Do You Need to Change Your Partner or Your Patterns EP 124

Until you trust yourself, you'll doubt every relationship, even the right one. Even the right one.

Shanenn Bryant (00:59.32)

Hey, welcome back to Top Self. I'm your host, Shannon Bryant, and I want to start today by talking about the pain that brought you here. You're constantly second guessing your relationship. Maybe you love them, but you don't feel safe. Maybe you're analyzing everything they do. They bring you coffee and you spend 20 minutes wondering

If they're being genuine or trying to butter you up for something or what did you do wrong? I know I used to think that if my husband ever brought me flowers, I'd be like, hmm, what happened? Or if he just calls out of the blue, what are you up to? But this pain, it's so exhausting. It's that loop of deciding.

undeciding, breaking up, getting back together, feeling good for one day and then spiraling the next. Your brain keeps looking for someone to blame and that strategy is about as effective as trying to fix a flat tire with a chocolate chip cookie. It is not going to work. It doesn't work. Those are conscious goals. You're programming a subconscious.

So what if you could finally feel solid in your decisions or even better about or even just better about your decisions? What if you could finally feel more solid in your decisions? What if you could stop questioning every single text, every tone, every gesture that your partner has? The solution isn't changing your partner. It's changing your pattern.

Shanenn Bryant (02:52.716)

Because until you trust yourself, you'll doubt every relationship, even the right one. Today, we're going to talk about why your relationship confusion isn't really about your partner. Why your brain keeps looking for someone to blame and what to do instead so you can finally feel confident in your choices. And if you've ever been caught in that exhausting loop, that I just described. This episode is for you. Turn it up, put in your earbuds, focus. You're gonna wanna hear this.

So let's start with something that I hear pretty often from my one-on-one clients and that is, broke up with them because I felt so triggered. was so upset. I was so angry. I felt like if I didn't end it, the anxiety was just going to eat me alive and like, at least I don't have to be anxious. Or I kept leaving and coming back because...

I feel better right after I leave. Like, we come back and then it's really nice. We break up, but then I miss them and I feel unsure again. Like, was that the right choice? Did I do the right thing? We do this because our nervous system is trying to protect us. And honestly, our nervous system can be a bit, on edge. We know that.

Shanenn Bryant (04:31.874)

So here is what's happening. We get flooded with this emotion, fear, shame, hurt, jealousy, insecurity, whatever it is, that weird feeling when they take too long to text back, for example. And our brains go into full emergency mode. Like they're like, evacuate, evacuate. Right? This is not a drill.

So what do we do? We leave. We explode. We shut down. We make ultimatums that we really don't mean. But they feel very important in that moment. We become that person who's like, that's it, I'm done. While secretly, you're really hoping that they chase you. You're like, I'm pushing them away, hoping that they chase you, hoping that they'll go, my gosh, I don't want this person to break up. 

And the real reason behind that is our, and that really driving force behind that is we're trying to get this discomfort out of our bodies as fast as possible. It's the only way I can really describe it. It's like this emotional, like hot potato. If you remember playing that when you were a kid, we just want to pass that feeling to someone else, anyone else, because holding it,

feels impossible. We just want to release it. We've got to get rid of it. It's so uncomfortable to hold onto that hot thing, to sit in the sock that will do anything to get rid of it as quickly as possible. And as long as you are outsourcing your emotions, you'll never master them. If every time you feel anxious, you make it about your partner, like something that they did. if you wouldn't do, you know, if you wouldn't look at other women, I wouldn't feel this way. If you would, you know, call me right back. I wouldn't feel this way. You know how I feel when you do this. So why would you do it?

Shanenn Bryant (06:44.386)

We make it about our partner. And you're never going to feel safe with anyone if you're doing that. You're not breaking the cycle. You're just moving the same story to a different stage with different actors. But the script is exactly the same. That breakup reflex. It is not about your partner. It's about the fact that- somewhere along the way, you learned that running away from discomfort and that's just what we do as humans, right? 

We move towards pleasure and run away from pain. So even without some big dramatic thing, like that's the way that we're wired, that's how we survived. So we want to move away from discomfort. You learned that that was easier than learning how to deal with it or having to deal with it. And I get it. Discomfort sucks. It's uncomfortable. It's literally in the name. And here's what's wild. The discomfort that you're trying to escape, it just follows you. It just packs up its little suitcase and shows up in your next relationship like, you thought that we weren't coming along, like just because this person reacts maybe differently or it's a different person or different circumstances, eventually when you really attach those same, like there's your suitcase, shows up in your next relationship, ready to cause the same exact problems.

Shanenn Bryant (08:34.626)

I really, this is what I would do all the time. I would stay in relationships that, you know, way too long that were not good for me. And I would bolt on other relationships, but the route was the same, whether I was staying too long, you know, I'm insecure.

I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like I don't deserve more. And a lot of times those people, you know, they would cheat on me. They would, they would not treat me well. They just weren't a great partner and I would stay too long. And then other ones where, I'm connected to them maybe, or just a different circumstance. Maybe they weren't a bad partner, but I still bolted. I still then really would get jealous in the relationship and I would leave. Or do something to cause a breakup. The route is the same. The driver was the same reason and it didn't matter the person. What was behind it was the same. Sure, maybe some handled my jealousy better.

For some relationships, my jealousy wasn't even much of an issue. It wasn't really showing up too much. And again, some did things that were valid for me to feel the way that I felt and that I was right. Some were cheating. Even the ones I didn't necessarily think were. None of that matters.

Shanenn Bryant (10:25.45)

And some were cheating, even the ones that I didn't necessarily think were. Like maybe my jealousy wasn't that bad and you were cheating on me? Okay. But none of that matters because I didn't trust what I thought regardless. And I think we've all been in those and I'm sure you've been in those relationships where you're like, ugh, I don't think this is the right relationship for me. And I'm seeing things over over over again, a pattern. But I don't really know because I'm feeling this way or I know I have these things about me so I don't trust my own thoughts about it. I don't trust my own decision about it.

Shanenn Bryant (11:15.02)

And so this isn't about whether your partner is right or wrong for you. I really want you to hear that. It doesn't matter right now if your partner is right or wrong for you. And you may have clicked on this episode because you thought I was gonna help you figure that out. If you should dump them or marry them or you know what the deal was. But even if I could tell you the answer, you still wouldn't believe me.

You wouldn't believe me. You wouldn't believe you. Why? Because when you don't trust yourself, every decision feels unstable. It's like, I don't know if that's the right one. Every option feels unsafe and you're not really deciding. You're just reacting. That's what happens when you're making relationships decisions from a place of fear and self-doubt.

Everything feels wrong because you don't trust yourself to handle whatever comes next. Like whatever your decision is and whatever the outcome or the, I can't remember my words half the time anymore. I think, I feel like since COVID it's like, wait, what? I don't even know the simplest of words, but it's, you don't really trust yourself to handle.

What comes next are the consequences. That's the word. The consequences of what comes next. And so here's the difference between deciding and reacting. When you're deciding, you're thinking, what do I actually want? What feels good for me? What would I choose if I trusted myself to handle any outcome?

Shanenn Bryant (13:20.674)

When you're reacting, you're thinking, what's the safest option? What's going to hurt the least? What can I do so that if this goes badly, it's not my fault or I won't feel guilty or I can't even imagine going through the pain of this breakup? What if I never find anyone else again? What if nobody else ever loves me like this? Fear based decisions aren't actually decisions at all.  They're just these elaborate safety strategies disguised as choices.

Shanenn Bryant (14:00.174)

So you could ask yourself, am I trying to make a decision or am I trying to escape discomfort? That one question, am I trying to make a decision or am I trying to escape discomfort? That one question can change everything.

Because you're not going to be clear about it if you're like from just running away from pain. That clarity is going to come when your nervous system is regulated enough to tell the difference between a red flag and a trigger. And yes, there's a difference. But I say red flag and I, I want to really say red flag pattern or red flag patterns.

Because I kind of hate the whole red flag thing because I think we go overboard, which is exactly kind of the point of this episode is, my gosh, just saw a red flag. They're not the one. I'm breaking up with them. there's a red flag because we've been arguing. I'm breaking up with them. there's a red flag because I feel this way. I feel like I don't trust them. That's a red flag. I'm going to break up with them. And then we're constantly starting over, starting over, starting over in our relationships. Again, different people, but

You still have the suitcase. So when I say red flag, I mean red flag patterns. Meaning, is your partner consistently disrespecting your boundaries if you've even laid any and probably maybe you haven't? Are they consistently lying to you or treating you poorly?

lying to you, meaning really big lies out of the blue. And I know you might get caught up on the whole lying thing. Like a lie is a lie is a lie. I used to think that way too. I don't as much anymore because I know that sometimes our partners may withhold truths or tell us something a little bit differently because of our repeated actions to them. Maybe just telling you something pretty basic and normal.

But a red flag pattern, and this is what I tell people to look for. What you're looking for in terms of is this person right or wrong are the PATTERNS. Not just, this thing happened and I'm exploding out of fear. Because that's the other thing. Even if you're seeing patterns, you don't want to make that decision from a trigger response. You do not want to do that.

You want to be rational about it with a calmer head, not in that trigger phase. Like we don't make any good decisions in that trigger phase. So we want to make any decisions from a calm, cool head or a calmer, cooler head. but relationship red flag patterns from your partner look very different than, I am triggered.

A trigger is your partner doing something pretty normal, like taking a work call during dinner and you're suddenly feeling like, I'm abandoned and unloved because your dad used to prioritize work over family time. Or I text them and they didn't text me right back. And I know that they have their phone with them. Why didn't they text me back? Like these general just like what seems like pretty common things that we start to get really amped up and tell ourselves stories. That's trigger.

Shanenn Bryant (17:59.502)

One could be about your partner red flag patterns. One is about your unhealed stuff. And the problem is, when you're in that triggered state, everything feels like a red flag. Everything feels so grand, so big, so important. Your partner could bring you flowers, like I said, and you'd be like, what are they bringing me flowers for? What did they do?

Are these guilt flowers? Are they about to break up with me? That's the like, this person didn't, they didn't want to see me on Tuesday night because they said they needed some time to themselves or they had some chores to do. And immediately your brain goes to, my gosh, are they sick of me? Are they not wanting to be with me? Are they going to break up with me? Did they find someone else?

Shanenn Bryant (19:02.252)

This is why decisions made from fear aren't trustworthy. You're not seeing the situation clearly. You're not seeing it through the lens of every hurt, every disappointment, every time someone made you feel bad or small or unworthy, whether that was a parent, a caregiver, whether that was a string of bad decisions on boyfriends or girlfriends.

Shanenn Bryant (19:43.606)

Now, I'm not saying that those feelings that are coming up aren't valid. They absolutely are. I'm saying that your feelings might not be about what's happening right now. And that's very much the case. I love the saying, if it's hysterical, it's historical. If you are hysterical, sick at your stomach, your heart's beating, you can't sleep, you're waking up, you're checking the phone, you're doing all of those things, you're a nervous wreck because your partner hasn't texted you back in over an hour or they didn't text you back when they said, that is historic. they might be about what happened 10 years ago, or 5 years ago, or in your childhood. And until you learn to separate the past from the present, every decision is going to feel like life or death. Like big catastrophic decisions or big huge things.

Shanenn Bryant (21:02.484)

We very much get in this black and white catastrophic thinking. It has to either be this or this. There is no in-between. And every small thing like that, common thing like that, should say, seems huge.

And here's the thing I want you, this is really, really what I wanted to get across. The second big thing, what I wanted to get across on this episode today is guess what? You don't have to decide today about your partner. You don't have to answer the question. Are they the one? You do not have to figure it out if this is a person that you could marry or

If you should run for the hills, you don't have to make some big dramatic final move that determines the rest of your romantic future. That's not what you need to do right now. You just need to stabilize. You need to learn to manage your insecurities, your emotions, and get to a place of not making these big, huge decisions in a trigger or from a trigger response from fear.

Shanenn Bryant (22:37.218)

And I get it, this might go against everything our culture tells us about relationships. That we're supposed to know when you know when you know. We're supposed to have these like lightning bolt moments where everything just becomes crystal clear and I know that for certain this is the person. But what if it's not how it works for everyone?

What if some of us need to learn how to trust ourselves first before we can trust our feelings about someone else? And it's so much why we get caught in this loop back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Because you didn't set boundaries in your relationship. Now you get upset about something, whether it is something that your partner maybe did, maybe once, maybe this is the second time, who knows?

Maybe your partner did do something or maybe they just haven't texted you back yet and you are now going, forget it. I'm just going to break up with them.

Shanenn Bryant (23:52.386)

But unless this person is physically abusive, you know, as long as they're not emotionally abusive, physically abusive, then even if they're not the right person, they're not the right one long-term, we don't know yet because you haven't stabilized, you haven't been able to make clear decisions. You haven't learned to manage your jealousy and insecurity. So maybe they're not the right one long-term.

Being with them for 3 more months while you work on your own patterns and build self-trust is far more productive than leaving now and bringing those same triggers to someone new.

Shanenn Bryant (24:53.998)

Like, wouldn't it make sense to spend this time? Because here's the thing. If you're breaking up and getting back together, breaking up and getting back together, you are not to a point where you feel confident and clear and strong enough to stay broken up. So, why not?

Go OK, I am going to commit to I am NOT making these huge bold decisions out of a trigger response. And I'm going to spend the time working on how to NOT do that from a trigger response because that's hard too, right? We're doing it because it seems like this automatic thing. But take the time. Take three months. Learn about yourself. Learn about your triggers. How to manage those emotions. And you don't have to decide

If this is the one, if this is the right person, you don't have to do that right now. Again, as long as they are not abusive. The idea that we need to be a hundred percent certain about our romantic partner while being uncertain about literally everything else is kind of wild when you think about it. You are so uncertain about-

everything else, but you want to know for sure if this is person. And more so, probably, get it, you're thinking I need to know more so if they are cheating on me. But you already know, most likely, again, whether they are or whether they are not, we don't know. But most likely, the fear of them doing it is coming from you. Right?

And that fear may very well be there, whether that's the right person or the wrong person, whether they are actually doing it right now or they're not.

Shanenn Bryant (27:00.608)

If you don't learn how to manage your emotions, you will always feel unsafe. You will always question your decisions. And you will always think it's THEM until you realize it's your pattern. You won't work on yourself. If you're thinking, it's always the other person, that's a way and a reason to not look inward.

Look at ourselves. The relief that you feel after each breakup isn't because you made the right choice. It's because you temporarily escaped the discomfort of feeling your own feelings. Like, I hot potato, I gave it away. But those feelings are still there. They come right back, waiting for the next relationship to boil up and bring to the surface. And you're still holding that suitcase full of hot potatoes. 

Don't for now, anyway. Change your partner. Change your pattern.

Because here's what I know to be true. If you learn to trust yourself, you're going to make better decisions about who you want to be with. And if you don't learn that, you'll just keep making the same decisions over and over over again, just with different people.

So what do you do to focus on... So what do you do to focus on...

Shanenn Bryant (28:43.662)

So what should you do if you're not going to focus on whether you should stay and, you know, obsess over, do I stay or do I go? Is this the right person or not? What do you focus on? First, pause the decision, put it down, walk away. I'm serious. Say, say it to yourself. I will revisit this. I'm serious. Say it to yourself. I will revisit this in 30 days. And then actually.

Just do your best not to think about it for 30 days. If it comes up, say that statement. It's on pause. I'm going to revisit this in 30 days. Tell your brain because your brain's going to keep trying to go, Hey, hey, this thing still doesn't feel right. This thing is still uneasy for us. This thing still feels unsafe. Hey, we have to make this decision. And you get to control your brain and say, Hey, look, I know. I know that there is a decision to be made.

but I'm gonna put it on pause for 30 days. I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna revisit it, maybe not even make it, but I'm gonna revisit this in 30 days.

I know that that sounds impossible, especially if you've got arguments going back and forth and your jealousy is creating arguments, but it's going to continue to do that until you turn the focus on yourself. And if you can remove at least one obstacle of doing that, like, okay, great. I'm setting this aside. I don't have to decide if this is my life partner or not right now. Right now I need to figure out why I'm so nervous about this. I need to figure out why I can't make that decision to break up and trust that that's the best decision or make the decision to stay and trust that that is the right decision or learn. And the really great thing is you can learn, 

Hey, I'm going to trust myself enough to know I'm going to make whatever decision I'm going to make right now with the information I have. I'm going to make that best decision. And you know what? I am strong enough.

Shanenn Bryant (30:49.9)

That no matter what, no matter if even this comes back to like, hmm, maybe I shouldn't have made that decision or OK, that could have possibly been the wrong decision. OK, that's OK. I can still handle whatever the consequence is for that decision. I'm strong enough for that. That's what you need to be working on.

Shanenn Bryant (31:24.12)

So if you know, if today is the day mark today's date and go go today, I'm at least going to, you know, hold out for 30 days. I'm going to revisit this 30 days from today. So whatever day you're listening to this podcast today marks the day. And anytime that comes up or anytime when you're triggered, you feel like breaking up. Say, you know what? Do I want to make this decision from a triggered place? No.

I can still make it later. I can still break up later if that's what you ultimately decide to do. And you can still break up for the thing if it becomes something that, yes, I am actually upset about that thing. That is something that, you know, anyone would be upset about. And I'm not making that decision from a place of my fear.

Shanenn Bryant (32:20.462)

Okay. So step one, we're putting it on pause. Step two, start building emotional awareness. And this is where the real work happens. Start asking yourself, what triggers me most? Is it when they don't text me back right away? Is it when they say they need space? Is it, you know, when they're stressed from work and they seem distant?

Whatever that is. And then ask yourself, what do I make it mean? Like, what do I make it mean about me? What do I automatically assume? Do I automatically assume they don't love me? That they're going to leave, that I'm too much, that I'm not worth it, that I'm not good enough.

and ask what need am I trying to meet through my partner? So whether that's what need am I trying to make because I'm breaking up, like I'm I raid, I'm very triggered, and so I break up. Okay. What need, and you can even think of past times because hopefully after today you're going to put it on pause, but when you did it in the past, what need were you trying to meet through your partner?

Was it to get rid of the feeling? Was it to like, that's your way of feeling safe? Just keep asking your brain that what was the need that I was trying to get through my partner?

Shanenn Bryant (33:52.374)

Am I looking to feel secure, loved, important? What is it?

And then step three, it isn't life-changing, but it sure helps you to get into a better head space for clearer thoughts. And that is practicing some self-soothing. This is where most people want to like skip ahead, but this is actually the most important part. You need to learn how to calm your nervous system instead of asking your partner to do it for you.

And I really want you to think about why this doesn't work a lot. Like, I felt better for a second or for a moment for a day when I was triggered and I got that reassurance from my partner and I felt better. You know, we talk about like, it's kind of like a, a, cycle of a drug addiction. Like I got a hit, I feel better for a bit, but then I need it again. And the reason that you need it again is because your body is holding that fear that that those emotions and your partner cannot do that for you. cannot calm your nervous system. cannot rewire those pathways in your brain. You have to do that.

Shanenn Bryant (35:24.342)

And so doing breath work is always great. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. It doesn't have to be all, you know, woo woo if you don't want, but just a way so that you can slow your breath. You've got doing some deep breathing when you're activated and trying to get your brain a little bit more, online. Journaling is a great way. I wish I talked about this a couple of times. I wish I could find.

the research or the, the study that they did, but saying how much journaling really does help because especially if you're someone that's like, I've always got these ruminating thoughts and I just spiral with my thoughts, which, you probably do. And our thoughts are full sentences, right? They're just little like, short things that we're thinking. And so sometimes journaling them and writing the whole sentence will even actually calm you because it's like, okay, I completed a full sentence. 

I got that thought out. So that's something that might also work. Somatic work. This is like body based healing, which is really good. Again, yoga, dancing, know, even just shaking your hands when you feel anxious, right? This is one I, because if you think about like what, what is trying to maybe happen. And if you are like me where it was like, this feeling, I can't handle this feeling in my body. So I got to get the feeling out in whatever way possible. I don't care if it's an unhealthy strategy. It's just, got to get it out of me. And so even like, your hands, certainly going for walks, all of those good things, moving your body may help.

So just try that even like, I got to shake out my hands or something. The goal is not to like, you're never going to feel triggered. The goal isn't to never feel triggered again. The goal is to be able to feel triggered and not make it your partner's job to fix it. To be able to calm yourself down, at least kind of come down a few points on the scale on your own in those moments so your brain can think a little bit clearer. And then step four is anchoring in self trust. And this is the big one. Start asking yourself, what would I choose if I trusted myself to handle any outcome? Like what decision would you make? And this not even about your relationship, about anything. If I trusted myself that I could handle it.

That I could get through it, that I would be there for myself, that I would make the best of the decision that I made, what choice would you make? Not what's the safest choice, not what would hurt the least if it went wrong, but what would I choose if I knew I could handle whatever happened next? That question changes everything.

It takes you out of protection mode and into like creation mode. Like let me, let me. And that question changes everything And maybe the answer is I'd stay and see what happens. 

Maybe it's I'd have an honest conversation about what I needed.

Maybe it's, I'd actually leave, but not from fear, from clarity.

The point isn't what you choose. The point is that you're choosing from a place of self-trust instead of fear.

So let me bring it back to this. Again, until you trust yourself, you'll doubt every relationship, even the right one.

Shanenn Bryant (39:51.47)

But when you trust yourself, you're going know you can handle whatever comes next.

Shanenn Bryant (40:04.75)

So if this episode is hitting you right now, and you're sitting there thinking, this is exactly what I needed to hear and exactly what I'm doing, then I want you to know that this is just the beginning. This work, the work of coming back to yourself, of building self-trust, of looking at your patterns.

This isn't something that you have to do alone. This is the exact work I do with my one-on-one clients. This is the exact work I do. And I'll be honest with you. We don't rush to breakups or breakthroughs. We don't spend, we don't rush to... It's not a rush to like break up or have these big breakthroughs.

We don't spend our time trying to figure out if your partner is good enough for you or if they're the right ones or if they're really cheating. We rebuild from the inside out. We look at why you don't trust yourself and work to change that. We look at what you're really afraid of and we start managing that. We start picking it apart and looking at it.

We look for patterns that you learned maybe in childhood, maybe in relationships, the ones that made sense, but then now are sabotaging you. Like it made sense that you were in protection mode, but now they don't work anymore. They're sabotaging you. We update them. We go in, we update them.

Shanenn Bryant (41:50.124)

The right relationship with the wrong version of yourself will always feel wrong.

but the wrong relationship with the more clear version of yourself, you'll have the courage to handle whatever comes your way or whatever comes next. And the right relationship with that version of yourself, that's where the magic happens.

So if you're ready to stop spiraling and.

Shanenn Bryant (42:29.88)

So if you are ready to stop spiraling, stop outsourcing your worth and start feeling confident in your own decisions with or without your current partner, schedule your free discovery call. Let's see how I can help. You can find the link in the show notes or in the, if you're watching on YouTube first, please subscribe. I want to build up the subscriber list. So thank you so much for helping me do that. But you'll see the, the, link to schedule those discovery calls, but you'll see the link to schedule the discovery call there. Your relationship with yourself, your relationship with others, your ability to make decisions from a place of a clear head instead of fear is the work that's going to change everything. But it's not for everyone. It's for people who, but, and this is for people who are ready.

to take responsibility for their own behaviors. It is for people who are tired of the same patterns showing up in every relationship or over and over and over again in your current relationship. It's for people who want to stop asking, why does this keep happening to me? Why am I stuck in this pattern? And start asking, what can I change so this doesn't keep happening?

How do I break that pattern? If that's you, let's have a conversation. Let's see if we're a good fit to do this work together. You don't have to fix your relationships today. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.

You don't have to fix your relationship today. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to have all the answers right now. You just have to come back to yourself. And that's not a destination. It's a practice. It's a learning how to do that. It's something you do every day in small moments in quiet decisions.

Shanenn Bryant (44:39.374)

in the space between the trigger and your reaction. It's choosing to breathe instead of explode. It's choosing to feel instead of flee. It's choosing to trust yourself even when, especially when you don't know what comes next. The work is worth it. You're worth it. 

Until next time, take care and remember.  You're not alone.