A Nervous System Reset For Jealousy EP 113

[00:00:17] Shanenn Bryant: Welcome to Top Self, the podcast for women ready to break free from jealousy, insecurity, and relationship anxiety. I'm Shanenn Bryant, and today we're going to dig into one of the biggest myths. When it comes to jealousy, and that is that you can think your way out of jealousy or tell yourself, I'm not going to be jealous anymore.

[00:00:42] I'm going to go to dinner tonight and not think about it. I'm gonna wear my best outfit. I'm just not going to worry about it. I'm not going to think about it. And we know what happened.

[00:00:54] thinking and trying to convince yourself that you're going to behave and you're not going to feel jealous and you're not going to get worked up. That only works about 5% of the time. That's because 95% of our actions come from our subconscious. Beliefs. 

[00:01:15] So we can't think our way out of being jealous. It's not gonna work long term.

[00:01:21] And here on the podcast, we talk a lot about our thoughts. And our thoughts are very important. We know the acronym from the Personal Development school, right? BTEA. Our beliefs drive our thoughts. Our thoughts evoke emotions, and our emotions drive all of our actions, all of our behaviors, right? BTEA.

[00:01:44] but today, instead of focusing on our mind, we're gonna talk about our body. So instead of your thoughts, I'm talking about your body today because. If you think about it, if you go back and recall your most triggered experiences, most likely.

[00:02:04] You can tell, and you can remember that your body was reacting before your brain even knew what was happening. You were already in motion. That stuff was already flying out of your mouth. You were already reacting. You already felt, you know, like that gut punch in your stomach or you felt your heart start to beat faster.

[00:02:30] Before you could even really process what was going on, all these things had already happened.

[00:02:38] for example, if you see him texting immediately, your stomach drops. Your thoughts haven't even formed, but your body is, has already decided, I'm not safe. Go into protection mode. This isn't right.

[00:02:53] Something feels funny, this doesn't seem good. We haven't even processed what's going on yet, and this is why a lot of times people feel like they're failing when it comes to try to manage their jealousy and managing their insecurity because we tend to go at it trying to overpower our thoughts and change our thoughts when the work that needs to be done really starts from the neck down.

[00:03:25] Yes, we have to reprogram our beliefs. But in these moments, these triggered moments, we have to start from the neck down. So, this episode is all about reconnecting with your body first, so that your mind can catch up. And you've heard me talk about some different techniques, some different ways to do that, and I'm really going to focus on that in today's episode.

[00:03:46] And focus on your body.

[00:03:49] Uh, before we dig into that, I wanna this total side note, but, um, you know, I have now been putting the episodes out on YouTube as much as possible, so I'm recording today and I did not want to do it, um, because I, uh, this is so silly. Um, women, you can probably relate. Even men you could probably relate as well, but I.

[00:04:14] Asked my hairdresser to cut my bangs. like just cut a little bit of bangs. That might just cover the top of my forehead, like the underneath baby bangs.

[00:04:26] And it was so funny because even when I asked him to do it, he kind of looked at me like, I don't know about this. So, he gave hesitation, but I was like, yeah, like go ahead and I know better. You probably even know better. And it's not even your hair, but he did it anyway. And immediately we both were like, that was, yeah, he was like, this was.

[00:04:53] So bad. This was such a wrong move. And ever since they drive me crazy, they don't lay right. It's funny, I would touch it, but I feel like it's like waking a sleeping baby. I just got it calmed down and settled down and I'm not touching it, but I was really like, I'm not gonna record video today.

[00:05:14] And this isn't new. This is like three months. So, for three months I have been. Fighting with my bangs. So, um, we, we'll see how, we'll see how things go. Um, you know, big problems I have, but I feel very sidetracked by, uh, the bang issue today. 

[00:05:38] But okay. Back to the episode. We are talking about the nervous system and. Your nervous system reacts based on past pain. It's trying to protect you even when there's no real danger. We've talked about before, the snake and the stick, and that's the way that we survived.

[00:05:59] As humans. You know, when we think we saw a snake or we saw something brown and long on the ground, our body went into motion first. You know, it sped up our heart rate. It increased our breathing. It gave us more oxygen so that we would move, right? all of that, so that we could flight from it, right?

[00:06:18] So that we could run from it, and then. It decides and figures out, oh, that wasn't a snake. It was just a stick. When we have trauma, that's part of what happens. That is what happens in your body. So, jealousy and insecurity are body-based reactions. Your body stores that trauma and attachment wounds, 

[00:06:50] and they play out before your body forms a single rational sentence. So, you're not crazy. It feels like that because our thoughts overwhelm us and a lot of times, we do have what is considered, um, an extreme reaction to situations, but. It's just your nervous system is just stuck in that survival mode.

[00:07:17] It has that memory and it's stuck there. 

[00:07:21] so when you're really triggered from something, before your brain even has a chance to form a thought like, oh, well, what if he's cheating? Your body has already reacted. You got a tight chest; your jaw gets clenched. The rapid heartbeat. You've got the pit in your stomach. These physical reactions are automatic survival responses triggered by your nervous system. So, when it comes to jealousy, jealousy isn't just a thought. It is a, it's a felt experience that your body is feeling. It's scanning for danger and reacting based on past emotional wounds, 

[00:08:03] not even from the current moment. There might just be one thing that seems similar. Everything else could be different, but your body has picked that up as a threat as there is some danger. So, if your body feels unsafe, even if nothing dangerous is actually happening.

[00:08:25] Which we know is the majority of the time in re, the relationships that you're probably in now, nothing really is happening in that moment, but it sends a signal to your brain,

[00:08:38] which then create thoughts like, I'm not good enough. He's probably into someone else.

[00:08:45] I am going to be abandoned. All of those wound thoughts.

[00:08:51] So if we think about it in that way, that your body is setting the emotional tone and then your brain is writing the story,

[00:08:58] it all kind of works in this unfortunately painful harmony. If your heart races when he picks up the phone or your stomach drops when he is quiet, that's your body remembering old pain and trying to protect you from it. So, jealousy doesn't start in the mind, it starts in the nervous system. Jealousy doesn't start in the mind; it starts in the nervous system.

[00:09:28] So when we tried our plan of attack to manage jealousy, we’ve got to work on the deep-rooted stuff that's there. All of the subconscious beliefs that we have, everything rooted in our nervous system, those stored memories, those are the things that we have to work on Body.

[00:09:47] First, then mind. And I've got an acronym. I'm going to share it with you. It's bam. BAM, body and Mind. It's also the way that I want you to remember what you should focus on first and what order. So, we're gonna talk more about that here shortly. 

[00:10:09] But going back to the example of when you see them text and your stomach drops, your chest heights, your breath shortens before your brain even forms a thought. Your body has already decided. It is already made a decision. I am not safe.

[00:10:28] Again, it's not you being crazy. Your nervous system is reading that moment through the lens of old wounds, betrayal, abandonment, rejection.

[00:10:40] It remembers everything, even if your mind has moved on. maybe you know these experiences were with an X and you don't have any emotional ties to that X anymore. You're not longing for them. You're not. You're not necessarily feeling the pain of something that they did, but your body is still remembering. In those instances of now, before your logical brain kicks in, your body says, alert, danger, protect me. Your body stores emotional experiences as felt memories, not logical ones. When you have been hurt, lied to, betrayed, ghosted, your nervous system echoes those events as dangerous.

[00:11:30] And it didn't store them as words. It stores them as sensations, the racing heart, the knots in your stomach, the, you know, shaky hands, the urge to run or freeze, or in my case, explode. That's what my go-to was always.

[00:11:49] Remember, our nervous system is like a guard dog. It remembers the feeling of danger even if the threat isn't present anymore. And here's what's really wild. Your body doesn't track time. so, your brain might say, oh, this is a new woman, or This is a new guy.

[00:12:07] Shanenn Bryant: He hasn't done anything yet. He is perfectly fine. Your body says, well, that really felt like the last time that really felt like the exact thing that happened the last time I was left. The last time that I had a heartache, the last time that I was in pain. So, I'm just going to stay alert. It works the same way.

[00:12:32] Like, remember, um, the first time that you touched a stove and you got burned. And so, you were probably a child when that happened. You touched a stove. It was hot, you got burned. You learned from that, right? If you walked up to a stove today and somebody said, oh, you have to put your hand there, and just as you do, you see that it lights up red, like the burner lights up bright red.

[00:13:00] Your body is going to flinch. It's going to react. It's going to pull your hand back.

[00:13:05] you don't actually have to stick your hand there and process the feeling, no. Your body remembers it tied those things together. If I see that it's lit up red, that's what happened before, and I get burned. You didn't have to have the process again. Your body already started in that motion.

[00:13:28] your body took care of it for you. It already said, hey, I don't have time for you to think about this. That's going to put us in danger. so, I'm here, I'm gonna react. And we can think about it later. And when that happens and you, you feel the nervousness and you've got the racing heart and the stomach is upset, it's often why it convinces you that, oh, maybe, maybe there's something to this because it feels so strong.

[00:13:58] Like, why would I feel this way?

[00:14:01] If they didn't do anything or if there wasn't anything here, 

[00:14:04] but we have to remind ourselves, no, your body is reacting first.

[00:14:09] so when your body is protecting you from old information, one, we have to say, hey, I, I understand. And that's the biggest part of jealousy and what I hear the most, and one of the biggest reasons that I do this podcast is because there is so much shame and guilt around it. Because of how we're reacting.

[00:14:30] And I understand that because it, it is definitely causing conflict in our relationships. But part of it too is because of the way that you are speaking about it.

[00:14:42] So if we can explain this, and you can even use that, the hot stove too, so you can say to your partner, hey, have you ever burnt your hand on a stove? Okay. It's like that. If I said to you, Hey. Touch this burner, and right as you do, I turn it on where it immediately lights up bright red. You're going to have a reaction.

[00:15:02] You're, you're gonna pull your hand away, you're gonna pull back. You're not thinking about it. You're not taking time to process it. Your body just reacted. so, I wanted to offer that up even as a way to explain to your partner what's going on, especially if you have these big explosive reactions or these big reactions in some day, in some way.

[00:15:27] that is always your body trying to manage the situation and your brain just hasn't caught up yet. So, we don't want to shame this. We don't want to shame our body for protecting us, and it's a big part of this work is to get over the guilt and the shame, or. Let me back up to get over the shame. Guilt is sometimes, guilt is, can be okay.

[00:15:56] Guilt lets us know we did something wrong. We don't want to continue that behavior. But the shame absolutely not, we shouldn't be shaming our bodies.

[00:16:06] So we have to get over that shame and the way that you're talking about jealousy and understand it and talk about it from that way to yourself and to your partner. so that you can do the right things, the healthier things, to manage it a little bit better.

[00:16:23] just even saying to your body like, hey, thank you for attempting to keep me safe. And part of that work is to let your body know this isn't one of those situations, and that can make a huge difference.

[00:16:40] The more we have this shame around it and we're not addressing things properly and we're just pushing it down, like I'm ashamed that I'm having these feelings. Then we also are ignoring all the stuff that's going on with our body. And we can't train our bodies when it's right or wrong because then we start going into thinking, uh, you know, maybe it's right.

[00:17:05] And we, we let the thoughts just cascade and spiral, which then convinces our body, oh, I'm right, I'm doing the right thing here. it's a way to start training our body, to start with our body, to get it calmed down first so that we can get a clear enough head to then speak to the body again, to say, hey, I know what you did.

[00:17:29] Thank you so much. No shame in it. But this isn't one of those situations. Even though it happened like this before, even though this looks similar, hey, it isn't one of those situations. 

[00:17:44] being able to have that dialogue with your body. You know, we stay in this thought loop, this unhealthy thought loop the other way. We've got to get in the healthy loop, our mind and our body, right? When your nervous system is in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode, 

[00:17:59] if you're trying to fix your thoughts while you're in this panic mode, it's not gonna work. Most of the time it's not going to work. It's like trying to put makeup, you know, on a wound.

[00:18:17] It might cover it up a little bit, but it's still underneath there. And usually that, that makeup rubs off pretty quickly, right? I put it there; it looked okay for a few minutes and 10 minutes later. It's gone and the wound is exposed and it's still there. putting makeup on it, pushing it down, ignoring it, shaming it isn't gonna heal it.

[00:18:44] our thoughts are important, and we do we need better thoughts, so we need to be conscious of them. And I still a hundred percent stand by that. But in these situations, when we're extremely triggered, when we're really panicked, we've gotta go body first.

[00:19:02] You need a better thought eventually, but we don't wanna go to thought first.

[00:19:08] You don't need a better thought in that moment. You need a safer body. So, if, if we can think about it in that way, I. That's where BAM comes in. So, body first, then mind, body, and mind. BAM. You can use this as a new tool, body and mind. And in that order, that can be your new nervous system reset button.

[00:19:33] So when your trigger hits, you can use this acronym. You can say it out loud, bam. Right? Because that's what it feels like too. Like it feels like it just kind of hits you out of nowhere and it smacks you really hard. So that should be easy to remember. Oh, bam, I got hit with it. Bam, it hit me. Now I know what to do.

[00:19:55] Body first, then mind, body and mind. And if you want to take it a little bit further, if you want to take the acronym a little bit further, you can go breathe, acknowledge, move. So, breathe, acknowledge, move to calm is basically what we're trying to do. There are a ton of breathing techniques. I talk a lot about box breathing.

[00:20:15] It's just happens to be my favorite one. But you can Google or go on YouTube and research, um, all the different kind of breathing techniques and just try different ones out. I think different ones work better for different people, so just try them all out and see which one works the best for you.

[00:20:32] but the main focus here is just to try to get your body to calm down a little bit so you can try this through breathing. and then. Acknowledge. So that's the A in bam, acknowledge. So, body and mind, and then breathe, acknowledge.

[00:20:48] So what am I feeling? Where am I feeling it in my body, not your emotions. So, we talk about that. A lot of times. This is just where am I feeling it in my body? Am I feeling it in my chest? Am I feeling it in my throat? You know, where is that showing up? And acknowledge it.

[00:21:04] You know, I can tell what's going on in my going on in my body. Here are all the things that I need to take care of. So how do I calm my stomach in this moment? How do I get my breathing, back to. Regular breaths instead of shallow breaths. How do I get my heart rate down? So just really acknowledging where you're feeling all of the things in your body.

[00:21:26] And then the last one is the M move, move to calm. So basically, like moving, getting that energy out of you.

[00:21:37] There are some different things you can do here. Some people love to Do movement through, you know, patting their chest, maybe doing some grounding stuff, putting your feet on the floor, looking around the room, naming things. You see, whatever it is to help you get calm sometimes.

[00:21:54] Shaking your hands or stretching things out. Anything that moves that energy, that is what you need to do. It's almost like getting that energy out of you, which, um, that's why I love a walk. If you really can do it, that works best for me with really anything, anytime I'm having anxiety, but especially when I'm really, um, you know, if I've been in those triggered moments and I'm really.

[00:22:22] Have a lot of that nervous energy going on, going out for a brisk walk, um, going on the treadmill, whatever, working out, uh, anything to get that energy out because that's really what we're doing when we go to the reassurance thing, right? It's, hey, I, or even shutting down, like, I want this to stop. I want this out of me.

[00:22:42] I don't want to feel this way. And so. This is just a healthier way of getting that energy out versus having to go to your partner for the reassurance, um, or where it comes out here from your mouth. Because believe it or not, that's why we do that too, right? It gets that energy out and a lot of times, especially for me, it would come out of my mouth.

[00:23:12] So however, you have to get the energy out, but that is the move part. 

[00:23:17] You may not get all the way back to zero. Certainly, you know, maybe with the breathing you're not all the way back to zero. You're maybe at, you know, a six or a five or maybe a four. Um, you've acknowledged what's going on in your body and you're moving, you're getting that energy out in a healthy way.

[00:23:36] Then you can start moving to your mind. So. What is the story? So now we're body and mind, or to the mind part, what is the story that I'm telling myself? Is this story even true in this moment? And it can be anything. You know, I always say I feel like there are sort of these three phases of jealousy and anybody that is in the beginning, you know, that has this morbid jealousy and you're in the beginning of it.

[00:24:09] You're, you're probably, you know, having a hard time, even at phase one where everything triggers you, any little thing is going to trigger you. And I remember a long time ago, um, someone was just going to breakfast, you know, my partner was just going to breakfast with people that he worked with, and I absolutely flipped out.

[00:24:32] They were all men. There wasn't even anybody of the opposite sex there. It was like the whole crew of men who were going to work and then they just stopped and happened to have breakfast before they started working and that. Sent me into a tailspin, and it seems ludicrous to think about.

[00:24:51] And certainly when I think back on that today, I'm like, oh my gosh. Like they just went for breakfast. They didn't even go with women to breakfast. It was all men. But at that stage, even like them being out in the world and there was possibly a female around. And I think there was also a part where they didn't tell me.

[00:25:14] So there was some like potential lie component there that I felt like, oh, they're hiding something from me. They're lying. But it was more like who tells somebody? Like it just wasn't important to them. It wasn't a big deal, it was just part of their day and where they would think that's wild that I, that I would think that they would lie about it because it's such a non-thing.

[00:25:40] But when you're in that stage. In that state of it, in that phase, everything is a trigger. So that's the first one. And then I think the second one is, I am okay, as long as I don't see it. So, I, I get that they're out in the world. It doesn't really bother me. Okay. They go to breakfast. Uh, maybe there are women there, but I don't have to see it.

[00:26:02] And so that's kind of the second phase. And then. The last, third and final stage, the one that we probably struggle the hardest to get over. It's like maybe that biggest hump is seeing them like being with our partner. Seeing it happen. So maybe you and your partner are at a table and across the table is this beautiful, attractive woman, or you know, she's got a low-cut chop on or whatever, and you're like, oh, I can't get out of this situation because we're stuck in it.

[00:26:34] I have to sit here. But that's a, that's a separate episode. Perhaps I'll do a whole episode on the three stages, but my point is. We can come up with anything to say like, oh, what is the truth in this moment? Yes, there is an attractive woman across from us. That is true. It is a hundred percent true, but I want you to go deeper than that.

[00:26:57] Like, but what am I thinking? My partner is thinking about it. Do I know that that's true?

[00:27:03] do I know that this story is a hundred percent truth? And the truth is you don't know a hundred percent what your partner's thinking. And even if they think, oh yeah, I mean that's an attractive person, it probably still doesn't go to the depth of the story that you are telling.

[00:27:22] oh, he thinks she's attractive and he's thinking about undressing her and he wants to have sex with her and all those things. It's probably not going that deep, but either way, you don't know a hundred percent if the story that you're telling yourself is true in that moment.

[00:27:42] And so then you have to choose your thought, and this is the choice part where choice comes in. When you're way up here and you're triggered and your body is reacting and all of the things are happening, you don't have quite the agency over choice. In those moments, it's so much harder to go, I'm going to choose a healthy thought.

[00:28:05] When your body is still ramped up like that. So that's why we have to go body first, then mind. So, body and mind, bam. And once we have calmed down a bit again, it doesn't mean we have to go all the way back to zero before we can start going, hey, I have to start asking myself the questions. Is this true? Is this a hundred percent true?

[00:28:27] Is it serving me? What are different choices? member power of one O.N.E.? Open to new explanations. Are there different explanations?

[00:28:36] So once you have calmed down, you can start asking those questions, and then you have choice, and you can choose to think differently. When your body feels safe, your brain can finally tell the truth, right? Oh, it's just a stick. Oh, this is a new relationship. They haven't done anything to hurt me. I'm not in any danger right now.

[00:29:04] Nothing has happened. They're not leaving me for this person. I am not who I was before. I'm not in the same situation I was before. And I'm not saying that all of our wounds come from actual romantic relationships. Many come of course from the dysfunction that we had, um, as children. But same thing. You are not in that same situation anymore.

[00:29:29] So bam will help you to manage between the trigger and your response. So, the next time you feel that spiral coming on, bam, it hit me. You're gonna breathe, acknowledge and move, breathe, acknowledge, move that energy, move to calm. Then you are going to 

[00:29:53] choose your thoughts from a place of truth, not trauma. Is it a hundred percent true. 

[00:30:00] Choose your thoughts from a place of truth, not trauma. And if you're somebody who loves to journal, um, a good journal prompt for this can be, um, you know, what is my body trying to protect me from in these moments of jealousy? And if you don't journal, you can just ask yourself that question in the moment as well.

[00:30:22] so when we can turn these moments into. This new identity and we can get into these new patterns and we're practicing the tools and the steps, and we're choosing to do that. You'll learn how to manage these moments a bit better while you work on all those subconscious beliefs.

[00:30:43] and, if you wanna go deeper on this process and learn your attachment style and change those subconscious programs. We get into reprogramming in the bootcamp. So, the next one is coming up June 18th. You can register in the description below or the show notes.

[00:31:00] Shanenn Bryant: If you're listening on Apple or Spotify. The link is there for you to register. Also, I have a bit of news that I wanted to share with you. I have a new podcast. It's called Lead Without Limits through the Multifamily Media Network, and there are already some really great episodes out there. So, this podcast, of course, is talking about insecurity on the personal side.

[00:31:28] lead Without Limits goes to the professional side and talking about insecurities and leadership and in the workplace. again, there are already some fantastic guests and episodes out there, so please join me there as well. Make sure to follow that podcast, podcast and subscribe to that YouTube channel as well.

[00:31:47] So until next time, take care. And remember, you're not alone.

[00:31:56] I.