Give Yourself A Break And Your Partner Some Space Ep 68

[00:00:00] Podcast Intro

[00:00:58] Today, I'm talking about self-validation and that really tight grip you have on your partner and your relationship. After my guest from episode 66, Dr. Corey Allen was on a couple of weeks ago. I knew that I wanted to go back and record a solo episode just on a couple of things that he mentioned during that interview, because I felt like they were such a mind shifting, mike drop, aha moments. 

[00:01:28] And I really didn't want you to miss them. Because if I know you, you might've only been half listening because your mind is clogged with so much anxiety and all the ruminating thoughts that you have. I just really didn't want you to miss these two lessons and miss out on that potential mindset shift. So, I thought I would talk about them separately and just do an episode about them. 

[00:01:49] Plus I've got something really cool and exciting that I want to share with you. I've been working on it. In the background to be able to offer something to you that I think is just going to be amazing for you. So I will talk about that at the end. I can't wait to share it with you.

[00:02:02] But first let's talk about south validation.

[00:02:05] So this is really just accepting your own internal experience, including your thoughts and your feelings. We have a wide range of emotions and not all of them are positive, as you know, I know that you experienced that. Most of them probably right now are not positive. But just because we have a negative thought or we get emotional over something, it doesn't mean that it's bad. There are many emotions that you feel where there's a perfectly good reason why you feel that way. 

[00:02:43] It makes sense why someone who was cheated on before might be a little apprehensive or nervous about that happening in their next relationship. That makes sense. And so part of self-validation is really just accepting that and letting And letting it be okay. Not okay in terms of it's fine and we don't do anything about it. 

[00:03:11] We still want to make some changes. It doesn't mean that you're correct to not trust in this new relationship. It doesn't mean that you're right. It just means that makes sense. And I can ease up on myself a little bit for being that way. Sometimes the hardest thing, especially when we get into arguments with our partner is that guilt and that shame you feel afterwards. And I want to just say, it's important to really figure that piece out and be able to recover very quickly and self-validation is going to help you to do that because the longer you stay in that guilt ridden. embarrassed um, ashamed state, that's still doing damage to the relationship. 

[00:04:04] And I hear all the time, like, it seems like my partners moved on already and think goodness and they're understanding and they've moved on but I'm having trouble moving on. I am still kind of not being myself because I'm embarrassed because now of course, all those thoughts are going through where, why would they even want to be with me when I act that way. And I'm telling you the longer you stay in that state, the more damage you keep doing on your relationship. So it's beneficial for you to do some self-validation and say, you know what? 

[00:04:41] Yes. I'm not proud of the things that I did, but it makes sense. And these are the reasons. And yes, right now that is me responding to these things that happened. I still need to change it and I need to work on it, but I've got to get over that and let go of the guilt and let go of the shame as quickly as possible so that I can actually do something productive to make those improvements. 

[00:05:12] So self-validation is a really great way to do that. And one of the things Dr. Corey Allen said that I loved so much is the idea is to have self -validation in the absence of other validation. And I think this goes along with when we get to those situations, maybe we're at a party or an event, or, um, even a restaurant with our partner and we are feeling anxious we're feeling jealous and we go to them right away to feel better. To get that assurance. And self-validation as a way, like, let me do it myself in the absence of that validation. Can I validate myself? Can I move myself into another state without the validation of someone else? Without that validation of my partner. And this is when you have the opportunity to show up your best; to be your best self. And actually looking at it as this opportunity that, hey, I can move myself from one state to another, by myself. And a lot of that starts with self-validation. 

[00:06:36] Cause sometimes, you know, we get that order wrong when we're feeling bad. We should be turning to ourselves first and let our internal sense of worth kick in and allow us to work through our thoughts and give ourselves what we need before we skip to, oh, I just need my partner to do it. Because often we do, we skip that. That's what we're doing. We're skipping that internal sense of self-worth. That that internal sense fails and. 

[00:07:12] You feel the need for somebody else to validate you, to make you feel better or the only way that you're going to feel good about yourself is if someone else feels good about you and they're sharing that with you. They're telling you that your great. You're important to them. You mean something you're worth something? 

[00:07:34] This shows up all the time when you know, maybe you're out with your partner, you're at a party or you're at an event and there's another woman there or another man. And you're like, oh, great. They're funny. Ah, not only is she pretty and she's got a cute little body, and she's funny. Everyone's giving her so much attention and they're talking to her and I promise if my partner laughs at something she says I'm gonna flick them right in the forehead. I mean, that's just how you feel maybe and thats the thoughts you're having, you wouldn't actually do that, but you get the idea. We tend to go.... it needs to be someone else's job to make me feel special, to make me feel good enough or I don't feel that way. Or somebody else's getting that attention. It takes away from me. And this is where again, you have that huge opportunity to show up in the best way possible for yourself and make yourself feel good. Maybe some self-soothing, some self-validation, but this is your chance to say, you know what, yeah, I get jealous in these situations. 

[00:08:51] I know that about myself. I don't like it. It's not my favorite quality. But this comes with the territory because I watched my dad cheat on my mom the entire time I was growing up. Or, you know, my first serious boyfriend cheated on me. So, yeah. I can get easily triggered by things like this, but I am working on it. And I know that her being funny doesn't make me less funny or lovable to my partner or anyone else. And there's room for both of us to be funny there's room for her to be funny. 

[00:09:34] And her to be cute and you to be funny and you to be cute. It doesn't take away from the other one. So using self-validation and self-soothing in that moment, that's where you have that chance to like, let me do this great. Let me do this better than I did it last time. Even if it's 1% better, even if it's 5% better, let me try this. Let me see if I can move myself from one place to another, on my own, without the assurance of someone else. 

[00:10:12] And if you blow up anyway, Well, There's always reflection work, right. You know, one of the best things when it comes to self-validation is reflection. Reflecting on what happened. What emotion are you feeling? What led to it? But the most important part of reflecting is making sure that you're accurately reflecting. Making sure you’re really only just stating the facts. We have really strong imaginations and, and we can tell some very crafted stories in our mind, if we let ourselves do that. 

[00:10:51] And this really is where the problem comes in, because if you're trying to make sense of something and you're trying to solve something to get to the root of it. You have to make sure that you're looking at it through a clear lens, not through our green lens not through our jealous lens. But a clear lens, just the actual facts, just the facts. And this is where my guest a couple of weeks ago, as I mentioned, Dr. 

[00:11:19] Corey Allen, he said self-validation in the absence of any other validation is where you get to really show up. And in case you missed that episode. Oh my gosh. You have to go back and listen to episode 66, because I really want that to stick for you. That if you reflect on what happened. Or what is happening for you? And just stick with the facts instead of doing the embellishing, instead of letting that story run wild. 

[00:11:52] Let me just stick to the facts. Not my opinion about the facts, not bring in the history about the facts, just the facts. This is where you can do best for yourself and work through it and assure yourself without the need of your partner to do it. And I'm not saying your partner never has to make you feel good. 

[00:12:14] Of course we want them to, but in this jealous state, what we really need to work on is can I get myself from a to b on my own?

[00:12:25] Can I do some of that regulation? Can I validate and understand how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way? And then go, you know what? Okay. Yep. That makes sense. 

[00:12:37] It's kind of like, you know, when you're trying to open that damn pickle jar and you're just giving it all, you have. And, you know, in my case, like I can tell my husband can see me struggling with it And I notice him noticing me struggle. But I just have this determination to just get it open myself like whatever I have to do. Use tools, whatever it is. 

[00:13:02] But that, that is my goal. That is my mission. Like, no, I'm going to open this damn jar of pickles by myself or whatever it is. But I'm going to open it by myself without having to hand it over to him. That's what you need here when it comes to the jealousy; when it comes to feeling insecure. 

[00:13:24] Yeah. If I hand it over to him. He'll do it. He'll stop what he's doing and he'll do it for me. But wouldn't it feel great. To just be able to get those pickles open on your own when you need to? If you want to on your own. To just be like, you know what, I don't even need to show the struggle. 

[00:13:48] I can open it. You know, maybe, maybe I've got tools that I use to make it easier to open. But either way, I got it. I'm going to do it. I can talk myself through and while I might not be okay with it. 

[00:14:05] And that self-validation part. Okay. I might not be okay with the way I acted. But I can understand and validate why I might feel jealous based on my past or understanding that yes, my actions were very embarrassing, but I'm practicing. And I'm trying, and this isn't all of me. It's not all I have to offer my partner. 

[00:14:30] And I'm going to keep working on this pickle jar. I'm going to figure out if there's tools that, that can assist me in it. But either way. I'm gonna see if I can take myself there. 

[00:14:44] So the other mind-blowing truth bomb that was dropped in episode 66 was when Dr. Corey mentioned, that when couples come to therapy and he asked them the question, like, do you think you're too far apart, or do you think you're too close together? And inevitably almost always the couple will say, oh, we're too far apart. She just doesn't get me anymore. He doesn't do the things he used to. We're just kind of roommates. We're just floating along. Uh, we don't have a common interest anymore. All of that. Which really does sound like you're too far apart. What Dr. Corey says, though, is most likely. It's actually that you're too close. 

[00:15:22] What??. 

[00:15:24] If you listen to that episode, did you catch that when he said that? Yep. Too close together. Meaning one of you (cough, cough) not going to say who, but one of you has too tight of a grip on the relationship and on your partner and that's suffocating. And I know that because I know that you are into all the details. I want to know the details. I want to know who was there and who you talked to, and this is how you should respond back to this. 

[00:15:54] And why did you make that decision? And you know how I feel about this and who's going to be there. And it's that just grip of all of the goings-on of the relationship. And kind of dictating and trying to control. And that's where that too tight of a grip comes from. It can be very suffocating.

[00:16:18] It doesn't allow them to even have a different opinion or think something is okay that you don't think is okay. It doesn't allow them to pick up something new or try something new, or have a new hobby or a new interest. I mean, let's face it. I want you to raise your hand right now, wherever you are, or you can just nod if there are other people around in your, in public, that might think you're weird for just raising your hand. 

[00:16:43] But if not, literally raise your hand. And tell me if this is true. If your partner said, hey, I was thinking that there's this really cool cigar bar that I want to go to. I've been reading up on cigars. It's kind of something I am interested in. I've really been reading up on it and learning about different types of cigars and things like that. 

[00:17:05] And there's this really cool bar and it looks really neat and they, you go in and they let you sample all these different kind and they tell you about it. You would probably not love that idea. And the first place that you would go is, well, why all of a sudden do you want to do something new? Why does it have to be outside of the house? Are you bored with me? 

[00:17:30] Oh, you're bored with me. I knew that you were bored with me. You just need something new. You need something exciting dot, dot, dot, fill in the blank with whatever you would say. But my guess is, you wouldn't just naturally be immediately supportive. 

[00:17:47] And so of course then your partner's going to feel like they can't do anything. They can't grow. They can't explore. They can't just live life. They can't get better or do something that they've always wanted to do. 

[00:18:02] And here's the really interesting part. It's not just them who feels like they can't do what they want to do. So do you. 

[00:18:12] You’re missing out on stuff you want to do because you're so worried about what they might do when you're gone from the house. Or if you're not there to monitor what they're doing. Then the first thing that they're going to do is seek out someone else or seek out attention from someone else. If you happen to miss a Wednesday night, once a week of giving them your controlling attention, right? 

[00:18:37] Like, oh my gosh. If I pick up something new for me to do a new interest for me, and that makes me gone on Wednesday evenings, I don't know what they're doing. I can't see what they're doing. And if I'm not there, well, what if they seek somebody else out? What if that's their time that they're going to find to give somebody else attention and affection and spend time with. 

[00:18:59] So you're not enjoying life or growing either because you're too close to your partner. Too close to the relationship. So think about self-validation. And, you know, can I open this pickle dry by myself? And not ask for assistance through assurance. And perhaps the problem is not that your partner doesn't think exactly like you. 

[00:19:25] And. don't handle every situation exactly like you would, or you think it needs to be done. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe you could slowly release that grip just a little and see what happens. 

[00:19:46] Maybe you could just do one Wednesday a month. And let your partner breathe a little bit. And just test it and see that when you go do something and you come back there, they are, they're going to be there. Everything is fine. Just like it was before you left. Or maybe let them go do something one Wednesday a month. 

[00:20:09] And I know, I say let and we are like, well, I don't tell them what they can and can do, but I know how we can guilt them. And our little ways of let, like saying that it's not okay without really saying it's not. Okay. And what we do a lot is why I'm not going to tell you what to do. 

[00:20:31] But if you don't do it this way, you're screwed. 

[00:20:33] I mean, that's how we operate. So let them go do something or you go do something and give room to grow Just because somebody is growing and they have interests outside of you doesn't mean that they're going to leave you. 

[00:20:53] Okay. So now. For my extra exciting news Drum roll, please. I have a new membership called Self Improvement Society or SIS for short. My grandpa used to call us girls either Sally or SIS when I was growing up so this membership of women, that seemed like a perfect name for it. I have been working very hard behind the scenes to create something for you that I can offer to you like this. 

[00:21:26] And I'm so excited for it. There are already some women inside of the membership waiting on you and it's been great so far. So in the membership, you get two group coaching sessions per month. It's a full hour of coaching sessions with me and anyone else that's joining that group coach coaching session on that day.

[00:21:51] You also get monthly training lessons. There's fun and engaging challenges to accelerate your journey. Not to mention being able to ask specific questions in the Q and A circle, post your wins or your aha moments that week or there's also a place where you can just get stuff off your chest. 

[00:22:12] Like I'm just putting it out here. I'm just talking through. And the great thing is it's all people who are struggling with this. Who understand. It's not like calling your friends and family who don't really get the jealousy thing. And you're still filling alone. It makes you feel sometimes even worse. I created this membership for three very specific reasons. One, I got feedback from some of you that even though the Facebook group is a private group some still don't feel a hundred percent comfortable just putting their private information out there because they're not sure who all is in the group. I do my best to, um, look at profiles to make sure that they're answering their questions, to make sure that they're actually answering yes, they struggle with jealousy. Um, and that they're agreeing to the group rules. But yes, I can't say for sure that everyone is in there for the right reasons. I think mostly they are but I understand not knowing like, well, who else is in the group and because it's just sort of open Facebook, um, Not feeling like you can share everything. 

[00:23:35] So that was one reason. This membership gives you a more private place to do that. And everyone inside the membership is paying to be there. So, yes, This person is definitely struggling with jealousy or, you know, some insecurity issues. And very much less likely to be in there for the wrong reason. 

[00:23:57] I also wanted a bit more structure and this gives people who are really wanting to work on their jealousy. It gives them a place to go do that. There are challenges again, there's monthly training there's group coaching sessions twice a month. Uh, place to ask specific questions. It's a place to celebrate wins. 

[00:24:21] And, oh, have you seen this document? Have you seen this YouTube? Have you heard this person? Have you read this book? All of that in one place. 

[00:24:31] There's just so many great ways that we can help each other inside of the membership without the Facebook restrictions or stigma as it is now. 

[00:24:42] And then the final reason is, you know, when I decided to do this podcast and to go for my coaching certification, my number one goal was to help people. 

[00:24:55] To help someone else who grew up with an alcoholic parent and they're now seen some challenges in their relationship. To help women who are laying in bed crying because you just wish that you could change this about yourself. I remember more than once thinking if I could change anything about me, anything... if I could pick anything, it wouldn't be to have blue eyes or to be rich or to be skinnier or taller or smarter. 

[00:25:32] None of that. It was always, if I could change just one thing, it would be to no longer feel this extreme jealousy. 

[00:25:44] That's the reason I do this podcast. It's the reason that I wanted to become a coach. Now, unfortunately those things cost money to do. It costs money to put out the podcast to have the website, to have the coaching portal, to schedule sessions, all the programs and equipment and training and all the stuff that goes along with having a business and having the podcast. 

[00:26:09] And therefore I do have to charge money for some things. But also because it's super valuable and it's worth it. And it's worth the investment because it can be life-changing. But I did want another way for those who are maybe budget conscious or maybe they don't have the time right now to do six months of one-on-one coaching with me or three months of one-on-one coaching 

[00:26:38] you know, every week. So, I wanted to have other options for people. Some people like to have a group. They like to have that interaction of a group versus some people like the one-on-one. So, I'm really trying to be able to to get you where you are. To help you where you are. Whether it's time, or budget or you prefer a group or no, I just want one-on-one and privacy to be able to talk through some stuff. 

[00:27:09] The membership is that other layer to be able to help. And so SIS or the self-improvement society… it's $27 a month and it's now a way to still deliver help and value and resources, but on a conscious budget or for those again, who don't have time for the intensive one-on-one sessions just yet. 

[00:27:35] So ladies, if you want monthly training and group coaching sessions every other week, Uh, super engaging challenges as well as the support of others who are really working on themselves, Join us in SIS, the self-improvement society today and let's get going. The link to join is in the show notes, or you can visit www.topself.com/SIS to register. Thank you all so much for. listening to the podcast for coming back week after week, and joining me here. I hope that these episodes are valuable to you. They give you some peace Because my biggest thing is I want you to know that you're not alone and that there is help and I'm trying to meet you wherever I can to offer you that help. I hope to see you inside of SIS. 27 bucks a month. Go register now. You can cancel at any time. Thank you so much and until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.