Baby Mama and Ex Drama EP 71

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant: Today's topic is one that comes up a lot. And that is about the people that your partner was involved with before you. That's right., exs and baby mamas. 

[00:00:13] Is it okay to keep pictures and gifts and cards from exes? How much contact with the baby mama should your partner have? Does it only have to be about the kids?

[00:00:23] I'm talking about all of it today and I'm a little sick. So let's go.

[00:00:27] Welcome to Top Self, the podcast dedicated to relax your mind, achieve change, and become a healthier, more present you. Are you ready to move past the daily anxiety? Comparing and doubting yourself, and feeling like you're not enough? I'm your host, Shanenn Bryant, and I've ruined many good relationships because of my jealousy, and stayed way too long in some bad ones because of my insecurity.

[00:00:59] But I stopped letting fear drive my actions. And now I can't wait to share with you as I dive into these emotions, shed light on how they might be impacting your life and uncover strategies to break free from their grip. It's time to start living a life of confidence. So, get ready to ignite yourself worth and transform your life because my friend, you are worthy.

[00:01:27] Shanenn Bryant: I feel like your nervous system might already be fired up a little bit just by seeing the title and hearing about the topic of the episode today. and I get it, this is a hard one. I'm going to start with exes first. I feel like this is a little bit easier to navigate. And so, when I say exes, I mean people that your partner has not had children with. These are just people from their past.

[00:01:52] So first I want to say, I feel like we talk way too much about our exes in our current relationship, or more like we learn too much about them. I only know two of my husband's exes’ names. 

[00:02:07] And I thought this was super sus when we first started dating. I was like, why are you, like, why do you not want to share even their names? Like, why do you not want to talk about them at all?

[00:02:20] And, you know, in his response, like, I just don't think there's anything positive of it. Like, I just don't see the reason that we should be talking about each other's exes. And I will tell you, I am so super appreciative that he did that.

[00:02:34] Because think about why you really want to know. Like, why do you really want to know who their ex is? So, you can go stalk him on social media? You're already doing that with your partner. You want something else that's just another avenue, another something else to be anxious of, to get in bad habits about?

[00:02:53] It's just another avenue for you to feel anxious and for you to worry. So, my recommendation, if it's a newer relationship, just set those boundaries in the beginning. Like, we don't need names and specifics. They can still share stories and information. You can still get to know someone, trust me, from my own experience.

[00:03:11] I feel like I know my husband very well. I just don't need to know the particular names or who all of his exes are. And so, you can set that early in a relationship. and they may be used to talking about it, so if they start talking about it, because it doesn't always come from us prying, which a lot of times it does.

[00:03:30] We're digging, we're asking those questions, we want to know who. But sometimes they can just be sharing. They can just be telling a funny story or an experience. And so, we can certainly stop them, um, but having that conversation up front about how much you share when it comes to exes, 

[00:03:47] I think is really important. Now, this is going to be hard for you. If you're still in the phase of thinking that you need to know every single detail and every backstory and every single thing when it comes to your partner. if you're still in that controlling phase, this is actually going to be a good area to push yourself.

[00:04:07] To practice not needing to know all of the details. Because this is stuff in the past. this isn't stuff that's going to affect you today in, in your relationship. So, resist the urge to dig. Now, if you already know all the details, because either, you know, you've been in the relationship for a long time and you did push and you did question or they just shared with you.

[00:04:33] If you already know all of the details then you want to ask yourself what you're really concerned about. They broke up for a reason. And I know I can already hear your your comeback for that like I've heard that and it doesn't help I've heard oh, they broke up for a reason and that doesn't make it any different for me.

[00:04:55] Of course, it doesn't Because also I know you're thinking well in my case they actually broke up with my partner. So, if they hadn't broken up with my partner they would still want to be with them and they're settling for me and who they really want to be with is that person, but they can't only because they broke up with them.

[00:05:12] I know that that's what you're thinking. And I know just saying that, oh, they broke up for a reason, isn't maybe helping you. So, you're going to have to dig into what is it that you're really afraid of? Do they still talk and you're worried that they may get back together, 

[00:05:29] If that ex decides they want to be with your partner?

[00:05:32] Are you worried that your partner's thinking about them or fantasizing about them or wanting to be with them? What is it that you're really afraid of? This is when you need to remind yourself of your own value. We don't do that. And I'm going to come back to this. I'm going to walk through a very quick exercise to do to remind you of your own value and to remind you that they love you and they care about you and that you're important to them.

[00:06:03] So we're going to come back to it. Because it also could be part of your strategy when there's baby mama involved, which that gets a little tougher to navigate.

[00:06:15] in today's world, we are so used to running from relationships. you may have even broken up with somebody because you were feeling jealous and you thought, oh, if I was with somebody else who cared about me more, who showed me more that they loved me, then I wouldn't feel jealous.

[00:06:32] And so then you broke up with them and now you're in this new relationship and probably more jealous than ever. Maybe you self-sabotaged and you cheated on someone subconsciously to get out of the relationship. You left yet another relationship. And not to mention, we're also dating other people who have their own set of traumas, who have their own core wounds, and they're pushing away relationships, and they're breaking off relationships early versus sticking them through.

[00:07:02] There's a lot of breaking up going on out there. And in some of those relationships, there were children. So, if you're dating past your 20s, it's likely that you may be getting into a relationship with somebody where there's a baby mama or a baby daddy.

[00:07:19] So how are we going to navigate through that? Because it's important. It's a, it can be a big sore spot in your relationship if you let it.

[00:07:27] And part of it, I hear this all the time, where we want to set these ground rules for our partner. We're telling them exactly what they should text back We're saying you can only have conversations that have to do with the kids. We're telling them what they should and shouldn't put up with and what they're trying to do and how they're trying to manipulate.

[00:07:47] And we expect that they're going to, you know, pull out their sword and, and do this big grandiose conversation with baby mama to prove to you, to say, hey, look, this is my new girlfriend, or this is my new wife, and she's in my life. And we're only going to talk about, um, you know, we're only going to communicate when it's the kids and just know that she's going to be around and she needs to be included 

[00:08:12] And if you say something funny, just know that I'm not going to laugh at your jokes cause that's going to upset her. I mean, all of these things we put on our partner and we expect him to have this this type of conversation with baby mama or to operate this way. And I'm telling you, I've never once heard of a man doing this, especially on their own. 

[00:08:37] I'm not saying that they don't exist. I've just never heard of them or dated them. I'm not saying that there aren't any out there. And if you are, please email me, DM me, go to Instagram right now, at Top Self Coach or Shanenn Bryant. Let me spell it S H A N E N N. If you are a man who has done this, who has had this grand conversation with baby mama and said, Hey, here's the deal.

[00:09:02] Um, this is strictly now about the children. We are only to have those types of conversations. You can only text me between this time and this time. And, um, just know I've got this new person, and she's very special to me, and she's going to be in the life, and she's going to be around the kids. Like, tell me a man, show me a man, who has done this.

[00:09:20] Please DM me. And I'm open to, you know, I'm open to the power of one. I'm open to new evidence. I'm not saying this man does not exist. I'm saying, if it's you, you might be a unicorn.

[00:09:35] And more importantly, I'm not picking on men. One, I think they just handle things differently. But I'm saying that because I don't want you to think that if your man, husband, partner is not doing that, that that means that they don't love you. We tend to take these things and want these grandiose gestures, saying, uh, well, if you really loved me, this is, these are the kinds of things that you would do.

[00:10:07] Um, or if you're not doing them, that must mean that you don't see me around for long term. Why are you taking her side? Those are the types of things that we're saying in these relationships. And I'm just saying, um, I'll, I'll even open the DMs to women. I bet even a woman is not having those types of conversations with an ex.

[00:10:33] Even you, you yourself, if the roles were reversed and your partner came to you and said, hey, I want you to tell baby daddy this, and just know that you can only text between this hour and this hour. And I'm going to tell you what to say in that response to the text.

[00:10:49] And if you laugh at his joke, it's going to be an argument between the two of us. Like you, then that must mean that you want to to still be with them. you know, why are you showing them attention? Those are the types of restrictions that you may be putting on your partner.

[00:11:08] So I just, I don't want you to think, oh, um, that if they're not doing these big, grandiose conversations that it necessarily means they don't love you or you're not important to them. I think it's just a hard conversation for anyone to have and none of us really know the best, easiest, most perfect way to navigate those kinds of situations.

[00:11:40] And so this is where I want to come back to the part of you reminding yourself of your own value in these situations. because I understand why you do it. I understand why you want this. I understand what you're after. it's another form of external validation. If they show the ex that they're with you now, and you're important, and they, and they tell the ex that they can only discuss the kids and they can only text about the children. That, to you, is validation from your partner that you're important. That they chose you. It's another path of assurance. 

[00:12:25] It's another place in your life where you're seeking someone else to make you feel worthy. To make you feel valuable and important.

[00:12:34] Just another type of drug, right? I talk about this all the time and I relate it to that drug addiction. Like, I get another hit of validation when I ask my partner if they still love me and they tell me yes. That's a hit. That's a high.

[00:12:49] I get another high if they tell me they're not attracted to the coworker and I don't have anything to worry about and they love only me.

[00:12:57] Which, by the way, you never believe them and you keep asking, right? But this needing to control the ex and being an influence on that relationship and, and being very specific of what your partner can and cannot do, or the expectation that they're going to set the baby mama straight or have this grandiose conversation,

[00:13:18] It's just another external validation high that you're looking for.

[00:13:24] So how do you give yourself that validation? How do you give yourself that validation that you're important to the relationship, that your partner loves you, you're important to them? How do you give that to yourself? here's a little exercise you can try. Feel free.

[00:13:41] but close your eyes if you're not driving. And if you are, you can still do this. You can still picture it, but I want you to picture a time where your partner really showed you that you're important to them.

[00:13:53] Play that image out in your head. What did they say? What were they doing? What was happening? What were they saying to you?

[00:14:02] What about a time that they showed you they loved you? What was it? Did they clean your car? Did they bring you flowers? Did they rush and find a flight home from New York when your father passed away?

[00:14:13] That's something my husband did and I try to keep that at the very forefront of my memory. But what were they doing? How did they show that? Picture it. What was happening? Where were you? What'd they say? What was the gesture?

[00:14:30] You don't need to know all the details about their ex. You don't need to look up who they are. You don't need to control and tell them what to text back or know all of the details about that relationship to know they love you. It doesn't have to be a sign of proof that they care about you. You just saw them love you. You just experienced and remembered and saw how they showed you love. How they showed you that you are important to them. That they do love you.

[00:15:07] And don't worry. You'll know the difference. If the relationship is really getting too close or too flirty and there's real disrespect. You'll know it, you'll see it, and then you can set a boundary at that point. but being all in the weeds of their relationship is just not necessary.

[00:15:27] Shanenn Bryant: And my guess is, and you know this too, it's more about your jealousy and what you're afraid of and wanting that proof to you than probably them actually being disrespectful to you.

[00:15:42] So, you don't need to be in the weeds of it, it is just another thing to cause you anxiety and something else to worry about and another bad habit to get in and stalking exes on social media and, and being concerned with what to type and, and how the conversation should be. Give yourself that validation.

[00:16:04] Remember back how they showed you that they love you, how they showed that they cared about you. You're going to feel much better. Like take a step back, scooch back a little bit and let them navigate that relationship as a grown adult. They got it. You can step back a little bit. I promise you; you're going to feel less stressed, less anxious, and you're going to feel more secure in the relationship.

[00:16:31] Okay, I gotta go. I gotta check my DMs and blow my nose. So, that's it for today. Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.