5 Daily Gratitude Habits to Quiet Anxiety and Reclaim Joy w/ Dr. Peggy DeLong EP 111

Welcome back to another episode of Top Self. I'm so excited for our episode today because I have Dr. Peggy DeLong, who is a licensed psychologist, known as the Gratitude Psychologist. I love that, um, you help harness the power of gratitude and joy for people to live their best lives.

[00:00:35] Shanenn Bryant: And you do that through a couple different ways, speaking engagements, traditional psychotherapy books, and you have a signature program that we'll talk about at the end. I'm sure that you want to offer that to people and talk about it. So, we will definitely do that We, Dr. DeLong.

[00:00:53] Peggy DeLong: Thank you so much for having me. Great to be here.

[00:00:55] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, I mean, what, what a cheerful, exciting, fun thing to be known for. The gratitude psychologist. So how did you get into that work?

[00:01:06] Peggy DeLong: Well, it was not, uh, an easy start or a welcome start. It was actually out of necessity during tragedy in my life.

[00:01:14] Shanenn Bryant: I.

[00:01:14] Peggy DeLong: I was an ungrateful teen. I was an ungrateful young adult, and when I was 26 years old, I was engaged to a wonderful man who unfortunately was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of cancer and

[00:01:28] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:01:28] Peggy DeLong: away, and it was during the treatment when the doctor said, actually after his treatment, and they said there was nothing left that they could do for him and that he was going to die. It was during those 42 days of his life that I sat by his side day and night when I discovered the power of gratitude for myself. And a simple cup of hazelnut coffee when my world was turned upside down every day was so unpredictable. They told me he was going to die, but I didn't know when. Each day, I didn't know if that was going to be the day.

I didn't know if he could, would, you know, some days he couldn't open up his eyes and, and look at me. Some days he couldn't speak my name. Every day was so incredibly unpredictable. But the one thing that was predictable. that I could get myself a cup of hazelnut coffee, and when all of the visitors would leave at 8:00 PM and I was allowed to stay as his fiancé, I would wrap my hands around that Styrofoam cup.

And the warmth brought me comfort. The aroma, uh, hazelnut coffee has a very strong smell, so that aroma would permeate his hospital room and made me feel, uh, comforted. My 26-year-old self had no idea that what I was doing was practicing gratitude. Now it

[00:02:37] Shanenn Bryant: May.

[00:02:38] Peggy DeLong: for that one simple thing that I could hang on to that got me through the worst days of my life.

So now

[00:02:45] Shanenn Bryant: Mm

[00:02:45] Peggy DeLong: I teach, uh, not to save gratitude for your good days. Gratitude truly is most powerful during our worst days.

[00:02:53] Shanenn Bryant: mm Yeah. And that's the time when it's the hardest to think of. Like, uh, being grateful, especially in moments like that.

[00:03:04] Peggy DeLong: Yes. And., I looked at it a different way. At that time, I, I wasn't grateful for anything. The love of my life was dying. I was not grateful, but I hung onto the comfort that that cup of coffee brought me. And then it made sense that what I was doing was practicing gratitude. So often when there we're in the midst of difficulty, tragedy, or crisis, we might not realize that the things that are helping us get through, like hanging onto that one thing. That's a form of gratitude. We might not realize it at the time because it's just too heavy, too emotionally painful, uh, but that is often what people do to get through those difficult times. 

[00:03:42] Shanenn Bryant: Mmm. Well, okay, so that's very interesting because I think when most people think of gratitude, we think of, I'm saying, you know, sentences of things that I'm thankful for, but you are saying a little bit different. So yes, maybe that is part of it.

[00:04:00] Peggy DeLong: Yes,

[00:04:01] Shanenn Bryant: Can you go deeper into that?

[00:04:02] Peggy DeLong: So often. Gratitude… that is when gratitude can be most powerful, but to encourage people to even contemplate what they might be grateful for during a difficult time. You, it can make you feel angry or resentful. 

[00:04:16] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:04:17] Peggy DeLong: But if you look at it a different way, um, what is going well? What is one thing that I'm hanging onto that is getting me through this difficult time? It could be a person; it could be a hug from a best friend. or oftentimes the silver lining, like for me, the one of the silver linings was a few days before his death when we knew it was imminent. All of his friends from elementary school, high school, his current coworkers, my family, his family, everyone was around him. And he said, there's so much love in his, in this room. And he didn't really speak that way. Uh, that's how I speak, but that, that was not something that he would say. 

So, I knew with certainty that he felt our love, and I am so grateful for that. So, when sometimes it's just looking at it at a different way, especially when you are in deep emotional pain, even the idea of thinking about what you're grateful for might make you feel angry or resentful.

So just taking a look at it a different way, what are you hanging onto? What is bringing you comfort and then grateful for that and then appreciating the love and support or whatever it might be, including a simple cup of hazelnut coffee.

[00:05:26] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah, because it were so easy to go to the negative, we're wired to go negative, so this is really going against what is gonna come natural to us again, especially. In those types of moments where it's where you want to go, why is this happening to me? You know, here I finally find, the love of my life, the person I wanna be with, and why are they being taken away?

And I mean, you could go down that route very easily. So, do you have ways that we can, practice this or like, how do we start to do this? Especially when it feels like that's the last thing I want to do.

[00:06:07] Peggy DeLong: Yes, and I like to keep things very simple, so I have what I call the grateful day, and it's five simple daily exercises and gratitude that even on your busiest of days does not need to take more than five minutes. Of course, you can spend more time if you have the time, but on the busiest of days, it doesn't need to take more than five minutes.

And I purposefully attached the, the different exercises to certain parts of the day. So that you don't need to remember. For example, the first one is upon waking. So, uh, in the morning we all wake up so that you can attach it to that. And the first exercise is simply to say thank you out loud. So, if you're going through a difficult time, you might not.

Actually, be feeling grateful or appreciate appreciating anything but the through the power of language. Those two words, thank you, are associated with positivity and all of our lives. We say thank you when something nice has happened and when we have received something, so our brain thinks we have received something, we get a dose of serotonin and dopamine, and it's just through the power of language.

So, if you're feeling a little bit groggy in the morning, let yourself off the hook. You don't need to be thinking about what you're grateful for. Just trust that through the power of language. You can feel better. also, it helps to shut down those worry thoughts. So often when we're going through a difficult time, it can feel the heaviest first thing in the morning when you first wake up.

[00:07:30] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm.

[00:07:30] Peggy DeLong: in fact, one study showed that, uh, people who are, uh, having depressive symptoms, 75% of people who are experiencing depression have difficulty getting out of bed. saying thank you just helps to shift your mood a little bit so you can start to have a better day and get out of bed, rather than lingering in bed and letting those negative thoughts get even stronger. So, it's a wonderful quick way to start the day and have the, just a little bit of a shift to change the trajectory of the day.

[00:08:00] Shanenn Bryant: I think that one's really important because the women that I work with who are anxious, they're constantly anxious, right? They're either anxious about their partner, they're anxious about, you know, a number of things, and it hits them immediately. I. When they open their eyes, and I hear that a lot, right? I can't go to sleep because I'm thinking about all of it and I'm anxious and the minute I open my eyes, and I think it, that really sets the tone for the day because we've started off just already feeling anxious in the whole weight of the world or whatever it is that we are really focused on.

[00:08:38] Peggy DeLong: Yes. So, I love this simple exercise because it elevates mood while same, simultaneously shutting down those worry thoughts. We can't simultaneously hold a worry thought and a thought about what we're,

[00:08:49] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:08:50] Peggy DeLong: you. They can't coexist at the exact time. Um, so it's so important then to get out of bed rather than linger in bed and let those negative thoughts fester.

[00:09:00] Shanenn Bryant: Okay, so the first one we're doing first thing in the morning. Makes sense. It's that. Thank you. It's getting off on the positive start. What's the next.

[00:09:08] Peggy DeLong: next is also part of the morning routine to, uh, set your intention to be more aware of your blessings as you go about your day. And that is simply a, a self-statement while you're in the shower, brushing your teeth. Saying to yourself, I'm going to be more aware of my blessings today. And this does not need to take any more time because you can attach it to something you already do every day, whether it's the shower, brushing your teeth, putting your shoes on, and I think it's helpful if, uh, like for example, I use my door, the door frame of my bedroom as a check, because once we step out that door.

Then the dog may have thrown up. You've got email to get to. But when you're in your bedroom and your morning routine, that's your time. You're more likely to do it during that time. And this is such a powerful exercise because it activates that part of our brain, the reticular activating system, otherwise known as the RAS. So, we get to tell our brains what's important to you up to ourselves. The RAS works as a filter and. When we tell ourselves that we want to be more aware of our blessings, our brain is going to help us see more of our blessings and the things that may annoy us with, they don't, they kind of lose their strength.

 and when you do this on a regular basis, you will find more and more things to be grateful for, especially if you intentionally keep it simple. So not looking for huge things to happen all day long. You are training your brain to notice and and look for and highlight the things that we label as small, but they're really not small. And when you set your intention in the morning, you will find that your, your brain is looking for them. You will that you're looking, that you have more and more things to be grateful for.

[00:10:50] Shanenn Bryant: I think it's so powerful what you're saying because what people tend to do. Is, and if you don't understand RAS, then you go, oh my gosh, you're just proving things over and over and over, right? Like, I'm anxious that this is going to happen. I'm anxious or worried about this. And so, then my brain is focused on that, and that's what I'm going to see.

I'm going to see how all of these things are adding up to see, I knew that this was going to happen, or I knew whatever the case may be. Where we do have some control over that and we have to be intentional about that, so then our brain starts serving us up all the great things. So yes, okay. Maybe the dog threw up, but also these other things happened.

Right.

[00:11:34] Peggy DeLong: Right, right. I, I love the power of the reticular activating system, and when we're intentional, we get to tell our brains what's important to us, and then we start to see more of that. But it starts with. Intention being really intentional about keeping it positive, because otherwise, as you mentioned, our brains are hardwired to think negatively, and then the

[00:11:53] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:11:53] Peggy DeLong: grow. And a simple way to counteract that is through the power of gratitude.

[00:11:59] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. All right. So, Peggy, we've walked out the door or we've walked out the bedroom door.

[00:12:05] Peggy DeLong: Yes.

[00:12:06] Shanenn Bryant: What's the third one?

[00:12:08] Peggy DeLong: The third one is to every day express appreciation for one person. And I love this one because the research shows that the number one predictor of happiness is our human relationships. So, this exercise pulls in human relationships in the context of gratitude. So, on your very busiest day, there could be a 32nd text to a friend letting that person know. That you appreciate them, you appreciate your relationship, and you love having that person in your life. If you have more time, you could write a handwritten gratitude letter, and the research shows that this is really powerful for yourself in terms of elevating your mental health. Uh, yes, it's wonderful that the recipient gets to receive something, but the research shows that actually it's the person doing the writing that has the

[00:12:54] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:12:54] Peggy DeLong: mood.

So, if you're having a bad day, one of the simplest things that you can do for your own mental health is to write a gratitude letter for someone, uh, that you're grateful for having in your life.

[00:13:06] Shanenn Bryant: Oh, how interesting that it kind of, boomerangs back to you.

[00:13:11] Peggy DeLong: Absolutely. I.

[00:13:12] Shanenn Bryant: Wow, that's super cool. Um, so are there some misconceptions about. Gratitude, like is there anything that you can think of that people maybe they assume is gratitude or that they think of?

[00:13:26] Peggy DeLong: one. that I get frequently is that people need to wait for something huge to happen or, or big to ex to experience, appreciation or gratitude. So often I have to, uh, intentionally tell people to keep it simple, like intentionally keep it simple. what might you be taking for granted?

Start there, especially if you're going through a difficult time, whether it's a loss of a loved one, loss of a job, uh, intentionally. Keep it simple. Do you have running water? Do you have a comfortable bed to sleep on? Uh, I often look out my yard. It's a little bit brown now, but it will soon be green. And I love the gr, the, the green grass, the, the, I can, I appreciate the green and a blade of grass. It can be, uh, that simple. And when we train our brains to look for the simple, there's more available to us. So that's one misconception that I often, uh, to address with people

[00:14:23] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:14:24] Peggy DeLong: to res. Uh, resist that idea that it has to be something huge. Keep it simple.

[00:14:30] Shanenn Bryant: Mm. Yeah. I'm gonna have to learn how to be thankful for the gray skies here in Indiana in the wintertime. Like how do I get to be like, thank you gray skies. But, um, I, I would, I would assume it's also like we're not making things up when it comes to this, because like, that's why I gave that example. I can't be grateful for the gray skies because I don't like them.

So, are we really wanting to look for things that, that we do that are positive?

[00:15:04] Peggy DeLong: Because if it isn't something that you truly appreciate, your brain is going to resist it, and it will backfire. So, there are always simple things. So, if you, if it doesn't resonate with you, and I like to, uh, encourage people. To tap into like how their body feels like, does it feel good to think about that? Even if it's

[00:15:23] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:15:23] Peggy DeLong: we label as small, then you're on the right track. If you, uh, if it doesn't resonate with you, pick something else. Uh, you don't have to force yourself. In fact, your brain is going to resist that if it truly doesn't resonate with you.

[00:15:39] Shanenn Bryant: Okay. Okay. So, we have done number one where we are, you know, I'm thankful I get up in the morning, I'm thankful. And then, um, we have, oh, I forgot number two.

[00:15:53] Peggy DeLong: set the intention to be more aware of blessings.

[00:15:57] Shanenn Bryant: Thank you. Um, and then number three, so we're reaching out to someone. I love this one and I'm so bad about it. I've gotta get better. But reaching out to someone and just showing appreciation for them, right.

[00:16:10] Peggy DeLong: Yes. And, um, and to have no expectation. It's really no, or, or what comes out of it. It's lovely if something nice comes out of it, but to go into it without the, the expectation of anything coming out, really just enjoying. The moment of when you were doing the appreciation and the studies looked at why are gratitude letters so powerful. And one of the reasons when they looked at the content of people writing gratitude letters, it's not just the positive, it's also the absence of negative. So, if you're going through a difficult time and you're sitting down and writing a 10-minute gratitude letter, it just might be the only 10 minutes of your day.

That has no room for negativity. You are intentionally thinking of the positive. So, it really is twofold. It is positive, but it's also the absence of negative

[00:17:00] Shanenn Bryant: That's so funny that you bring that up and I really, it, maybe it was Lou on Lewis house, like School of Greatness podcast where they talked about this and they were asking that question like, which one is better to be. Less negative or more positive. And it was true, like less negative. Being less negative, which I'm like, I was like, aren't they the same thing?

But they're not.

[00:17:20] Peggy DeLong: Right. Right. They're not, and I loved that. This particular research study, looking at 300 college students. Writing gratitude letters and, and they analyzed the letters, like why was it making them feel so good? And the other neat thing was that the letters didn't even need to be sent. They had the same boost in mood. Whether they sent the

[00:17:39] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:17:39] Peggy DeLong: or not really highlighting the power of that, it's really for the benefit of the writer. It's nice that when you do send it and that you can make somebody else's day and boost somebody else's mood when you send it. Like how nice is it to get a handwritten letter in the mail?

We just don't get those anymore.

[00:17:56] Shanenn Bryant: Right. Oh, so good. Okay, number four.

[00:18:00] Peggy DeLong: Number four is to use your emotional pain as a trigger to practice gratitude. And what I mean by that is first, allowing yourself to feel whatever painful emotion you're going through grief. Betrayal, resentment and resisting the temptation to stuff it and ignore it. and then after you're ready to, after you've processed it and you're ready to move on, you know, we don't want to get stuck there all day.

Then using gratitude as a method to move forward. And I like to go over three ways of doing so. One I mentioned before that's looking for the silver lining. So, in the midst of the difficulty that you're going through, what is one positive thing that you can hang on to? For me, it was my fiancé saying out loud, there is so much love in this room.

It was one of the worst days of my life. But that was a silver lining that I know with certainty that he felt our love. But sometimes it's not readily available. Sometimes it might be too painful to even consider a silver lining. So, then another method is to look for how you might be growing. What might a lesson be within that pain?

What, uh, how can you see yourself, um, your, your life being enhanced or how might you be growing? But once again, it might be too painful in that moment. So, then the third method is to look for the underlying positive value, and that is always accessible. It's always there because you wouldn't be experiencing emotional pain if a positive value wasn't somehow violated. The task becomes uncovering, what is that positive value for you? And it's different for everybody. So, for example, if, if the emotional pain is grief, the positive value that's being violated is love. If you're experiencing betrayal, the positive value might be trust or Something along those lines like it,

[00:19:50] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:19:50] Peggy DeLong: for each person. So, you uncover what that value is and then be that value challenge yourself by the end of the day to somehow exemplify that value. So, if it's love, what is one simple thing that you can do that's loving? it's trust, what's one simple thing that you can do that demonstrates trust? We can't control what comes our way in life, but we have 100% control over how we show up in the world. And this is one method of turning emotional pain into something that makes you feel good through the power of gratitude.

[00:20:23] Shanenn Bryant: Mm. That is so good what you're saying. Um, because like, uh, kind of in a teasing way, but if we look over the last couple years of my life, I'm, you know, to my husband, I'm like, oh, it's like a bad country song. Like, my uncle died, and my dad died, and the dog died. I mean, all of that literally happened. And then I started getting like, uh, and then now our parents, you know, and, and kind of worrying about that like.

This fear of the future in a way and feeling like, oh, everything's downhill from here because I'm gonna start losing these people and my husband will have to bring me back. But it, but what it has taught me in a way, in that positive way is like, oh. I can still connect and be closer to my child, like be that parent where I'm really like, okay.

It's sort of that reminder of being really present in his life because I know how it feels to be worried about, you know, that parent leaving, I don't know, maybe same thing or along the same lines, but.

[00:21:27] Peggy DeLong: Yes, it helps you to be absolutely, to be more present, which gratitude. I, uh, one of the benefits of practicing gratitude. I truly believe that it helps us to be more present in our lives. But I also, um, I think that the. powerful benefit of this exercise. Is that it, it encourages us to, uh, not avoid our emotional pain, to feel our emotional pain. As a therapist, I've been a therapist for 30 years and I would say one of the top reasons that people are afraid of feeling emotional pain is the fear of getting stuck there. And when you have these tools to move forward, you, you can just do them one time and you know that it works. And then in the future it makes you more likely to feel your emotional pain, which sounds strange that I'm encouraging people to feel pain, but I know the consequences of not doing so.

We become an emotionally numb when we don't allow ourselves to feel, and then we lose access to joy to the. Fullness of joy. We don't get to pick and choose what emotions we feel when we numb ourselves to pain. We are also unwittingly numbing ourselves to the fullness of joy. It's so important to feel, but it's scary.

So, using gratitude is one method to pull ourselves forward and out of that emotional pain when we are ready, but we first need to feel it. One of my favorite phrases is by Edith Eger, we cannot heal

[00:22:50] Shanenn Bryant: Oh.

[00:22:50] Peggy DeLong: we don't feel.

[00:22:52] Shanenn Bryant: Yes, I love her, and I see this a lot with my clients, um, where they might be in a relationship, and they don't leave the relationship. They may know it's a terrible relationship for them. They may know I need to get out of this relationship, but they're so focused on the pain, the immediate pain that they're going to go through.

Leaving that relationship because breakups are hard. Even if it's the wrong person, especially if you've been with them for a long time. You, we want it to work, otherwise we wouldn't be in it. But they get really focused on that immediate, instead of thinking about well after that though, how great is it going to be after that?

So yes, we got to go through it. And you know, being able to focus on like the, after that pain.

[00:23:41] Peggy DeLong: Yes, and trusting that it's coming. feeling along the way there, there, I wish there was a way, uh, without feeling such a deep pain, but there isn't. We

[00:23:55] Shanenn Bryant: Right.

[00:23:56] Peggy DeLong: feel, we need to feel through it and the benefit that when we do and we get to the other side, then joy is even brighter.

[00:24:05] Shanenn Bryant: So good. Okay. What's the last one?

[00:24:08] Peggy DeLong: The last one is when our head hits the pillow at the end of the day, very similar to how when we wake up in the morning, if you're going through a difficult time, all those worry thoughts can come rushing in. Same thing happens right at bedtime. When the lights are out, we, we don't have any distractions. We can get lost and just ruminate and, uh, one small negative thought can get stronger and

[00:24:30] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:24:30] Peggy DeLong: and stronger. So, I love thinking about one thing that went well that day. It helps to minimize the negative thinking when you were intentionally. Telling your brain to think about something that went well and particularly keep it to the day that just passed.

And this has, uh, many different, uh, benefits. First of all, what we last focus on uh, goes into our sleep. So, when we

[00:24:55] Shanenn Bryant: Mm.

[00:24:55] Peggy DeLong: keep it positive, it helps to facilitate more restful sleep. In fact, one study looked at 400 adults. And 40% of the adults in the study were diagnosed with a sleep disorder.

They were experiencing such difficulty sleeping that they sought assistance from a physician and were diagnosed with a sleep disorder. And they did a gratitude practice at bedtime, and they reported statistically significant, improved quality and duration of sleep just by

[00:25:24] Shanenn Bryant: Wow.

[00:25:24] Peggy DeLong: about what they were grateful for at bedtime. So right away it improved sleep. I love what it does the next day. So, when we do this on a regular basis and you know that it's coming at bedtime, you will actually find that you are searching for these things because you know you're going to hold yourself accountable. So, you become more present in your life.

You notice more wonderful things. They're highlighted for you as they're happening, and then you get to recall them and re-experience them at bedtime. So, so many, uh, wonderful things happen when we do this simple exercise of reflecting upon our day and thinking about what went well and what we're, how we're grateful for what went well.

[00:26:05] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah. I love the thought of, you know, kind of going through your day almost as this challenge of like looking for things that you're grateful for. And then okay, let's recap those at the end of the night.

[00:26:19] Peggy DeLong: Yes, and, and I think, uh, because we're tired sometimes, uh, it might not feel like you're grateful for it. So, a simple rephrasing of what went well. And then appreciating that it went well.

[00:26:33] Shanenn Bryant: Right, right. Um, this has been so good. I love this. One final question though, how do you think like fostering this, this, um, practice of gratitude, how does that help us to build resilience?

[00:26:51] Peggy DeLong: It helps to build resilience by developing a positive mindset, which truly is crucial because it's the positive thinker who's going to apply for that job. It's a positive thinker who's going to ask somebody out on a date. It's a positive

[00:27:06] Shanenn Bryant: Hmm.

[00:27:06] Peggy DeLong: who achieves their dreams, and it helps to counteract that, uh, negative wiring of our brains, that negativity bias. How our brains are just simply, unfortunately work against us in so many ways by perceiving negativity even when it's not there. So, gratitude is one way to, to flip that around and when you do it on a regular basis. What I love about science is that we can see with functional MRIs that we are truly forming new neural pathways to be more positive

[00:27:38] Shanenn Bryant: Yeah.

[00:27:39] Peggy DeLong: simply through daily gratitude practices.

[00:27:43] Shanenn Bryant: Mm. That's so good. We can literally change the way our brain is thinking

[00:27:48] Peggy DeLong: Yes, we

[00:27:49] Shanenn Bryant: by being intentional with this, right?

[00:27:51] Peggy DeLong: structure changes.

[00:27:53] Shanenn Bryant: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Dr. Peggy DeLong, thank you for being on top self and sharing this with us. We are truly grateful for you in all that you're doing. Thank you so much.

[00:28:06] Peggy DeLong: for having me.

[00:28:10] Shanenn Bryant: I.