From Being Bigger Than the Moment EP 127

[00:00:00] A while back I was at an event and there were some people that I knew, and of course a lot of people that I didn't know, and I was hanging out with a couple people that I hadn't seen in years, like probably 10 years at least. And something funny happened, I won't go into the details about like what it was because it's not important to the story, but something funny happened and I laughed out loud, but like.

Really, really loud and dramatic for whatever reason. I don't know, have you ever done that? Like it was like, it was funny, but not that funny and I have no idea why I did that, which just blah. Like I have no idea why my reaction was so extreme except for maybe I was feeling a bit insecure or trying to fit in too much, which.

I really try hard not to [00:01:00] do that in those situations because that is just like fueling the insecurities. I didn't spend too much time asking my brain like, why did you do that? Which is probably why I don't know the answer now of why I did it. But I, but my guess is just, you know, maybe I was feeling a bit out of place or just in my insecurities and I was trying to overcompensate, and it just came out with this big laugh.

Whatever the reason I felt so embarrassed and. You know how everyone else gets like really awkward too, so you know that they think that you, that that was overboard too. Anyway, it was just so uncomfortable. But we do the same thing in our relationships, but with negative emotions. You know those emotions that when you know something small happens in your relationship, a look, a pause, a comment, a delay.

[00:02:00] And suddenly your body is like having such a bigger reaction than the moment actually called for like your heart's racing. Your thoughts are spiraling, and it's like your whole nervous system is yelling like something's wrong. Fix it, get control. Say something, check something. It just freaks. Most likely.

This isn't just an occasional thing for you. On the negative emotion side, it's probably your default. You feel deeply and sometimes it feels like your emotions are running away from you, that you have no control or power over them, especially when it comes to, to jealousy, insecurity, or, and fear of losing someone.

So today I want to show you another way of being, not. A way of feeling less, but a way of [00:03:00] feeling more skillfully, a way of navigating the emotions without completely abandoning yourself. Because when we give our emotions away, we are essentially, we are essentially abandoning ourselves. But a way of processing emotions without becoming them, without it becoming our identity.

Because what we're going to talk about today isn't like emotional numbness. It's not about toughness. It's not pretending to be calm when you're really not. It's emotional agility. Then ultimately emotional expansion. And it's one of the most like powerful things you can develop in this process and throughout your journey and in your relationships.

So today we're going to, we're going into a deeper layer of emotional intelligence than we've probably covered before and going beyond just [00:04:00] managing jealousy into. How you can process your emotions without getting hijacked by them and really maybe more the importance of 'em. In this episode, I'm gonna walk you through what emotional agility really means, what it looks like to be emotionally expansive, why trust and confidence don't come from just this wishful thinking.

I know you have most likely experienced that. And then we'll talk a little bit about why real resilience is not just about being tough. I think we think that way. Like, oh, I've just gotta toughen up. But we're also gonna go into how to build these skills in real life because emotional intelligence isn't just a mindset.

It's something that you live and feel in your body. So welcome back to the Top Self Podcast. I'm your host Shanenn Bryant, and I'm so glad you're here. Let's [00:05:00] start with what emotional agility actually is. When I talk about emotional agility or when you hear people talk about emotional agility, I'm not talking about staying calm all the time.

I'm not talking about suppressing your feelings. I'm not talking about pretending to be okay when you're not. Emotional agility means you can feel your feelings; you can observe them; you can move through them without completely abandoning yourself in the process. It's more than just awareness. You need awareness and that's great, but it's more than that.

It's nervous system mastery, and it sounds like this. I feel fear in my belly and I'm still okay. I notice jealousy, but I don't need to [00:06:00] act on it right now. Like I notice, I'm feeling jealous, but I don't have to do anything right now. I'm overwhelmed, but I'm still connected to myself. I still can tell what's going on with me.

This is not emotional perfection. It's not about reacting the right way. It's about staying connected to who you are, even when your emotions are intense. That is emotional agility. So, we can't talk about it without talking about trust. And here's something that I tell my clients all the time, and you'll hear Brene Brown I think is really good about talking about this, but trust doesn't come from this wishful thinking like, oh, I wish I could trust more of my relationship.

I wish I could trust my partner more. It doesn't come from that. Trust comes from experience. You can want to trust yourself. You can say you trust yourself, but trust is earned inside [00:07:00] of you. One experience at a time. And again, we get so focused on like trying to trust our partner. It's just another way where we we're, we're going at things the wrong way.

When you're trying to manage your jealousy or learn how to do this, because in your mind and your conscious brain is saying, uhoh, the whole thing is I need to trust my partner more. No, no. You need to trust yourself more. It's the same with confidence. You don't just wake up confident. You build it by doing little things that show your nervous system, that show yourself, I can handle this.

That's why asking your friends what to do doesn't build self-trust. Getting reassurance from your partner doesn't build trust. [00:08:00] Avoiding the emotion entirely and go, oh, I hate that I'm this way. I hate that I'm feeling this way. Ugh. All of that. Having shame around it doesn't, definitely doesn't build trust.

Real self-trust comes from going out on a limb, making a decision, letting yourself feel the result. And knowing that you can process whatever happens, whatever comes your way, you can deal with it. That is how confidence and trust are really built. So, let's clear up some common misunderstandings that keep you, keep people stuck.

Number one, I wish I didn't feel so much. Like, oh, I don't want to have feelings. I hate it. What you're really saying is negative feelings, right? You don't feel too much. You feel deeply, and that's not a flaw. That's a, that's capacity. Emotions are [00:09:00] data, and the more skill you have, the more use you can make of them.

Number two. I just want to feel good and skip the bad stuff. I think we all want to do that. Like I'd rather feel good than bad, of course, but here's what I tell every client. Emotions don't work like some buffet. You can't load your plate up with joy and you know, skip over the fear and the pain and the discomfort.

They're all part of the same system. I remember a few years ago, actually, my, my husband and I were sitting in our backyard. We had the, um, you know, the fire pit and it's just where we live. It's so beautiful. There's nature everywhere and woods around, and we just have this really incredible view actually.

And we were sitting out back, and the stars are just like, they're out and it's such a beautiful [00:10:00] night. And I said to him. I mean, I remember this like it was yesterday. I said to him, we really need to soak in these moments. Like we really need to enjoy how things are right now. Because in my head I was thinking, you know, oh our, you know, we've got the dog and both of our, you know, both of his parents are alive.

And at that time, both of my parents were still alive. And you know, it just. We were in a really good space, and I remember thinking, we really need to hold onto this moment and really capture it. And remember this time, and I'll tell you, I'm so glad that I did because not maybe I think the next year, not even a year after that, my father passed away.

And then, as you know, um, Samson, our German Shepherd, who was only eight. Um. [00:11:00] He, he passed away in October of last year, and I, and I don't say that of like, oh, see, when you, when things are good, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to fall. It's not at all how I felt in that moment. It wasn't like, oh, we better really latch onto things now because things are gonna suck later.

It wasn't that way at all. It was, you know, I wasn't, it wasn't about waiting for the other shoe to fall. It was like really knowing. That. I wanna remember this. I wanna remember this feeling. I want to remember how joyful this feels. I wanna remember how incredibly lucky we are. Just all of that, and I am so glad I did so we can't just numb out one side without diluting the other.

The same systems that let you feel that peace and that connection and those [00:12:00] beautiful moments. It's also the one that registers fear and sadness, like we have to have both. So, if you want more joy, you have to build the capacity to hold the harder stuff too. So, number three, resilience means. Enduring suffering.

Another common, um, mistake that we, that we think no resilience is, is not, uh, stoicism, right? It's not just pushing through; it's not pretending that everything's fine when it's not. It's not this fake it till you make it type thing. I wanna share something that I learned directly from Rich Devinney.

He is, he wrote the book, the Attributes. He, um, you've gotta look up who he is. I'm not gonna go into the details. He's an amazing person. I was lucky enough to see him on stage. It was in Florida at a conference and I [00:13:00] purchased his audio book and the hard copy and I listened to the whole thing the whole way back from Florida and I was like; I have to interview this guy.

So, I did. I interviewed him. I had a chance to, to, to speak with him. And he talks about this in that book, the Attributes, and what he says is, most people confuse resilience with durability. Durability is about toughness, enduring pain, pretending again, everything's okay, keeping it all inside. But resilience, it means you feel it, you process it, you heal from it.

You learn from it. You grow from it, and you return to baseline. Resilient people don't just endure, they adapt. They prove to themselves again and again and again. I can handle this. I trust myself. I've got me. [00:14:00] So let's talk about one of the most powerful skills that you can learn, and that is naming the felt sensation.

This is so important. I, I mean, like, if you're, if you're multitasking, like, come back. I want you to hear this. So instead of saying, I'm jealous, I'm anxious, I'm insecure, because that feels more like identity and, and that you have no power over it. Try this. I feel heat inside my chest. My stomach feels tight, it feels queasy.

My throat is closing a little. Why does this matter? Because when you say, I am jealous, your brain hears identity. It thinks this is who I am. This is how I am; this is who I am. It keeps you stuck. It feels permanent, like unchangeable. But when you describe the physical sensation that you're [00:15:00] feeling, then you create a space between you and the emotion and that.

Gives you power. You stop becoming the emotion and you start being the person who is experiencing it. Oh, I'm feeling this. I'm navigating this. Here's a powerful reframe that I want you to think about and want you to keep. This feels uncomfortable, but it's not dangerous. Nothing has gone wrong. Nothing has changed.

When your partner takes a little bit too long to reply to your text, when you, um, when they seem distant for a moment, your nervous system just freaks out. But that's not proof that something's wrong. That is not fact. It's a sign that your body's reacting, but you have tools and can learn tools to respond differently. 

So, let's walk through four practical ways to build this emotional agility and emotional expansion. So, number one, notice, don't label. Again, I'm noticing tension in my chest, not I feel jealous. I feel pressure behind my eyes, in my head, whatever it is. But that separates you from the emotion. And it gives you space.

It gives you space to like, okay, I actually do have some power over, over this. Number two, stay with it. Stay with it for 60 seconds. Just try 60 seconds. Don't react. Don't fix it. Don't shame it. Don't blame it. None. None of that stuff. Just breathe. Set a timer. Feel the sensation. Tell your body, okay, I can handle this.

It doesn't feel good. I don't like it, but I can handle this. I'm doing it. [00:17:00] Number three, savor the good. Savor the good. When something feels good, pause, breathe it in. Like really, really take it in. Stay with that for 10 seconds, 60 seconds. I love this because this actually teaches your nervous system to hold joy to not rush past it.

We do that so often. Our accomplishments, things that are good, we just let them go by as if, oh, you know, this is just going to happen all the time. And we know, okay. Yes, but it's more like 50 50, right? I am so happy that. When I think back on that time, I don't think of it, you know, at the time when I was sitting with my husband by the fireplace, I don't think of it like, oh, see, every time you start to feel good about something, something bad happens.

I already know that actually. I already know that life is 50 50. [00:18:00] Half the time it kind of sucks, and half the time it's amazing. When I think of that, I think of how great that was, how great I felt, and I'm so glad that I did that because I didn't rush past it. Had I not been purposefully practicing that it, I mean, it may have all blended together, like I wouldn't have remembered this time.

That felt so magical and beautiful. Most likely what would stand out more is my dad's death, right? Like, uh, I could have tied that so easily to things. So really hold that space for that joy and celebrate it. Don't just rush past it. Okay. Number four, create a self-trust loop. You're really good at creating these loops, but this [00:19:00] one needs to be a positive loop.

So, every time you stay present with a feeling, instead of avoiding it, you complete the loop. Your system says, oh, okay. I felt it. I stayed with it. I didn't run from it, and I'm okay. That's the loop that builds trust and confidence. One moment at a time. So let me leave you with a few reflection questions that you can ask yourself.

What emotion do I avoid feeling the most? What would it feel like to stay with that emotion for 60 seconds without reacting? Like what would that feel like if I had to do that? Another one. What is one good emotion that you rush past too quickly? What is one small promise I can make to myself today and keep it. 

If this episode helped you in any way, take a minute to rate the podcast. It helps people like you find this work. Remember, emotional agility is a practice. It's a skill, and it's something that you can build. You don't have to be ruled by your emotions. You can feel them fully and still stay grounded in who you are.

Thanks for listening or for watching over on YouTube. And until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.