14: The Ticket To A New Self-Image

[00:00:00] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Welcome to Jealousy Junkie, the podcast to help you go from jealous and anxious in your relationship to calm and confident. Today I'm talking with peak performance coach, Jackie Ulmer, who has been married for more than three decades to a pilot. And look, I didn't start the rumors, but aviation is just one of those professions that has always been associated with infidelity and cheating. 

[00:00:32] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And if you're listening to this podcast, my guess is you struggle with self-confidence, perhaps feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem. Jackie is here to tackle all of that noise and help you create a first-class life. Welcome Jackie Ulmer. 

[00:00:52] Jackie Ulmer: Thanks for having me. I'm looking forward to it as well. Yeah, it's a juicy topic and it's one that we all deal with. 

[00:00:57] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Well, I thought it was a really important topic for us to talk about that self image piece because for someone who's extremely jealous in a relationship, a lot of times we go to all of those exterior things where if I were 20 pounds lighter, I wouldn’t be so worried. If I had blonde hair and blue eyes, I wouldn't worry. If I were taller. 

[00:01:18] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: There's all of these things that we feel like if we were different or could change on the outside, then all of our anxiety would go away, and we know that work is on the inside. 

[00:01:31] Jackie Ulmer: It is on the inside. It's so true. And you know, you can go there with just about anything, whether it be money, our looks, whatever.

[00:01:38] Jackie Ulmer: I mean, we know the story of lottery winners, right? Most of the time, within two years, most lottery winners are back at broke and everything else because it wasn't the money that was going to change things for them. They had to change other things. And that's it. So often with our self-image. 

[00:01:52] Jackie Ulmer: We all have heartaches and heartbreaks and trauma of some sort. We all have things from the past that started in childhood that have brought us to where we are today. And the downside is that so often we hang onto those stories of the past. We like to believe that that defines us, that that is who we're gonna be forever.

[00:02:14] Jackie Ulmer: And it's a lot, you know, I'm not gonna pretend that it's not a lot of work to let go of that. But it really is possible, and it just simply requires some major thought work to begin to let go of those limiting beliefs. And especially with a partner, it's like, look, they chose you to start with, and so you have to get really real at saying, Are they really no longer choosing me?

[00:02:35] Jackie Ulmer: Has that really happened? Or is it my insecurity from a past relationship where somebody did betray me, or a friend of mine who was betrayed or something where we tend to take that and project that. If that happened in the past, that's what's gonna happen in the future too. But the most important work that we can do is to really reframe that self-image and when we're stuck in that limiting story from the past, we're living the self-image that we have for ourselves. 

[00:03:05] Jackie Ulmer: When we set a goal of who we want to become, to move away from that, we have to create a new self-image and a new set of thought processes and a new set of habits to get us from point A to point B. It's like any type of goal, if we set that goal, we have to become somebody new.

[00:03:25] Jackie Ulmer: Maybe not dramatic changes, but we have to become somebody new to step into that new self-image of who that person is, and it's possible and it's probable and it's freeing when you ultimately take the steps to do that. 

[00:03:40] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yes. We hear, "I'm a jealous person." You're not a jealous person. You're a person who experiences extreme jealousy.

[00:03:49] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And I think it's really even just a small shift of the way that you're saying those things to yourself, and you are thinking in that way of... this is who I am. 

[00:04:00] Jackie Ulmer: Well, and you just said the two most powerful words, right? I am. And whatever follows that defines your belief and yourself image about yourself. So it's so important to speak good thoughts and good words about yourself. S

[00:04:13] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So if we wanna start changing our thoughts, changing our self-image, stepping into this person that we want to be, not on the outside, but on the inside, what's the first step that we can do? 

[00:04:28] Jackie Ulmer: It's getting really clear; it's being really honest with yourself about where you are now.

[00:04:33] Jackie Ulmer: I'm a big journaler. I'm a big person for thought downloads. I'm a big person for just stopping and saying, Let's get everything out of the inside of us and out of here, and out of our gut, and out of our heart. Let's get it written down and just do the ugly work. You know, just let it all out. Free flow, just write.

[00:04:51] Jackie Ulmer: Write everything that's bothering you, every limiting belief that you have. All of that, just get it out first so that then you can actually look at it. You can take a step back and you can objectively look at that and say, Wow, A, that's a lot. B, that's mostly negative, and C how is this serving me or not serving me?

[00:05:11] Jackie Ulmer: And what would I rather have those statements be? So it's really making that pivot of really the thought process and beginning to say, Okay, I am not a jealous person. I'm experiencing jealousy. What would it feel like to not feel that way? What would the story be that I have to tell about myself and ultimately tell about my partner too, in order to move away from that belief?

[00:05:35] Jackie Ulmer: And so, it's beginning to redefine those "I am" statements. I am confident, I am worthy, I am chosen by this person. I am enough. Just doing a whole series of those I am statements that take you to that different point. And then saying, you know, how does that person show up? How do I show up in my relationship?

[00:05:55] Jackie Ulmer: When I've let go of jealousy, when I've let go of those limiting beliefs, when I've let go of projecting stories onto my partner that he or she doesn't necessarily deserve and they haven't earned, if you will, or you know, done the actions that should bring that on. How do I show up in that partnership to be that kind of person that's fun and light and loving and fun to be around? Doesn't drive them away from us, so to speak. 

[00:06:23] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah. Well, and I appreciate that you took it a step further even, not just what can the thoughts be different or how can I be different, but how can the relationship be different or how can my life be different? What does it look like? What does my life look like?

[00:06:40] Jackie Ulmer: Yeah. And if it's raising confidence, it's, it's one thing to set a goal. I think one of the biggest reasons so many New Year's resolutions fail is because we set goals, but we don't ever really look at what that means. Who, who am I right now, and who do I have to become? Because a goal, really and truly a goal is not about attaining the goal. The real object of the goal is the person who you become along the way to achieving that goal. 

[00:07:04] Jackie Ulmer: Because to get from point A to point B, you have to become a different person. Now, that doesn't mean you have to make dramatic shifts, necessarily, depends on what your goal is. But you know, to lose 20 pounds, let's even say, it's not necessarily a dramatic shift, but there are some changes that are gonna have to take place, whether it's, you know, food, thoughts, exercise, whatever it is. Something has to change. 

[00:07:27] Jackie Ulmer: So when we set that goal, whatever it is, we have to look at our behaviors and our habits, which is why we don't get our goals. We get our habits. We have to take a look at what those habits are that have us showing up the way we are right now, and what would that new person's habits need to look like in order to get there.

[00:07:45] Jackie Ulmer: And it's not about getting from point A to point B in one day. It's about, all right, I've set this goal. I've set a realistic timeframe to when I'm gonna be there and what are those slight edge adjustments and habit hacks that I'm gonna take and make every day that ultimately get me to that point. And it's those little things, the little changes that we can do that create that success?

[00:08:10] Jackie Ulmer: A confused mind says no. So when we take on too much, when we decide that, you know, just even taking the 20 pounds, All right, I'm gonna start working out every day and I'm gonna start eating this and I'm gonna clean out my pantry and do all. Plus, we're juggling a job and two kids and you know, whatever else.

[00:08:26] Jackie Ulmer: That's what throws us into, oh, this overwhelm. This is too much. I can't do that. So we have to make those little shifts all along the way that take us to becoming that new person and stepping into that self-image that matches that goal. 

[00:08:40] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: How often should we be setting these sort of incremental things and celebrating them? Is that important to achieve that? 

[00:08:48] Jackie Ulmer: It's absolutely important. There's a theory called the consistency chain, and there's actually a book written called that it's for a network marketing business, but it's so true. And the consistency chain really and truly is about looking one step ahead of you. Looking at today and saying, These are the goals that I'm gonna set for today, and these are the habits that I'm going to change.

[00:09:09] Jackie Ulmer: This is what I'm going to do. And your whole goal is to get to the end of the day and check the box that you were consistent. And then tomorrow you're gonna get up and you're gonna do the same thing. You're not gonna look behind you and you're not gonna look any further into the future than what you have to deal with.

[00:09:24] Jackie Ulmer: And it's based around the training that the Navy Seals go through. So it's a very rigorous training, as we all know, and we've all heard. But basically, their whole goal is to get through each segment of the day. They get up and they have to do physical training, and all they're focused on is getting through that and getting to breakfast. That's it. 

[00:09:44] Jackie Ulmer: They're not worried about making it to the end of the day. They're in the pool and all they're focused on is being in the pool and surviving the drills until the bell rings and they get out of the pool. So they're conditioned and trained to do everything along those steps. When you could break any goal down into just each day, checking the box of success and creating that consistency chain, right?

[00:10:07] Jackie Ulmer: We just build on it day after day after day, and ultimately that takes us to success. Now, the reality of it is maybe not for the Navy Seals, but for most of us, we're gonna have those misses. We're gonna have that day where we don't check the box. That's okay. You have to give yourself grace and compassion.

[00:10:25] Jackie Ulmer: That's okay. It doesn't mean that all the steps that you took up to that point are wasted, and it doesn't mean that you're hopeless to ever do it again. It's a day, it happened. You can't change it. But you can pick up and go again the next day, over and over. So that's where it's so important to weigh in on those successes.

[00:10:44] Jackie Ulmer: So that's a big part of it. Celebrate every day that you do that, and on the day that you don't celebrate that you've done it in the past and celebrate that you know you're gonna do it again in the future. 

[00:10:55] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah, well the consistency chain that you talked about is very interesting and I didn't have that book back when, when I was trying to overcome my extreme jealousy, but it is the exact way that I did of I had all of these really obsessive habits that I was doing, checking the phone, checking location, questioning, looking at social media, looking at email, and that is exactly the steps of... for the next hour I am not going to look him up to see where he is. And it really was having to break it down that small at times to then, okay, okay, I made it through an hour. I'm gonna try two hours and see how it goes. 

[00:11:40] Jackie Ulmer: There's that saying, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. I mean, really and truly. How, how do you do anything? How do we do anything in life? One step at a time. And it is, if it's one hour and then two hours, whatever it is, it's building on that because that's what reprograms our mind, right?

[00:11:58] Jackie Ulmer: Its neuro reprogramming that we know that we have to do to, in order to let go of some of those patterns because our brain forms patterns and those default behaviors and that default thinking. I mean, we think somewhere between 60 and 80,000 thoughts a day. 90% of those are repetitive thoughts and 80% of those are negative.

[00:12:19] Jackie Ulmer: And so when you really think about that, and most of us, if we stop for just a minute, we can think about it. We get up in the morning, maybe we weigh, we don't like the number on the scale. We beat ourselves up. We think something negative about ourselves. You know, it just goes on and on. And so it really is stopping, being very present, being very aware and just saying for the, like, you, for the next hour, I am not going to do that. I am not going to do that. And then involving yourself in whatever you have to do to not do that. 

[00:12:46] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: So important. So, you have been a pilot's wife for many, many years. As you mentioned, there's a stigma kind of associated with that. So how did you, because you said, I'm not going to date a pilot for that very specific reason, so you must have already had some of those kind of preconceived notions in your head already.

[00:13:12] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: How did you then manage through that, especially in the beginning? Before there was really that built up trust. 

[00:13:18] Jackie Ulmer: Well, you know, it's kind of funny. I really did not have that preconceived notion. I just bought into other people saying that. I mean, honestly, I had never really given the airline industry a thought.

[00:13:30] Jackie Ulmer: I didn't know anything about it. I. I hadn't thought about pilots. I didn't know any pilots until I went to work for the airline. And then, I don't know, I just, you know, heard people saying, oh, don't date pilots, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just kind of bought into it. And I worked in an out city, so the pilots would come and go and two of them would have a layover every night.

[00:13:50] Jackie Ulmer: Cause they got in late, you know, it just wasn't a thing. It wasn’t. A lot of people like to make up the glamor life of what it is. And it's kind of funny. I knew my husband for three years before we started dating, and then I went into sales and marketing. He went into pilot management for a while, and we shared an office.

[00:14:06] Jackie Ulmer: But because I had been in aviation for so long before, I had let that go because I got to know him, the person, and so I completely let that go. And I have to say, I am not a jealous person. That didn't creep into my life. Now I will tell you. social media did not exist when I was dating and married and for 20 years of my marriage, social media wasn't a thing.

[00:14:31] Jackie Ulmer: And thankfully my husband is not at all into social media. He thinks taking selfies and doing all, that's the most stupid thing in the world. Which on the one hand, I'm really grateful for, and I think I, without a doubt, I, I don't know a person on the planet that would disagree that social media has created a whole new level of anxiety, a whole new level of comparanoia, a whole new level of everything, a whole new level of being able to stalk somebody that you even have a crush on, if you will.

[00:14:58] Jackie Ulmer: You know, because before, I mean, I'm just even thinking back to high school. Friday school got out and unless you were cruising Main or saw them or whatever, I grew up in a small town. You didn't see 'em again till Monday morning and you wondered maybe what they were doing or you ran into 'em at a party or whatever.

[00:15:13] Jackie Ulmer: And now you can just view somebody else's social life 24/7, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And you can make up a million stories about what that photo meant or that girl, or why does she always like everything that you post or comment on it or whatever. So there's no doubt that it's, it's created a whole new level of anxiety and jealousy and distrust and questioning and all of that.

[00:15:37] Jackie Ulmer: But I think that's where, again, good communication and clearly setting some boundaries around all of that is really important. 

[00:15:44] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: For sure social media adds another element. It's easy for us to judge someone before we even know them because we're looking at those pictures or you know, what they're posting, what they're saying in their post, what's in their background, and who's liking them.

[00:16:00] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: As you said, I know that there are a ton of people that are jealous in their relationship and they're hyper focused on why does this person always like every photo or like every post, and it can be that... I have someone in particular, she will always like my stuff. You know, it's just some people are just like that, and some people aren't. Or there could be a reason, I guess, but you know, we go right into that that's what that means. 

[00:16:28] Jackie Ulmer: And it's dangerous and it's hard not to. I totally get it. Like I said, I don't have the box checked every day on all this stuff that, you know, I have all this figured out and I'm never this way or never that way.

[00:16:39] Jackie Ulmer: I totally understand it, you know, And I have a 27-year-old daughter who I've watched grow up with social media and deal with all this anxiety and, you know, blocking people and all the craziness with that. So, I've kind of dealt with it firsthand with her more so than even myself with that part thankfully, but I, I know it's a real thing. 

[00:16:58] Jackie Ulmer: It definitely is. But that's the important thing. I mean, it's kind of funny. She's been able to grow through, she had a really negative experience with a cheater boy, and it was interesting over time she ultimately ended up meeting one of the women who she felt like was a predator and later, she was like, Oh my gosh, she wasn't, I mean, we've become friends even like it wasn't the story that I had made up. She wasn't the one, you know, that kind of stuff. 

[00:17:26] Jackie Ulmer: And so it's hard cuz you don't always get to meet that person. But I think that is where it's important to stop. Kinda like what you said, you know, just, just for an hour let go of that, just for an hour let go of that made up story that you've got going about why this person is doing that or why doing that or whatever it is. And I know it's challenging, but it's important work to do. 

[00:17:47] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yes, for sure. Any other tips on how we can build this better self-image of ourselves and, and uh, kind of get our mindset into this? 

[00:17:58] Jackie Ulmer: You know, I think communication is the biggest thing of all. And it's also, again, one of the most challenging. It's hard to start hard conversations. You know, it's challenging to start some of those hard conversations, but it also, there's power in a degree of vulnerability, if that makes sense. And sometimes our partners are feeling the same way and we don't even realize it. So it's when we can stop and say, You know what? I just wanna communicate something to you. 

[00:18:24] Jackie Ulmer: And I realize I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing, but I feel uncomfortable sometimes about this. Or this makes me feel uncomfortable. Can we talk about this? Can we set some boundaries? Can we, you know, communicate better about this? Boundaries are very important, but you have to be careful with boundaries.

[00:18:43] Jackie Ulmer: There's a difference between setting a boundary and giving an ultimatum. They're two different things. The most important boundary are the boundaries that we set around our own selves and our integrity. It could be, and I know, I mean, some of the pilot wives are like this. It's like, you know what, when you're on overnights, I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't go out with just one of the flight attendants or the other crew that's maybe the opposite sex, whatever it is. Can we agree to that? 

[00:19:10] Jackie Ulmer: And you can set that as a boundary for yourself. They get to choose whether or not they're going to accept that boundary. And I'm not giving them, but I'm, I'm just saying you have to be careful. They may not agree to that boundary, and that's where it's important for you to ultimately honor and respect what matters to you and what you need, and communicate that in a way that says I'm not telling you you have to do this or can't do this. I'm just telling you, this is a boundary that I have for myself and things are going to change in whatever way if that's crossed or that boundary that I've said is not accepted.

[00:19:45] Jackie Ulmer: And again, when you do that, you have to know that they might say, Well, fine then, but chances are they won't.

[00:19:50] Jackie Ulmer: I mean, again, in most cases, they've chosen you. They wanna make you happy. I mean it, it's so funny. I think as women, we make up so many stories, and really when you talk to men, they really love you. They wanna please you. They want the relationship too. They want more than anything for you to be happy. And I don't think they go through as many jealousies and weirdness that we do.

[00:20:12] Jackie Ulmer: They haven't been conditioned like we have to compare ourselves to everybody. And you know, these photoshopped images of women that we've seen in magazines and now on social media forever. I don't think men have nearly as much of that. I think social media has created more anxiety for them as well, but probably still not to the same extent as us, but ultimately, at the end of the day, that good communication and just making sure they understand your commitment to them, that's gonna go a long way in easing your anxiety and jealousy and having them wanna step forward to reassure you. Look, I'm choosing you and everything's okay. 

[00:20:48] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: I just had a really good conversation with James Preece. He is like UK's top dating and relationship expert. They compare him to Will Smith in the movie Hitch. He gets called Hitch all the time. He's like, even though the movie's like 20 years old, people still call me that.

[00:21:05] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: And he was saying just that, that men are really very simple and the things that women worry about, like how my body looks, my hair doesn't look as good today. They really don't. Like, they just, it's not a focus for them. 

[00:21:21] Jackie Ulmer: And it's funny because the statistics prove this to be true, but most often a man will remarry much more quickly after a divorce than a woman will.

[00:21:32] Jackie Ulmer: And we tend to make up the story that the reason for that is because, oh, there was somebody else in the wings, whatever. No, they really like, they need that companionship or whatever. They want that coupling. They want that bond. They really want that and, and that's why I believe whether it's a death or a divorce or whatever, men almost always statistically marry first and faster, and that's it. It's not that there was necessarily someone else or whatever. It's that that really does matter to them. 

[00:22:01] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Another story we tell ourselves, right?

[00:22:04] Jackie Ulmer: Right? Yes. Throw it in the pile. 

[00:22:07] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yeah. Yeah. Jackie Ulmer, thank you so much for the information today. Please check out Jackie's podcast, Pilot Wife Podcast. Good to see you. Thanks for being here. 

[00:22:20] Jackie Ulmer: Thanks for having me and keep in mind for the podcast, it's, I mean, we talk about all different topics. I just, that's a perfect niche and that's why it's named that. But we go into all different things that are relevant for anyone. 

[00:22:31] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: Yes, it's a great podcast. 

[00:22:34] Jackie Ulmer: Thank you.

[00:22:39] Shanenn Bryant - Jealousy Junkie: If you have high anxiety in your relationship or feelings of low self-worth, join me in the Jealousy Junky Facebook group. I'd love to support you there. The link is in the show notes. Until next time, take care and remember, you're not alone.