Controlling and Judging Without Mercy EP 40

In the past I went to different therapists and you may have heard me talk before about how my husband and I got kicked out of therapy, or what we say like, invited to not come back. But one of the therapists not that one gave me something that changed my life, and that is the ACA Laundry List . In case you don't know, ACA is Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is a support group very similar to AA, except this supports the children who grew up in that environment, who grew up with an alcoholic. So of course, I talked to the therapist about how I was raised, how I grew up and my father being an alcoholic. I feel like it was my very last session, or I just didn't go back after that because I kind of took things in my own hands. But she gave me that list and it completely changed my life. It is a list of 14 common behavior characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic. When I was going through the list I was like, oh, check, check, check, check, check. Yes, that's me, that's me, that's me, that's me. Why it changed my life is because I thought, oh, okay, well, if there's a list, that means I'm not the only one. I didn't write this list. I know I didn't write it, so I must not be the only one that does all of these 14 things, or 12 of the 14 things. I'm not the only one, and if they made a list, then that means there's probably a solution or solutions to changing those behaviors. I will probably pull a few of these common behavior characteristics out of the laundry list throughout this podcast career, but for today, to wrap up this month on control, I thought this was a really good one and when I read it, when I saw it on the list, it stood out to me as if it were written in bold, highlighted in size, 66 font. It just screamed at me. When I read this and you may see different versions If you look at the laundry list sometimes it's just one short sentence and then sometimes it has a little bit more information behind it. So I'm going to read just what was on the list that I received. Here's what it says .. "we have feelings of low self esteem that cause us to judge ourselves and others without mercy. We cover up or compensate by trying to be perfect, take responsibility for others, attempt to control the outcome of unpredictable events, get angry when things don't go our way or gossip instead of confronting the issue. That was just one of 14 on the list. I remember reading this for the first time and thinking without mercy. Judge ourselves and others without mercy. I am the type of person that will pick up a spider on a napkin and walk it outside rather than killing it. I've always been that way. I'm just very sensitive to that. So to hear and to read that I do anything without mercy just makes me want to cry, even though I've worked through the frequency in which I do that. But it just it makes me so sad because I know it's true and it makes me think about how bad I feel for the other person, for my partner and for me and in this case, for you. It says we judge ourselves and others without mercy. So why this really struck me. You know I go to the gym several times a week and for the last month or so the place has been packed with kids, for there's either a summer camp going on or it's just summer day care. But these kids range anywhere from maybe five or six to like 13, 14 somewhere around there, and every morning they gather in the gymnasium, in the basketball court area and they're split into groups of some sort. I'm not really sure what the groups are or how they group them up, but I have to walk through the gymnasium to get to the weight room and where all the equipment is to work out, and been walking through this scene for the last month or so since the kids have been out of school. But today was totally different. I have been working on ramping up my mindfulness and being present, as this is the theme for next month, by the way, for the podcast is mindfulness and being present, and it really helps me when I was taming my jealousy, when I was focusing on being present, being in the moment and mindfulness, it really helped me quite a bit. So I knew that I wanted that to be a theme for the podcast and do. Several episodes just focused on that. So I realized gosh, I've really slipped a bit in terms of mindfulness and being present in the moment. Because it was so helpful for me, I wanted to bring it back. So I've been to seeing this and it makes sense why this may be hit me today, because I was really paying attention to everything and I mean no offense to these kids, but anytime you put that many kids in a gym and they're running around and they're playing and they're sweating for hours. It's going to stink and I've noticed the stink every day and I just hold my breath and walk really fast. It's like you can smell the kid germs when you walk through, like this invisible wall of sweaty kid germs. So I've paid attention to that. But this day was different. I was really mindful of like I'm paying attention to everything. I'm going to be really present. So as I was walking through the gym, I noticed a boy kind of sitting off to the side by himself. It didn't really look like he got in trouble and was sitting by himself or that he got bullied out of a group or something. It just looked like his own choice. He was just kind of sitting off to the side. And then I noticed a small group of these three girls that were just chit chatting, just talking in a circle, and a little bit further down, two boys were chasing each other in and out of line. I realized in that moment that is about the age I was when I first realized that my family was different that I remember pulling the covers up over my head, trying to drown out, my dad yelling at my mom that's how old I was and then a little bit further down in the gym there was an older kid maybe 13, 14, who was playing basketball. He was just shooting hoops by himself, probably just trying to waste time, and I thought, okay, wow, that's about how old I was when I told my dad that I didn't wanna see him or talk to him anymore as long as he was drinking. I was about 12 or 13. I'm gonna try to say this without getting emotional, but that was the first time that I ever felt sorry for myself, for my little self, that little girl that I was. I've definitely understood how bad it was and I think a lot of us that grew up in this environment we do this where we kind of blow off the trauma that we felt or the things that we went through, because it's really easy to go. Well, gosh, there are people who had it way worse than that, were abused as kids that were who knows what was happening in their household, and we kind of have that strong exterior where it's fine, it didn't really affect me, doesn't really bother me. But then also we go. But yeah, that was really bad for me as a kid and you try to put yourself in that situation of growing up and being that age and for whatever reason it just today, for the very first time in my life, I actually felt sorry and bad and really sad for that little girl and thinking what could be going on in their home, in their life. And here they are just trying to get through the day, trying to be a regular kid and do regular kid stuff, and is everything fine for them. Or are they a kid who is struggling, a kid who had just stayed up all night because they were worried? And then here they are today, like having to interact and play and joke around with other kids as if nothing ever happened? So today was the first time that I ever actually let myself feel bad for myself, feel bad for that little girl. I may be ahead of you in taming jealousy and a few steps ahead of you in my journey, but we're in this together. There are things that I am still uncovering and experimenting with and learning about myself, and as hard as that moment was and it's obviously still affecting me a bit when I talk about it I know that that was another life-changing moment for me. I don't know where that realization or that feeling or that discovery is going to take me and what's going to change because of it. But I know somehow it was life-changing, just like when I received the paper with the ACA behavior characteristics. I know that that was a pivotal moment in my life, so I wanted to share it with you. Because I go back to that statement, because you probably share in it with me, as I mentioned, that hard exterior, like, yeah, that was hard growing up, but there are people way worse. But to then realize that sentence about judging ourselves and others without mercy, it just made me start to think that's how hard I have been on myself, without mercy. To beat that little girl up, that girl or that boy who grew up like that, who was struggling with all that you were struggling with, whose little brain took over and put all those protection mechanisms in place, who's still struggling as an adult today, to try to untangle all of those wires, to think that you are judging them, you, without mercy. It just doesn't seem okay anymore, or this doesn't seem like the strong thing to do, because that's what I've always tried to be Like. I'm just going to be strong. This doesn't affect me. I'm going to get over it and knowing that I am hard on myself, that I'm beating myself up for all of my imperfections, all of these things that I feel like I don't do right or I struggle with or that are causing pain in my life. I am judging them without mercy. I'm judging that little girl that was doing the absolute best she could without mercy. It just doesn't seem okay anymore, this piece of judging others without mercy. It makes sense because if I am judging myself without mercy and that is my scale of raiding and dictating right versus wrong and good versus bad of course you're going to use that same scale on your loved ones, particularly your partner, which is why the judging others as well, without mercy. So I want to say two things about this. Most of the time, we may pick people to be with that also have childhood trauma, that also had a difficult childhood. That could be the case. Your partner could have also experienced a lot of dysfunction growing up. If they did, then you're also speaking to them and judging them on how they're handling adult life and how they're navigating it. Based on what they went through. You're judging how they're dealing with it and really, therefore, judging that little girl or that little boy without mercy. I didn't realize it as much in the moment, certainly, of telling my husband, in my case, of how he should talk to his ex, how he should you know, things he should say, how he should handle certain things. Don't sit there, don't talk to this person. Sometimes I wasn't that direct, but sometimes I was and just judging what he decided to share with me or not share with me, based on, maybe, my reaction. But I judged that and then that meant oh, you lied to me about this one thing. Then that must mean you're a liar. Oh, that must mean you're a liar about all things. You're a horrible lying person. And we can have conversations with our partners about you know how do we both grow and be better? But my guess is, when we're being judgmental, this is not the type of conversation that we're having with them about change. It's probably more like what I was describing, like why did you handle it in that way? You should have said this instead, because you did that. Now it means this If you lied to me about this, you must be a total liar. What else are you lying about? Because you looked at them or you turned your head to look at someone who was attractive. You're just a big, disgusting, lying, pervert, something like that, right Without mercy. You are saying those things. I know that you have a heart of gold and that you love with all you have. You love with all your heart and you would do anything for your partner and you spend a lot of time probably thinking about what they would like and what would make them happy and what else you can do to show that you love them. So it's so clear, right, that those two things aren't aligned without mercy. And how hard you love, that's not aligned. It doesn't make sense. Something is definitely out of whack if you think of it in that way. And to first address it, ask yourself which one of these two people are you In your heart? Which of these two people are you the person that believes in no mercy or the person that wants to love and care for and show affection and be kind and have a loving relationship and willing to love, even if nothing from your past supports you in doing that? Love without mercy, surrender without mercy. What if you switched it to love without mercy instead of judge without mercy? I'm going to trust without mercy. I'm going all in as hard as possible, because I have spent my life judging myself and others without mercy. And now I'm ready to love without mercy. I'm ready to trust without mercy. The second part of that just that one piece in the ACA Laundry List of Behaviors talks about controlling the outcome of unpredictable events. I've done a training on the five step decision making process, and part of that is about how we people are bad predictors. People make bad predictions all the time, and some examples are like in the 1900s, the president of Michigan Savings Bank warned Henry Ford's lawyer to protect his money because he thought this whole car thing is just a fad, like it's not going to happen. The horses are here to stay. Don't waste your money on all this stuff that Henry Ford's doing. My favorite one, though, is in 1950s, a magazine published an article about the miracles that you'll see in 50 years, and one of them described cleaning the house with just a hose. By now, everything would be made of synthetic fabric or waterproof material, and then we would just spray off our furniture and the rugs and the flooring. We just spray it all down and it would run into a drain in the middle of the floor, and then, when everything dried, you just pull your rug back over to cover the drain on the floor. Oh man, how I wish that prediction would have come true. But it didn't. And a lot of things predicted didn't, and the things that you try to predict will happen often don't either. So consider all the things you worried would happen. How many of those didn't happen. Most of them, most of the things that you sat around in your head and you ran the whole gamut of possible scenarios. And I did do that because at least I did. I did that thinking well, if I think of everything, that's a way to protect myself. If I think of every scenario and I prepare for every possible scenario that there could be, that was a way of protecting myself. So I was trying to predict every possible thing that could happen. And guess what? 99.9% of all of those things that I sat and predicted or thought could happen never did. Now, if you're like me, you also think that you will stuff to happen, like you make things happen. That's how I was. I would just know that something was getting ready to happen, but it was always tied to jealousy. So if we were going to a restaurant and I noticed that there's a table full of women who are at a bachelorette party, I would go. I guarantee we're going to be right next to them and, sure enough, guess what? That's where we would sit. So I would think that I knew I was such a great predictor. I knew what was going to happen. And that's not really the same thing. That's a bit different and a whole nother episode. But I'm talking about when we start to go down this. What if, trail, you know, what if the new account is single and she's tall and she's a blonde? What if she wears short skirts to work every day? Oh my gosh, what if they sit next to each other at lunch? Do they eat lunch together, I wonder? If they eat lunch together? What if they all are going to lunch and then everybody else leaves and those two stay there and they have drinks together. And then I'm trying to call them 20 times and he's not answering because they're making out in the parking lot and they're going to run off to Mexico together. And that sounds exaggerated, maybe, but that's sometimes what I would do. And so then what do we do? Well, we're going to call just to test. I'm just going to test it out, or just had that prediction that maybe they were making out in the parking lot because everybody else left. And if he doesn't answer his phone, that's probably exactly what's happening. Why else wouldn't he answer his phone if I call? If it's just an innocent lunch or innocent dinner, why wouldn't he answer? And so then I'm just going to test to see if they're making out in the parking lot. And just like I knew, I knew he wouldn't answer. I knew it. And so then you start looking up on GPS. Okay, they're still at the restaurant, but it looks like maybe they are in the parking lot of the restaurant. So then you go and you refresh the GPS and now you look again. Okay, well, now it looks like they are back in the restaurant. Now I can't tell. So I'm going to call again because maybe they moved back into the restaurant. So I'm going to call again. And no answer. Okay, they are clearly ordering their plane tickets to head to Mexico or they're reserving a hotel room or something. That's how far down this trail we go, and I apologize because even just me going through that scenario could have sparked some anxiety in you, because now you're thinking about it, don't get triggered. Come back to me, because this is the point you can't control what happens and you're also really bad at predicting what is happening or what happens or what could happen. You think that you're good at it because of how many times you've been quote, unquote, right about betting that you'll be seated next to the bachelorette party. But you're not. None of us are good predictors as people, because we have too many influences playing in the background. If I set my mind that I want to see this particular thing, I'm probably going to see that particular thing. It's like I've talked about before If you buy a Honda, you're going to probably see Hondas everywhere. Now, if you buy a Jeep, you're going to see a Jeep everywhere. Now, that's just how that works. It doesn't make you a good predictor. It doesn't make all of that new information or just now happening. It's just that you're noticing it because your mind is primed that way to notice it. It's not that you're a good predictor. Several things happen when you try to control your predictions. One you, without mercy, give your partner step-by-step instructions of what should happen when they're at work or a work dinner, and approximately how long it should take to park, eat dinner, talk for a few and drive home Maybe, how they need to act or who is okay to sit next to. Then, if you were going to the store and someone told you you have to park in the third aisle and as you're walking into the store you can only look at your feet. You have to get the items in this exact order when a person there'll be a person that almost runs into you with their cart. When that happens, you need to say this exact sentence to them. You can only check out in lane number five and you should be able to do all of that exactly the way I said and be back no later than X time. It sounds ridiculous, but that's what it's like and what I did and how controlling it actually is, trying to control these unpredictable events. There is no way that I could predict that they would be repaving one side of the parking lot at the store I'll three, for parking wasn't even an option. When the person almost bumped into me with their cart, I just sat out of my mouth what came naturally and what felt right in the moment, instead of the script that you gave me. We couldn't have predicted that. Just as I got up to the register in lane five, the one I was supposed to go to, it was time for a shift change and the receipt paper was out so I had to wait for the shift change and for them to switch out the paper. Between all of that and finding alternate parking and it being so full because half of it was being paved, it took me longer at the store than you expected. You may be trying to control the outcome of unpredictable events, but, quite frankly, that you shouldn't be wasting your time on and spending your time on. So how do you stop doing this If you haven't listened to episode 29, the Magic of Surrender with Coot Blackson? Go listen to that, because that is the key. You have to let go of controlling by doing it, by letting go. You know I talk about practice all the time, and this is one that really pays off. You're small. Pick one thing and say to yourself I'm just going to sit back and I'm going to let whatever happen happen. I'm not going to give them instructions on what they can do or what I think they should do, or what I believe they should say, or the exact sentence they should use when they're talking to somebody. Just see what happens. See, in this example, maybe your partner it's a female and she's talking about going on a girl's night out, and that makes you nervous and you're already feeling anxious and you don't even know when it is and you're already thinking about what you're going to tell her is okay and not okay and how late she can stay out. Is that one friend that you don't like going to be there, the one that you don't like? The one that cheats on her husband? Is that one going? Because if she's going, I don't want you to go. I'm going to tell her she can't go. Before you do all that, just let it breathe, see what happens without saying anything, without predictions, and see what happens. Oftentimes there could be a slew of things that happen. The plans fall through and they don't even go. So now you've spent three days upset with an anxious stomach, walking through all the scenarios, probably not being very nice to your partner, probably making comments, and then the plans fall through and they don't even go. Yeah, sure, maybe they'll go again some other time, but it's not right now. Or maybe they do go and just let it happen. Don't give any of the rules or curfew or tell them that they're going to need to give you a play by play. Just let them go and see what happens. You cannot control unpredictable events. What will probably happen? She'll go out, have a good time, come home, crawl in bed and you both wake up together tomorrow morning and nothing's wrong. And when you can fight through the urge to control the outcome or predict all the bad things that you think could go wrong, 99% of the time you're going to find nothing is wrong. It's okay. They didn't leave you. They're still there. They came home. They didn't abandon you for someone else. They didn't stop loving you while they were gone. And the more you see examples of everything being okay when you just let it be, then the more you can let go of control the next time. And the next time, the more you'll see that often your predictions don't come true. The plans change, so there was no need for alarm anyway. None of the things that happened that you were so worried about, none of it happened. The best way to trust someone is to trust them. The best way to trust someone is to trust them. I had to really take baby steps at this. It was just like putting my toe in the water to try it out. Let me just see and then, okay, that wasn't too bad. Nothing dramatic happened. All these catastrophes that I created in my head didn't happen. And even though my partner handled it in their way, which wouldn't have been the way that I would have handled it or wanted them to handle it, but they handled it in their way and still nothing crazy happened. The world didn't stop, they didn't leave. No one showed up at my door to have sex with my partner. None of that happened. They did come home. They do still want to be with you and they do still love you. Start taking baby steps to release some of that control. You cannot predict events, so start letting go Eventually. What you'll see is you'll get some momentum with that, and that's what helped me the most. It was like, okay, this went really well. We didn't even argue about this, it happened. They went to the event or whatever it is, and then nothing bad happened. So that was like momentum for them the next time to go. Okay, I don't like this. This seems even worse than this other one. I'm just going to see what happens, let it breathe, see what happens and then use that to go gosh. That really felt a lot better. That felt pretty good to not be anxious and uptight or get into an argument the whole time, maybe for a little bit. You are still anxious, you're still upset, you want to ask the questions. You don't want them to go. Let's sit with it, see what happens and I would imagine they come home. They still want to be with you and they still love you. The information on this podcast or any platform associated with TopSelf LLC is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or treatment and before performing any of the activities discussed in this podcast. Until next time, take care and remember you're not alone.