3 Stages of Jealousy Management EP 114

[00:00:00] Thanks so much for tuning in again to the Top Self podcast. My name is Shanenn Bryant, and today I'm going to talk about the three levels of jealousy that I have really witnessed and and experienced myself. So I came up with these three levels and recognized them. Not only in my own experience, but also with my one-on-one clients, as they are progressing with their jealousy and working through this process.

I noticed these phases that they go through are these levels of. Change when it comes to their jealousy. So I wanna [00:01:00] share with you what those three levels are, because I know how it can feel when, especially if you're new to this podcast or if you're new to trying to figure out what this is that you've been experiencing and how to work through it, it can feel like a huge uphill battle.

And so I just wanna give you some checkpoints, I guess, and. Offer some things that you can do at each of those levels to help you move toward the next level.

 So level one or this stage one For me, I feel like it is the high alert stage. This is when every single thing bothers you. You are constantly anxious. You're constantly on edge. You can't focus at work. You're not present with your family and your friends and your children. Every single thing all day long, [00:02:00] every day revolves around this jealous anxiety that you have, and that is the high alert stage.

Everything from if your partner goes to dinner, you're triggered. If you see that they like a photo on social media, you're triggered even just thinking about someone talking to your partner of the opposite sex or that you would consider a threat to your relationship. Even thinking about it is a trigger and will set you into a spiral and you pretty much live in spiral.

All day long, every day,

and this is the stage usually where people, either one, they don't understand, or you're just now realizing that this jealousy exists, that the way that you think and the way that you behave and the things that you are spiraling about. Aren't [00:03:00] just specific to you that there are other people out there that experience this and that have these same feelings and emotions, and hopefully with this podcast, you are starting to figure that out if you're new to it.

Sometimes we hang out in this stage for a very long time, and so some may know, okay, I know exactly what this is. I know that this is jealousy. Here's where I think it comes from. Or I've always felt this way in my relationships. Or sometimes it might be since the one relationship. So maybe there was infidelity or maybe there was, um, you know, a divorce along with it or something major that happened.

Where you are able to pinpoint, Hey, ever since then I have been feeling jealous and insecure, and this has been a growing thing in me, or it's just always been here. I have always been this way. [00:04:00] But now it's to the point where it's constant. And I think that's what happens with most people is you might have had a tinge of it for a very long time and then.

You get in relationship with someone, remember attach. So that's where attachment styles come in because when we attach romantically, that is usually when the insecure attachment style will show up and those insecure attachment characteristics will show up in the relationship, and a lot of times it's either because you're with someone who is doing things that really trigger those insecurities with you, or sometimes you're with someone who you feel like could be the one, or they're a really great person and you are putting a lot into this relationship.[00:05:00] 

Now side note, what I want to say is to that point on both of those types of relationships, whether it's somebody that is not really bringing out the best in you and they're, and they are validating your insecurities, or you are with someone that you're like man and this is a great person either way, what happens is we put all of our needs into this person and we want them to fulfill all of our needs.

So we've taken that away from ourselves. we are not fulfilling our own needs, and then we dump this

responsibility onto this new partner. Oh, hey, now I get all of my needs met through you. I get all of my validation through you, and that then becomes really [00:06:00] where the problem lies and where we get stuck in these habits. In this high alert stage is also when we're probably constantly going to our partner for that reassurance.

So they may have said that they went to lunch with coworkers, and you're going to ask question after question after question to get them to say what you want them to say or find that relief that, oh, it was only male coworkers that went, or vice versa. It was only female coworkers that went basically that there was no one there that you needed to worry about.

That's what you're looking for and you go to your partner to validate that, to tell you that that's the case, or that whoever they were there with, they aren't attracted to. And so we're starting to go then to our partner I feel [00:07:00] uncomfortable, and now I'm putting the responsibility on you to make me not feel uncomfortable.

And then we feel really bad in this stage. This is where a lot of the guilt and the shame and really not liking ourselves because we're jealous, and the more we have to go to our partner for this validation, the worse we feel about it. It doesn't last for very long, so then we have to go back to our partner for it again.

Now our partner starts to get upset and they start to get irritated with us, and that makes us feel even worse and continues to poke on those insecurities. And it just heightens how you're already feeling, and that is just the vicious cycle that we're in.

Also, usually in this stage is where all the insecure habits start checking their phone, looking at their emails, [00:08:00] looking them up on location services, asking them a million questions when you're not really interested in how their day was, you are only interested in getting the information that you need to feel better.

So that's when all of these insecure things start. This is typically we're, um, maybe having arguments in our relationship or you're shutting down and kind of freezing on them and really making them pay in, in a way for how you are feeling. Oftentimes too, if you haven't come to the point where you realize this is a you thing, not a them thing,

We're really blaming our partners at this stage and saying things like, well, if you wouldn't look at her, I wouldn't get upset. If you weren't this way, then I would feel better if you gave me more attention. If you called me during the day.

We're giving all of these [00:09:00] things that our partner has to do to make us not jealous, to make us not insecure, to fulfill our needs and our insecurities. So that is the high alert stage, and it's probably not even, probably, I shouldn't say that. It is the roughest stage in my opinion, because

it's constant. It's all day long. You get to the point, I remember thinking, I am so sick of myself. I can't even stand myself and my own thoughts, but I don't know how to turn them off. I can't make it go away. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't work. I wasn't focused on myself, I was only focused on this.

It's all I could do and all I could think about. So. Here are some things that you can [00:10:00] do to help to start to move to stage two or level two, and that is we have to give ourselves a little bit of relief. You've gotta find a way to just

 get some of that anxious feeling out of you, even if it's for a very brief amount of time. And the way we can do that is through the insecure habits of Think Do and Say. And. I did a way early episode on Think Do Say and how we get in those habits. So you can go back and check that out. I can't remember what episode number that is, but usually we've got these three categories of things 

So our insecure thoughts, our insecure things that we do, and our insecure things that we say to our partner. if we start with the insecure thoughts, t hose are of course, the [00:11:00] hardest to manage and it's probably what you're struggling with the most. But what we can do is intentionally throw in positive thoughts.

At this stage, it's really hard to get rid of negative thoughts. But we can do that and start that process by intentionally adding positive thoughts. So every time, and it's gonna be a lot in the beginning when you're in this stage, but every time you think a negative thought about your partner or yourself, just something in general 

Intentionally put in a positive thought. There was a study done, I've been talking about it here recently, and I'm gonna have to go pull where that study was from, but they were saying, Who is happier? The people who remove more negative thoughts are those who add more positive thoughts, and it was those who add more positive thoughts, but also we tend to repeat our thoughts and you know this [00:12:00] very well because you are thinking today the exact same thoughts and going through the whole same process of spiraling thoughts that you did yesterday, and it's probably all about the same thing.

So let's add some positive thoughts. Let's be intentional about it. So that tomorrow maybe we grab one more positive thought than we did the day before. So that's one way in the think. And then the say, this is where I gave the advice of if you're saying something negative to your partner, like, you know those little jabs that we say mine again, I've talked about this before.

Mine was always like, oh, that must've been your other girlfriend. Or that must be, that must have been your girlfriend.

Replace that. So take a list, like what are the negative things that you say to your partner? What are those little jabs that we spout off to [00:13:00] our partner? And then just write a new sentence. It can be anything. It doesn't have to be the opposite of what you're saying. It can be, I like that shirt. You look good in those pants.

I. Love how you do this or say this. It can be anything. And I just challenge you that the next time you wanna say something smart like, oh, that must've been your other girlfriend, you're gonna now say, You look so hot in that shirt. That's what you're gonna say instead.

And then if it's still eating you up and you've gotta say the thing, okay, but let's just practice when you have the urge, and this is going to do you some good down the line, because a lot of this is how do we manage our emotions? So when you have that urge to spout that out, go to your list, say something positive.

From your list, it doesn't even have to make sense necessarily. Just say it, say the [00:14:00] positive thing instead. 

 Okay. then the last one is the do And this one is huge. If you are doing things like looking your partner up on location, checking their email, looking at their phone, the social media, who are they following, who are they liking?

Any of those, I want you to pick one. The one you think is easiest for you to stop doing. 'cause we want that momentum. So pick one that's the easiest and you just can't do that one anymore. You can do all of the other ones. If there are 12 other things that you do on a daily basis and I'm not making fun, I was there.

It was a full-time job, you're just gonna pick one. You can still do everything else. Everything else to scratch that itch if you need to during this time, but you're just gonna pick one and go, I'm not gonna do that one anymore. And even if you have to start with, I'm not gonna do it today, I'm not [00:15:00] gonna do it for the next hour, if you need to.

I am not gonna do it today. I'm not gonna do it for a week. I'm not gonna do it for three days, whatever. I'm not gonna do it while we're on the trip. Whatever it is to get you on that road

of not doing it, it's going to give you just a little bit of relief when it comes to the anxiety.

Because here's what's interesting is I know before you even ever pick up their phone, you already feel like shit about it. You already feel bad, you already feel anxious. Your stomach is already starting to hurt at the thought of picking up their phone, sneaking and looking and what you might find, and then you find nothing, and then maybe you feel a little bit better, right?

we have to experience what it's like to not feel that anxiety just for a moment, just for a little bit [00:16:00] so that you can see how good it feels to not go down that road. So that is my advice, um, for just some quick things that you can do in stage one. This is also in my opinion, where getting some outside help is really, really beneficial because this stress, this anxiety It is not only not good for your relationship, but it's not good for your health. And I know you can feel that. I have clients where I can see like they're breathing. They hardly can catch their breath. They can't focus at all. And if this is you, take that step. And get some outside help, whether that's coaching through me, whether that's coaching somewhere else, whether that is therapy, if you think that's the route that you wanna go down, but very important that you seek some outside [00:17:00] help.

Um, if you're struggling to do these things on your own, if you're struggling to do these things on your own. that is stage one or level one, the high alert stage. And this one, um, it is, is very painful and I get that and I know that, and I'm here to help if you want to start working down that path. 

 So then stage two is what I call distance dependent. This is kind of the avoidance stage a little bit. You're a little bit calmer. Only if you don't see it.

 this is where maybe you've started to do some work and you're like, okay. As long as I don't see it in front of me, I don't see it with my own two eyes. I do pretty well. I can stay out of the spiral most of the time. I'm not constantly anxious and thinking about [00:18:00] it.

 I am not constantly anxious about everything that they do. But if I see it in front of me, I still get triggered. this is kind of when you're no longer obsessively checking, but you're still not regulated a hundred percent. So if something comes into your line of sight, you're vulnerable to snapping, to shutting down to spiraling.

And this is the stage that is really an opportunity to build your emotional muscle. You're learning to shift your focus from them to you. And that is also my recommendation. So in this level two or stage two. You're doing well, you might still be asking them questions, you aren't as much coming up with or conjuring these ideas out of the blue.

But [00:19:00] if they say, oh, I went to lunch with coworkers today, you're probably still asking questions about that, but you're not making it up in your head every day and just wondering and then asking if they did. But if they tell you or if you know that they're going to an event, you may still be asking questions, but it's less of you making it up in your head.

It's less of you. Struggling, even if they're going to dinner with someone. So you might still ask questions, but you're not on a complete spiral. this is the stage where we're able to start to turn the focus from them to us and start thinking about, well, what are things that I am interested in what are things that I've been neglecting or too afraid to go do because I've been so focused on my partner.

So a lot of times this is okay, I'm [00:20:00] gonna actually spend, you know, quality time with the kids. I'm gonna be able to be a little bit more present with the kids, or I haven't went out with my girlfriends in a long time, and I'm gonna try to start building that in. Oftentimes, this is when we can really get focused on our careers or our passion, our ambition, and I highly recommend that.

Like, what's the thing that you've always wanted to do? Or have you been wishing that you could get a promotion at work, but you just haven't even been able to concentrate or focus on it because of this, this is the time to really turn inward and start thinking about those things and doing little things that contribute to that.

I. So if you're still from stage one, okay, I'm still not looking them up on location services and I do see where that's feeling really good and now I'm starting to really [00:21:00] focus that work and make some improvements. And I've got some goals that I wanna hit there that I wanna focus on, or I've got, you know, I'm dreaming now about this business that I've always wanted to start and maybe I'm starting to put pen to paper.

On what that might look like But this is really when you're starting to move into that. I also recommend at this stage, is there another insecure habit that you can stop doing. So if you've done well with the first one that you chose, is there another one that you can stop doing and 

 Eventually you can get there. You know, when I first started, I was doing, all of the things. you know, location and checking the phone and if they were in the shower or, you know, whatever it was. and I don't do any of those things anymore, so it can happen.

Yeah, but we've gotta start somewhere and we have to like, okay, now I have managed [00:22:00] the first one. I'm gonna bring in the next insecure habit and just make a commitment to myself. I'm not gonna do it. And that part is a choice. Even if it feels like you're super drawn to that phone and oh my gosh, I just can't stand it.

I've gotta do it. It is a choice. But the more that now you're starting to feel the benefits of focusing on yourself and thinking about how things could be if you focused on yourself and those things that you wanted to do. All of that starts to feel really good in. You're building momentum now. Then for stage three, what I call stage three is emotionally equipped, and this, especially if you're working with a coach or going through my, one-on-one client program.

You can get to the point where you're emotionally equipped. So we will work on, how do I [00:23:00] fulfill my own needs? Because remember, and even still in stage two, you're probably going to your partner when you're feeling uncomfortable and you're going to your partner for that reassurance 

Whatever we are going to our partner for, to validate, to fulfill, it's because we're not giving it to ourselves. So you have to learn how to, first of all, what are your needs? So in those moments of insecurity, what is it that you need? What is it? The story that you're telling about yourself, and how do you meet your own need?

And people always think, well, if I'm meeting all my needs, why do I need my partner? It's not like that. It's, I am not gonna have to go to my partner for that validation all the time because. I know that I am worthy. I know that I am enough. I know that this is how, if I'm feeling a particular way, this is how I make my [00:24:00] own self feel better, and I don't always need that validation from my partner.

It's a lot of responsibility to put on your partner that they're the ones that have to make you feel good all the time. You don't feel good unless they're constantly telling you and reminding you and saying something positive about you, that's a really hard thing to put on your partner. So in this stage three really are starting to learn how to meet your own needs so that when these things come up, when you start to feel insecure, you can ask yourself, what is it that I need in this moment?

What is it that I'm most afraid of? And then you've got things you can do for yourself there. Now it's of course always nice for your partner, you know, to hear nice things from your partner, but those are just gonna be bonus. Those are just gonna be a cherry on top when those things are set and not the expectation

[00:25:00] in this stage three. It is also learning how to communicate, especially about your jealousy. And sometimes, you know, maybe you're learning this in stage two as well, but this is where we can start to talk about our jealousy without all of the shame. Because the sooner you can start talking about this, minus the shame that, oh, I'm such a bad person.

I hate the way that I am, I hate this thing about me. The the closer to understanding how to manage it you will be, it's okay that you feel guilty when you've maybe mistreated your partner a bit. Maybe you shut down and stopped talking to them because you thought that they looked at someone or you were accusing them, or you, you know, don't say anything to them.

You don't tell them what's wrong and you just shut down. You can feel guilty about that. That's fine. Guilt lets us know when maybe we've done something wrong [00:26:00] that we can improve on later, that's okay. But the shame, the hating yourself because you're like this, that will not serve you. And for whatever reason, sometimes we don't wanna let go of the grip of that shame.

Almost like, oh, if I feel bad about this then that says something about it. Like then that, that shows that there is something wrong with me and you've gotta let go of the shame. If you want to move forward and you wanna move through these stages, the quicker you let go of the shame, the better you will be and the the faster you'll recover when there is a disagreement with you and your partner.

I can remember a time, you know, getting into an argument about it, and it was like a week where it. It could have been over so much sooner, but I felt so bad. And then just all of these other thoughts and and emotions and [00:27:00] spirals kept coming up for me even when we were trying to reconnect and I'm like, oh, I can see why you wouldn't wanna date me even more that you wouldn't wanna date me, or even more reason for you to not wanna be with me.

That is not helpful. That just keeps you in the spiral and keeps you in the jealousy. If you have that shame about yourself and you are jealous because it's a protection mechanism. That's nothing to feel shame for. So this is the stage where it's really letting go of the shame and understanding that that is an important part of the whole process, so that you can move forward, so that you can manage it better.

 I talk about the space between the trigger and the response. We have choice there and we want to lengthen that. Right. So in the, the beginning stages, think [00:28:00] about that. I did a whole episode on that as well. Where if, between the trigger, as soon as you're stimulated, as soon as that trigger comes, we really wanna lengthen the time before you respond in any way.

Whether it's, you know, um, responding by looking at that, their phone to give you validation by responding, you know, or responding by asking them questions. But we wanna lengthen that before your response. But we wanna shorten the gap between the response and the recovery so that that recovery part is very short.

And the way you do that is by letting go of the shame. It's the shame that keeps that space before recovery so long, and that is even more damaging on your relationship. Okay, so that is stage three and where we [00:29:00] really just get to understand how we manage our emotions, how we can communicate and talk about jealousy and not push it down and ignore it.

And I talk about this often, the more you ignore or try to push away or try to go, oh, I hate this about me, and push your jealousy. You are not then allowing to experience it for it to tell you what it, like, why it's there for you to learn from it, for you to learn how to feel the uncomfortable emotions and work through them, because if you keep pushing it away, you're never working through the uncomfortableness, you're never working through the emotions.

How do I get myself on the other side of this without using my partner? That's how being in stage three, you are kind of managing that. [00:30:00] You're able to do that. A little bit better, and then it's going to take a way bigger trigger usually, or a bigger circumstance, a bigger issue to get you jealous, to get you triggered, to make it something where you're feeling all of that anxiety again.

And I know for most of you, especially if you're in stage one and you're in the very beginning of it. How fantastic would that feel if even for a day, but for weeks on end that you didn't have that anxious stomach, that you didn't have the spiraling thoughts all day long, every single day, and if something did come up, you could manage through it yourself.

And learn how to calm yourself down, how to feel [00:31:00] better without having to engage your partner for it. Those are the kinds of things that we work on in one-on-one coaching. If that is something that you're interested in, there is a link you can book a free discovery call. We can talk about all the different ways, to get you through these stages.

I'm happy to help, but I wanted to just provide this. For you of what I've seen doing this work. But more importantly for you to know there are setbacks. Of course, you're gonna have maybe a setback here or there, and you're gonna feel like, oh, I just slid backwards. But just know that it, you're gonna have that from time to time.

You're gonna have a hiccup. You're gonna have a misstep. You're not gonna do it as well as maybe you did it before. That's going to happen. but you can still be on that uphill trajectory. You can still be on that uphill climb, even if some days or some weeks you don't do it [00:32:00] as well.

I know from experience, there can be a week where it's like, oh my gosh, I feel like I'm just all right back in it again. And if that happens to you as you move through these different stages the best thing you can do, and the thing that is going to take you further and take you to the next stage is to go, what can I learn from it?

Okay, so maybe I had a horrible week where I felt like I was right back in the trenches of this. What happened? What happened before? What was going on? How did I react? How, what did I say to my partner? What are the things that I did? As long as you're learning from it. You can grow. So it doesn't mean, oh, I've gotta sit there.

And I've seen it so many times where people are so upset and they feel like, oh, I'm right back to zero. And because of the things they've learned, because they've been working on themselves. They end up [00:33:00] managing through it and then they're kind of catapult forward. I've seen it so many times, so just know if you have a slide back, it's okay.

Don't let that shame creep back in and just keep moving forward. And if you need a break, okay, take a break. That's okay too. You don't always constantly have to be working on yourself, but I wanted to share that. I know that, um, it, it feels very daunting and hard in the beginning, but just know that there are ways and things that you can do to manage through, and we all have setbacks from time to time, and that's okay too.

Okay. Until next time, take care and remember, you are not alone.