3 Lies Insecurity Tells You Ep 130

Have you ever had this experience where you went your whole life thinking something was one way or that's just the way this is, you never questioned it, there was no debating it, it's just, yep, that's how this works or that's the words to this song or this is how I do things. And then one day you...

learn something about it. Like somebody gives you new information or you find out something about the thing and you're like, wait, what? And like everything changes your brain. Hang on a second. I have a silly example of this. So, this has been a little bit ago, but my husband and I, we were kind of wanting something, you know, different and almost a treat.

My husband and I were like, we want peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. we, you ate, or at least we did, eight peanut butter and jelly sandwiches all the time when we were kids. And so, then we were like, my gosh, that sounds so good. A PBJ sounds so good right now. So, we're in the kitchen. We're both making, you he's making his PBJ, I'm making mine. I look over and he is

He has put peanut butter on one slice of the bread and jelly on the other slice of bread. And I was like, wait, what? Like, hang on a second. I don't know why, but I have never thought to do that. I've never, I just, put peanut butter on.

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the piece of bread and I put jelly on top of the peanut butter. And it does, you know, it has bothered me because sometimes, you know, the knife gets gross and then you've got peanut butter in your jelly jar and that's disgusting. Then you got to clean that out. I don't know why folks; I have no idea why I never thought about putting peanut butter on one of the slices of bread and the jelly on the other. I mean, it's just one of those examples of how you learn something

where you interpret something and you just do it that way automatically through life. I've been, I've been making PBJs like that since I was a kid. He's been making PBJs different like that since he was a kid. So anyway, I probably won't still change the way I do PBJs because it's not that, you know, important. but I don't know why my brain just never

questioned it or never thought about like, well, what's a different way? So, then we were talking about this, and it reminded me of when, I mean, we laugh so hard. My husband was like, are you serious? Like you've never thought to do that. So, we laughed so hard. And then it reminded me of when he and I first started dating and you know, you just like start to get to know each other and you're sharing stories. And I don't remember how it came up, but

He told me that, you know, when he was a kid, all the way to probably a little, like a little later in life than it should have been for laryngitis, he thought it was laryngitis. Like Dr. Larry and Dr. Jitis founded it or like, you know, came up with the

the remedy for came up with it, like doctor.

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Dr. Larry and Dr. Gytus are the ones that like discovered laryngitis or whatever. I don't know what his thought process was, but he thought it was laryngitis for far too long. I about peed my pants when he told me that. Like I laughed so hard that he forever thought it was Larry, Larry and Gytus for laryngitis hysterical, but

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Because most of us didn't choose how we think in relationships or some of the things that we do. It was something that we learned. It was something we absorbed some strategy that we use to survive an emotional situation. And remember we talk about the way that these, the way that our beliefs.

develop in us is through the three imprint elements. What we constantly witness, what we constantly hear, what we constantly experience. Or a big emotional event. So, when we think about this, now when insecurity comes up, we almost don't question it. It's also why we try to tie...it's also why...

We often tie our identity to being jealous or being insecure. We just assume when sometimes these insecure feelings come up, either that's just the way that we are, or it must be true because I'm feeling that way, or there must be something wrong because I'm feeling this way.

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But what if insecurity isn't telling you the truth? What if it's just repeating that story over and over over that you learned? it's just repeating that strategy that you learned over and over and over again? So, we're going to talk about the 3 BIGGEST lies insecurity tells you and why they feel real even when they're not. So, lie number one.

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If I don't stay alert, I'll get hurt. And this is maybe one of the biggest struggles that my one-on-one clients have when they're starting to see some shifts and they've been working with me for a bit. And then they kind of get scared of like, wait a second. If I stop doing these things, if I stop checking their phone, if I stop worrying or trying to figure things out or trying to connect the dots.

Then if I put my guard down, then what if something happens? And this is what keeps us staying in that place of like being on the edge of our seats and feeling like we have to tune into everything.

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We notice every shift in tone, every pause, every tiny change of energy or tiny change in someone's schedule. And then it rings these alarm bells for us because we're always like, I see something different. You're on alert looking for all of these things that could hurt you. That could be signs of you potentially getting hurt.

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And it doesn't just spread across, or it doesn't just show up in jealousy, for example. So, we in a very soon are going to take a whole family vacation now.

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It's my parents, my mom and my stepdad, my husband's parents, and then our kids and their girlfriends, all staying in one Airbnb in one big beach house. So, it should be interesting. Wish me luck. But because of that, because

Most of the people that would watch Gunner, our dog for us, now he has to go to a kennel because everyone's going. And when I was thinking initially about the kennel, I mean, we trust the people at the kennel. We think they are so amazing. They take such good care of Gunner. But when I started thinking about it, because on the weekends, they don't have people there. They're like their hours are shortened. So, there aren't people there. And I started thinking about it I was like, my gosh, like

What if something happens at night and there's no one there? Like what if there's a fire and there's no one there and the animals can't get out? My husband's like, why would you even think that way? Like why would you even think that? And worry yourself like that. And it's like, because that's how my brain is used to working. Right? And that is still something that I have to really...

try hard to not let my brain go there because it has been trained and I just, I have done that for so, so, so, so, so, so long. And it's really hard for me to not do that. But he was right. Like, why would I bog myself down thinking this lavish thing? And the other thing is if I'm worried about it, our entire vacation,

then I'm not going to be present and I'm just going to have this wait to me. But also, let's, you know, things do happen. Most of the time, 98 % of the things that we worry about, even probably 99 % of the things we worry about don't actually ever happen. But let's just say something bad did happen. I'm not going to feel any less.

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bad about it, it's not gonna like, it's still going to devastate me. It still would totally tear me apart. Worrying about it and constantly thinking about it is not going to change, is not going to make it less if that happens. And this is the kind of thing that we do with our relationships too. Like, if I don't worry about it, or if I

If I stop worrying about it and something happens, then I'm going to look like a fool or, you know, then it's kind of my fault type of thing. Almost as if we think we can create it. Like, well, I don't want to stop because then what if something was happening? Or if I stopped doing it and then something will happen. And those are just, again, those stories that we, that we drum up.

that cause all of our struggles. Remember, our struggles are in our stories. And it is definitely a story that if you stop, it is definitely a story that if you don't stay alert, you'll get hurt. Not true. Whether you're alert or not alert, if that thing happens that you're worried about,

it's still going to be painful for you.

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So, in this, when we're caught in this, it's like we're trading peace for preparedness, and we think we're being smart. But all it really does is just it makes your life heavier.

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Because you're not fully in the moment. You're always bracing for this thing to happen.

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That's what this lie does. It convinces you to just stay on the edge of your seat all of the time. To be aware, to look for all the signs, to look for things. And we know what happens when we look for things. We'll find stuff or we make it up.

We're going to find something, even if it's not something that we need to worry about. Or we're going to interpret something as OH, maybe this is reason I should be cautious or OH, is that a red flag? Because we're already at an 8 or 9 heightened on awareness.

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But here's the thing, safety doesn't come from watching everything and being prepared and controlling your environment and controlling your partner's environment. It doesn't come from that. The safety that you're seeking comes from trusting that you can handle whatever happens. You can handle whatever emotions you experience.

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Not trusting that nothing bad will ever happen. Like if I gave this thing up, and which I did, and I had to say, okay, I can't think about that anymore. There's no reason it's not healthy for me. It's not, you know, it's just, it's keeping me anxious and amped up and he's right. I will be, you know, if I continue down that path, I would be thinking about it the entire time that we were gone. And it's not about like, okay.

If I just will let this go and nothing bad will ever happen. It's not that. That's not life. But if we can think and realize life really is 50-50 anyway, 50 % of the time, it's great. The other 50 % of the time kind of sucks or can suck. So, if we just know that already going in 50-50 life is 50-50,

But the difference is, I'm not going to waste this 50 % that's fantastic and could be great. I'm not going to waste that worrying about the 50%. That's not so great. I'm just going to know that I can handle whatever comes my way. I can handle whatever emotion I will get through it. Would that be a great scenario? No. Would it be painful? Of course. But I know I've got myself.

I know that I would recover, that I would be eventually okay, and that I would be able to handle those hard emotions.

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So, you can't out alert life. You can't out prepare uncertainty.

But you can trust yourself. can trust yourself that if something happens, you can deal with it. You already have.

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You have already survived disappointment. You have already handled things that you never thought you could get over. You just don't give yourself the credit for that part of your story. Because it's easy for us to hang onto the negative. We also don't think about the positive enough. That other 50%. So, when insecurity whispers and starts to tell you the lie that if you relax or if you aren't alert, you're going to get hurt.

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What it's really trying to say to you is you don't trust that you can handle what comes next or what could come next. But you can. You already have.

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You don't need to live on alert to be OK. You need to remember that you're capable of handling life, even when it doesn't go as you hoped. OK. So, lie number two.

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Okay. So, lie number two. If I feel this strong, if I feel this strongly, it must be true.

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And this one is so convincing because our emotions, they show up really loud, they show up really fast, they show up with a whole lot of urgency. And when you have that emotion hit you and your body is reacting, you've got the racing heart, you've got the sickness in your stomach and you feel really tunnel vision, like, I can't think of anything else. And kind of out of it, you can tell you're not really thinking straight.

Of course, we're going to think, there must be something wrong. If I am feeling this strongly about something. If I am feeling this way, it has to mean something. There has to be something there. No. That is not true.

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Unfortunately, we were never really taught to manage our emotions, to pause and say, wait a second, what if this is just my nervous system reacting to something that seems familiar? What if this feeling is just information? It's not instruction. It's not, I don't have to do anything with what is happening in my body except for lean into it and work through it.

But I don't have to react in any kind of way. It doesn't mean that it's true.

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Feelings tell you that something inside you got activated. They don't tell you what's actually happening outside of you. Like they aren't.

truthful the majority of the time.

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And this is where we really get stuck. Because we don't react to what's actually happening. We react to the way that we're feeling. So, when we feel all the, that energy and that emotion going on, one of the, one of the reasons that we stay stuck in this reassurance loop, especially the reassurance loop, when we have that coming up in our body and we're feeling that way, we don't like the way it feels. And so, and here's the other big key part.

is in your head you're going, here it is again. Here I am insecure. I'm jealous. I hate this about me. I don't like this. I hate when this shows up. I hate this feeling. And so, then we shame ourselves and we try to stuff that feeling down. We want it to go away. We want it to go away as quickly as possible because it's uncomfortable. And so, what do we do? We give it away. We do something to

Get it out of our system. We either lash out at our partner. We go to our partner to seek reassurance. We go through their phone. We track them on location services. But we're doing something to get that emotion out one way the other to stop it. And it's usually, if you are listening to this podcast still, it's probably you're choosing an unhealthy strategy to get that emotion.

out of you to stop that feeling. And this is why we stay in this reassurance loop because then we get it. We either check their phone or we, you know, ask them a ton of questions and then we get that reassurance and it helps us a little bit and it calms us down. But we haven't solved the real problem of again, going back to trusting ourselves. But then also...

We didn't learn to process and lean into and manage our emotions ourselves. As long as you keep giving it away, you're not going to learn how to process through it and how to manage through it. And if you are interested in learning how to process through it, 30 Days to Different is coming up very, very soon. And there is a link.

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in the show notes if you want to register, believe it starts February 18th, but all of that information is there. It is 30 days to different where I'm there supporting you every single day. We are taking these micro mini steps to start to learn how to lean into this, to start to learn how to process these feelings and these emotions that come up.

So that we're not doing those types of things. We're not lashing out. We're not shutting down. We're not going to our partner constantly for reassurance. And we're doing that in a very, very supported way. So, if you're interested in 30 days to differ, I am so excited about this program. It's probably, one of the, the, one of my favorite things that we have done. did the bootcamp a while. I did the bootcamp, you know,

We've done the bootcamp before we've done a bootcamp before where it was really digging into attachment styles. And this to me, I love this 30 days to different because it's really understanding that slower is faster. That taking many steps and making these little micro changes is so, so powerful. And I'm there with you.

every single step of the way. So, if you're interested, sign up for 30 Days 2 Different. It's going to be amazing. So, this is why this lie is so damaging. Because we feel like, I have to do something about it.

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And again, going back to, then we end up like we're not reacting to what's actually happening. We're reacting to the way that we're feeling, and those two things are usually very different.

You can feel rejected without actually being rejected. You can feel disrespected without actually being disrespected. You can feel fear without there actually being anything wrong. And you can feel like you're about to lose something without losing anything at all. Without being anywhere near about to lose something.

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And so, when that feeling is so strong, the problem isn't that we believe it, it's that we're so with it.

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One of my favorite things to do with this, obviously there's a whole process. mean, when you are triggered like that, as I've mentioned before, we've got to do body first, then brain. So, there's a whole, you got to work on your nervous system and figure out how to do that. Again, we do that in 30 days to different, but then, you know, work on the nervous system. So, your brain comes back online, and you can think logically. But one of the biggest things that has really helped me.

when I have those emotions come up, whether it's in my relationship or my friendships or just something in the business that comes up that brings really strong emotions, is that I've realized, wait, I don't have to respond to this right now. I don't have to. I get to have the choice to... OK.

This is how I'm feeling right now. My emotions are really strong. I also know from doing this work long enough and really paying attention to emotions that in a week from now, in 3 days from now, in 24 hours from now even, I'm not going to feel this strongly. Maybe the thing would still be bothering me, but it's not going to feel as strong as it does in this moment. So, I don't have to react right now.

I get to say, hey, you know what? I'm going to manage that. I'm going to process through this and I'm going to think about it and I'm going to call my body and I'm going to figure out what this information is trying to tell me, what these feelings are trying to tell me. And maybe it's nothing except for, this looks really familiar to something else. And maybe that's it. Which then in that case, I don't have to respond. And then if it's still something.

that is bothering me, OK, I may then decide OK, I want to have conversation about this, or I want to bring it up. But that is going to look very, very, different than if I would have addressed it in that moment when I was heightened, when my nervous system was a wreck, my thinking in my logical part of my brain was turned off. It would look very different. So, we have to just realize that

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You can respond later. You can come back to it tomorrow. You can revisit in three days from now.

So just knowing that I had the option and remembering that I had the option to respond later, made it easier to not react in that moment. It's like, hey, wait a second. If I don't address it right now, it doesn't mean that I don't get to later. It doesn't mean that maybe I should say something. Maybe it is a conversation that I need to have. And I can still do that. But I'm going to have a very different conversation.

with a calmer, more rational head than if I do it right now. And it took the pressure off. It reminded me that I wasn't trapped in this urgency. I wasn't trapped in these emotions, in this ick feeling that I had in my body. I didn't have to just like, get it out, get it out, get it out. And using unhealthy strategies to do that.

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Because clarity is never going to show up in a panic. It shows up after things have settled and you know usually after the dust settles when you did react, you're like, my gosh, why did I do that? I kind of really went overboard. My guess is 90 % of the time when you react in that moment, after the dust settles, after a while, whether that's right after it happened.

or right after you had a reaction or if it's 2 days later, usually you're like, ugh, OK, I may have overreacted. I may have overdone it. And then you start feeling bad about yourself. this approach to knowing you can handle it later, it alleviates all that. Like, OK, now I don't have to feel that shame. Now I don't have to feel that guilt.

that I reacted in a way when I wasn't ready to.

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So don't let those loud emotions make your decisions.

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It is not true that if you feel that strongly, it must be true. False. Okay. Lie number three.

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Okay, line number three. If I control more, I'll feel... If I control more, I'll finally feel secure.

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And this one is kind of like, if I manage things better. A little bit like the first one, except that we THINK by controlling things, that that gives us security. And again, this just creates so much negativity in your relationship and it's really hard to keep up with.

And you find yourself disappointed a lot. If you are constantly trying to control where your partner goes, who they are talking to, what they're watching on TV, who they're hanging around, who's around them, who they talk to at work. It's really, really tiresome.

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When we start tightening our grip and like, well, I'm someone who needs all the details. need more certainty, more reassurance, more clarity, more control over how things go. And we kind of, you know, we kind of do another small lie to ourselves of like, well, I'm just like, I'm just someone who needs all the details. I'm just someone who wants, you know,

Because I'm the one planning things or I'm the one that's having to take care of things. No, no, no, no. You really don't need to know all the details. Like maybe that's something at work where like, OK, give me all the information so I make sure I do it right. Not really that way in your relationship. At least it's not going to feel very healthy and you're going to exhaust yourself.

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And the irony is it's like the stress that you're trying to avoid by controlling the outcome and everything. It just gets spread over the entire process. It's like, well, you're trying to avoid stress. Like, well, if we if we change it to this date, then maybe those people won't be there. Or if we don't go over here, then maybe that won't happen.

It's like instead of again, kind of going back to, okay, well, if something does happen, we have to practice and learn how to manage through that versus the stress you're trying to avoid is now spread out over everything. Like now I got a worry like, we can't go here. We can't go at this time. Or what if this comes up or what if they have an event or it just spreads the stress all across the board to you and

to your partner.

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So instead of dealing with the discomfort at the end, you live in this mid-level stress the whole time.

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So, you're tired anyway, you're tense anyway, you're worried anyway, just in a longer, slower way.

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Control doesn't actually give you peace.

Control doesn't actually give you peace, it just gives you the illusion of it.

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Real security comes from something different. Trust that you can handle disappointment. Trust that you can handle uncertainty.

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Things have already happened to you that you didn't want. Things have already gone differently than you hoped. And yeah, they were uncomfortable. Sometimes they were painful.

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But you're still here. You still made it through. You still figured it out. And guess what? I know there have been great times since. So, all through this, you've also experienced great times after the painful times.

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So, when insecurity tells you if you just control this a little more, you'll feel okay. You'll be able to relax, knowing that this isn't going to happen. You can pause and say, maybe I don't need to control more. Maybe I need to trust myself more. I need to trust that, okay.

If that's the way it ends up going, I need to trust myself. I need to trust my partner. They're going to handle it. It's going to be okay.

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Not trust that everything will go perfectly. We know life is 50-50. But trust that you can handle it if it doesn't.

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So, when you look at these 3 lies, if I don't stay alert, I'll get hurt. If I feel this strongly, it must be true. If I control more, I'll finally feel secure. They all come from the same place. They all come from trying to protect ourselves. Trying to feel safe.

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Every single one of them is just a different way of saying, I don't want to get blindsided. don't want to, you know, I don't want this to fall apart. I don't want to lose someone or something that I care about.

And of course, and of course that makes sense. But here's the part I want to leave you with.

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You don't need better strategies to protect yourself. You don't need to stay more alert. You don't need to feel less. That's another thing that people do. Like, I'll just shut down and not have feelings. No. And you don't need to control more.

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You just need to remember something you already know, even if you forget it sometimes. You have been through things before, things you didn't choose, things you didn't want, things that felt overwhelming at the time.

You handled them. You figured them out. You handled them. You figured them out. You kept going.

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So next time insecurity starts telling you a story about what you need to do, what you need to fix, what you need to manage, what you need to worry about, you don't have to fight it. You can just pause and remind yourself; I've handled hard things before. And if this goes, I've handled hard things before, and I can handle this too.

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Just trust in yourself. Just trust in yourself. And that changes everything. Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.

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Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.